Lisa Lampanelli, easily the funniest female comic we’ve ever heard, went on Howard Stern’s Sirius show Tuesday and blabbed about sexual relations with a young (”in his 20s”) member of the Chicago Bears who (all the quotes are hers):

* has tattoos
* isn’t a starter but isn’t on the practice squad
* is black (”mocha latte”)
* is southern
* at some point this season, he had an injured ankle

Lampanelli is a 46-year-old admittedly overweight white woman. The encounter took place in Philly in October. The unidentified Bears player (she said he was a rookie, and then recanted that; just our opinion, but we think he’s a rookie and she tried to cover it up) tracked her down through her website, and the two set up a rendezvous after she lied and told him she’d be in town. To paraphrase her: “I texted him from the McDonald’s, he ran out of his hotel to my Toyota Camry, we went to a Marriott Courtyard (he paid) and we banged for 45 minutes. He asked me, ‘is this your first NFL dick?’ He had a very bent penis.”

So far, rampant speculation includes: Trumaine McBride or Kevin Payne, or possibly Garrett Wolfe or Josh Gattis. This is something that must be solved today, before it gets buried under the Mitchell Investigation avalanche.

Return of the Neckbeard and Lisa Lampanelli(Green Bay Booze and Broads)
Who is the Mystery Chicago Bear (My Teams are Cursed)