Since everyone loves golf and we’re all stuck in our offices today, a live-blog of the Masters would be wonderful. Unfortunately, despite numerous pleas on my part, TBL refused to send me [all-expenses-paid] to Augusta this week. Therefore, I have to rely on someone who actually got to attend: ESPN’s Jason Sobel. If you want to read about what’s actually happening in the tournament you can check out his coverage over at the Dot-Com, but if you want to see me make bad jokes and puns that just aren’t up to par (!) check in here. I’ll be updating semi-regularly depending on what Sobel writes.

To make things extra confusing, I’m going to update at the bottom of the page which is opposite of what Sobel is doing. Feel free to e-mail me at alumnigonzo@gmail.com with any questions you might have about the Masters Live Blog. But please, no questions about the actual Masters – I’m ill-equip to answer them.

8am – Original Posting (So I cheated a little):

The 72nd Masters is under way, as Arnold Palmer hit the ceremonial first tee shot

They have ceremonial first tee shots? They need to adopt this at every tournament, just like Major League Baseball does. Who wouldn’t want to see a celebrity hit an honorary tee shot and clock someone who happens to be skipping work in the forehead on a Thursday morning. Then they have to make up a story about where the massive bruise came from when they go back to work on Monday morning. It will be just like the episode of Saved By The Bell where Zach catches the foul ball at the Dodgers’ game.

Another spy report (though from the same spy, who’s now taken a 2-up lead on all other on-course spies so far): “I was standing just off the fairway where Arnie’s ball landed. An official walked into the fairway, picked up the ball and walked away.”

Good scoop. Quick! Bigger story: that anecdote about someone picking up a golf ball or the Andy Katz/John Feinstein tiff?

If the Masters ended right now … Ben Curtis and Shaun Micheel would be co-leaders at even-par through one hole.

Tiger would probably be pissed if the Masters ended right now. I’m pretty sure he was looking forward to playing.

I just ran to the restroom and a maintenance employee asked me a trivia question.

I was that maintenance employee. The trivia question? Am I wearing underwear.

Moral of the story: You can learn a lot around here, even in the restroom.

If Sobel writes a book about this trip it will undoubtedly be titled, “Innocence Lost.”

With all the technology out there, don’t they make high-quality professional cameras that don’t make any noise?

Was it really the “clicking” that set off Tiger? I thought the flashes would be a bigger distraction?

Has anyone been reading Bob Harig’s SportsNation chat? Is it any good? Has anyone asked him why he’s wearing sunglasses on his head even though he’s indoors?

I don’t know who this Bob Harig is or why Sobel just doesn’t read the chat himself, but I’m extremely interested to find out why this guy is wearing sunglasses indoors.

    Do they serve Heineken in the press tent? Have you started?

Yes. And, sadly, no.

Yep, it’s probably better that I didn’t get to go if there’s free Heineken. It would have turned out just like The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved – if Hunter S. Thompson had passed out at 11am after challenging Jim Nantz to a bowling match.

By the way, Player had a great quote the other day:

    “This is my 51st Masters. And that means I’ve spent 51 weeks here, which is almost a year of my life.”

Unrelated and less-impressive: I’ve spent nearly a month of my life at Taco Bell.

Maybe I’m in the minority, but I just don’t think there’s anything so wrong with having a handful of players competing who won’t contend for the title. It’s called tradition.

Oops! I’ve apparently stumbled onto a SportsNation chat about the Eastern Conference Playoffs.

ESPNEWS interview with Fred Hickman, back in 5-10 minutes …

Need to set DVR, back in 5-10 minutes…

    Enough about all the competitive major golf going on. What about the competitive blogging? Who is your competition down there? Are you favored to win this weeks blog due to your past major experience?

Well, Brad, I know we have a great field this week and I know there are a lot of talented bloggers out there, but I’m just taking this thing one entry at a time. I hope my game can hold up over four rounds and we’ll see what the leaderboard says on Sunday evening.

Free t-shirt (if we ever decide to merchandise) for whoever gets this live-blog-live-blog linked up on the live-blog.

Is it too late to copyright the phrase, “Back-to-Back Zach Attacks”? Seriously, can I do a Pat Riley “Three-peat” deal and make a few bucks every time someone uses it?

Blacked out, back in 5-10 minutes.

    Heath Slocum in first?
    Hey, it’s the Bob Hope Classic!
    Can’t be the Masters.

Take that, Robert Frost.

I went to the Masters and an ESPN Poetry Slam broke out. Where’s Stu Scott?

Well, he hasn’t done much since then — no finishes better than 23rd in 18 starts — but with birdies on Nos. 2 and 3, he’s now one off the lead of Luke Donald, who’s 3-under through six.

That was written regarding Brian Bateman. I think we can safely call this one.

ESPNEWS interview. Back in a few minutes.

Jason Sobel is a popular guy, no? I’ll take Sobel’s break as an opportunity to post the Masters Theme Song. (Hat tip to rittyrich)

1:29pm: I just realized that Sobel is using the e-mail, mastersblog@gmail.com. Times like this I wish G-Chat wasn’t blocked in my office.

1:31pm: I wish Sobel would get back to work so I could officially blog that he officially blogged Poulter getting a hole-in-one.

The 19th hole-in-one in Masters history was just posted by … Ian Poulter!

Woooo! I can’t believe it! Isn’t the internet great! This is up there with Bonds hitting his 715th with Pedro Gomez in the bathroom. (That did happen, right?)

    The Englishman, asked by the magazine to predict the winner of the first major of the season at the Masters in April, replied: “Put Tiger down for that one.” For the year’s second major at the U.S. Open, he said: “You can put me down for that one.”

For his part, Poulter said he was misquoted. Maybe he said he’d win the Masters, too? And in case you’re wondering, here is a photo that ran with the Poulter story, which is, uh, sorta NSFW, I suppose.

Despite posting a photo of a half-naked man (I’m assuming – you click the link if you want to check) I think Sobel is doing a great job denying he’s been drinking the Heineken.

Sniff, sniff … I smell a trend for the live blog over the next few days. Love the haikus, but if someone could write a solid limerick, I’d be really excited.

I can emphatically say that I wouldn’t.

2:02pm: Actual e-mail from Jason Sobel:

If I live-blog your live-blog of my live-blog, would the Internet explode?

JS

My computer has begun to smoke.

ESPN The Magazine’s Wright Thompson checks in with a haiku:

    Is it pink? Coral?
    Hogan is rolling over
    Where does Poulter shop?

That was 14,172 words shorter than anything else Wright has previously had published.

At some point I should really look up “haiku.” It must be a golf term – like a “Zoeller.”

I’ve been told this may break the Internet, but The Big Lead is live-blogging my live-blog, which makes about as much sense as me linking back to it.

I apologize in advance for the site crashing. This is on you Sobel!

ESPNEWS interview. Back in a few.

I’m pretty sure “ESPNEWS” is code for “Heineken,” but I can’t be sure. We’ll have to see how many more compromising photos of Ian Poulter run this afternoon.

2:34pm: As of right now this page is refreshing faster than ESPN’s. In fact, I think Sobel might have spilled beer on his laptop. That’s just my guess though.

Lois Griffin: So, Peter, where shall we go for your week off?
Peter Griffin: Well, I … I was thinking we could all go to Purgatory like we did last year!
[Scene switches to the Griffins floating in front of a plain white background]
Lois Griffin: This isn’t bad … it’s not that good, but y’know … it’s not that bad.
Brian Griffin: It’s so-so.
Peter Griffin: Yeah … more or less …

We’ve had our first family guy reference and it wasn’t by a commenter. A Champ Kind reference isn’t far off…

Gary Player, who won in 1978, just finished up his round of 83 — staying two shots below the Ocho Cinco line.

Yet another reference to “the Ocho Cinco line.” This is a reference to the amount of times it takes to get Chad Johnson to say goodbye during a phone call.

2:51pm: Sobel, just posted the lyrics to the Masters song, by Dave Loggins. Sheeeeiiit…I had a link to that like an hour ago. Either way, I prefer the song he had in Top Gun.

For the record, it’s tough to believe Woods has ever played better than his 15-stroke U.S. Open win at Pebble Beach in 2000, but that early Sunday morning rally in ‘05 was the best I’ve ever seen him play for one stretch of a round.

That reminds me of the 21-under round I just played on Tiger Woods ‘06 last week. I was in the zone.

Leaderboard check: Ian Poulter is in the clubhouse at 2-under, joined in the lead by Robert Karlsson, Zach Johnson, Justin Rose, Stephen Ames, Sandy Lyle and Soren Hansen — all of whom are still on the course.

How in the hell are all those people going to fit in one jacket?

In other words: Karlsson is good enough, he’s smart enough, and doggone it, people like him.

Jason Sobel has Stuart Saves His Family on DVD. I can’t prove this, but I’m certain that if you searched his home it would be hidden under a couch cushion with the collectors’ edition of It’s Pat.

E-mail from Paul in Boston:

    Your updates come slower than it takes Stuart Appleby to putt.

Jim Furyk says thank you.

Listen, “Paul in Boston.” Let’s see you do a 13 hour live blog in a tent full of free beer. You’re lucky he’s still typing complete sentences.

3:11 p.m.: Just for the hell of it, since we’re on the subject and this takes place on a golf course, it’s fair game.

3:10 p.m.: Looks like the Par 3 Curse will live on for another year. After winning yesterday’s competition, Rory Sabbatini is 3-over through 13 holes today. Not sure what’s wrong with his game, but usually nothing can distract Rory. Nothing at all. Well, maybe one thing.

Sobel has taken the war to the streets: In retaliation to my constant remarks that he’s drinking on the job he’s begun posting YouTube links when he damn well knows I’m behind a firewall. It is now personal.

Am I certain both links are for Ian Poulter swimsuit photo shoots? No.

Do I think there’s a chance they could be? Yes.

I think what he’s saying is Ian Poulter — and now Zach Johnson, who leads at 3-under — shouldn’t be sizing up a green jacket (or in Zach’s case, another green jacket) just yet.

I agree. Not because I don’t see Ian “Dreamboat” Poulter or Zach “Ha! You Do Remember Me!” Johnson pulling this off, but because I’m fairly certain that they have tailors who will fit them for the jacket if they hold on for the win.

Be very careful what you send me in an e-mail. For example, Huan showed me this, which is his actual wedding cake — and now all of you can see it, too. Oh, and then there’s this, too.

Divorce…a tradition unlike any other.

Spy report from our friend Lanier in the porta-potty again:

    I cannot imagine a more perfect day! Glad I closed shop and came down for the day. If only I could stay out of the restrooms! Seen three people escorted out for having cell phones. How STUPID!

Not that there’s anything wrong with that…what people do in the privacy of the men’s restroom at Augusta is no one’s business but their own. And ESPN’s Jason Sobel. And SportsNation.

With Tiger Woods even-par through 12 holes, I’m going out on a limb right now and saying that if he makes 60 more pars this week, he’ll have his fifth green jacket on Sunday.

I have one green jacket, but it doesn’t go with anything.

From Jim in Charlotte, N.C.:

    Tiger bogeyed 13 shortly after the post about his streak of pars. This jinx is getting too SI cover-ish for me.

Nobody is immune!

Every time I write about Sobel having a beer he loses his bottle opener.

4:11pm: Somehow, despite all the talk of men with camera phones in bathrooms, I haven’t been able to apply the “jacking off” tag that TBL used in the PM Roundup. To quote Simmons, “Warrants mentioning.”

So much for that par streak. After bogeys on 13 (a duffed chip and two-putt) and 14, Tiger Woods chips in for eagle on No. 15 to get right back to even-par. Maybe he’s still in Golf Purgatory, but at least the ride is becoming more exciting.

Did he use the Game Breaker?

4:26: As good a time as any to mention that Jason Sobel expects a t-shirt. I’m going to send him my 1997 World Series Champion Florida Marlins t-shirt that I got when I was 14. I hope he’s a medium.

Holy #$%&! Sandy Lyle just made another birdie to move to 3-under through 12.

The fact that I have to Google 75% of the names in this tournament makes me feel very knowledgeable.

I don’t need a spy. I can tell you it’s playing very long. I did a podcast with

Holy #$%&! Jason Sobel has a podcast? I have about 60 free Gigs on my iPod and if I’m lucky I can fill each one. I might have to clear out all my old BS Reports though.

If you just cringed, congratulations. You’re a golf purist.

Nope. I’m good.

4:45pm: Well, boys and girls that’s all for me today. I have to get to my bowling league. Before I go I’d like to say thanks to Jason Sobel who was a great sport about all of this – Even though I’m pretty sure he made veiled threats concerning t-shirt payment. Don’t worry – I’m not taking it too seriously due to all the “ESPNEWS interviews” he did. See you in the morning, friends.

CRM

[Photo: SI]Â