Rockies 4, Cubs 2: Aaron Cook went eight innings and Scott Podsednik had three hits while DeRosa and Ramirez combined for four strike outs. It’s like Jane Goodall always said: ‘the mountains will always defeat the bears.’

Cardinals 6, Pirates 2: Joel Pineiro went seven innings, Tom Gorzelanny looked like Sloth Fratelli, and five Cardinals hitters had at least two hits. Gorzelanny was seen bathing in the Pittsburgh shower with Baby Ruth Shampoo after the game. Sicko.

Braves 7, Marlins 4: Josh Willingham had four RBI and Jeff Francoeur had three RBI but unfortunately, they don’t play on the same team. Josh plays for Florida, and Jeff plays for Atlanta and he had teammates named Chipper and Mark who also contributed. Don’t count out the Bravos this year.

A’s 11, Twins 2: [A fan letter from Minneapolis:]

‘Dear Francisco Liriano, it’s John Paul here. Look, I was just wondering if you could pull your arm from your ass so we could win a game when you’re on the mound. I know it’s asking a lot, but your arm is wasting away while stuck up your ass, and above all else, it smells really bad. Sorry to be a downer, but I was just wondering if you could remove your arm from your rectum. Thanks. — J.P. – a Twins fan.’

Nationals 10, Mets 5: Six Nationals had two hits and 2B Felipe Lopez finished with six RBI, thanks in part to a grand slam. I love Grand Slams. Whether it’s sausage or bacon as my meaty side, I’m always satisfied… and can’t go wrong with the French Toast.