It’s Sad Chicagoans Have to be Subjected To This
Media Gossip/Musings May 20th. 2008, 1:30pm
Below is a sampling of the headlines from Jay Mariotti columns in the last month. Not that we urge you to read any of them – the lazy, simpleton logic is laughable: The Cubs need a new closer, the White Sox need a new manager, the Bears need a new running back, the Bulls need a new owner, and apparently, Bears should look into a new linebacker. He’s got to be better than this, right? Must every mishap be a black and white issue, or must everything be resolved by jettisoning someone out of town? We pity Chicago. You wake up to this, and then you turn on the radio and it’s Mike North.
Briggs’ disturbing twist: Too much baby-mama drama (May 18)
Had enough Bull? Jerry Reinsdorf should sell team (May 14)
Ozzie talks about quitting? Crybaby can’t take the heat (May 13)
Excuses, excuses: Dawdling Bulls fail Chicago (May 11)
Drunk or victimized, Benson has no Bears future (May 8th)
Ozzie, Sox: Chicago’s rude, crude embarrassment (May 7)
As Mt. Piniella erupts, Kerry Wood experiment fizzles (May 2)
Quarterback- phobic Bears headed for a crash (April 28)
With reputation in doubt, Angelo plays it boring (April 27)
122 Responses to “It’s Sad Chicagoans Have to be Subjected To This”
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May 20th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Had enough Bull? Jerry Reinsdorf should sell team (May 14)
I love when fans and media tell owners they should sell their almost billion dollar investment. It’s disgusting.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Columns unreadible: Sun-Times Columnist’s head enormous
May 20th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
im sure if the internet blogging community banded together, we could raise enough for a buyout of Mariotti’s contract.
hell, Michigan raised $4k in a week for cancer…clearly Mariotti is just as bad.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
I’m guessing he minored in a classical language. His use of the genitive absolute in almost all of his headlines is staggering.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Whoops forgot to add
“/language nerd” tag to my previous post.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Navy Pier and North Beach are nice.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Turd in the Punch Bowl
May 20th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
With Everybody hating Mariotti, can his days be numbered
As the Tribune prints vitriol, columnist feels the noose tighten
Having no perceivable talent, sports section decides to close doors.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Had enough tamales? Little Yerry Seinfeld fizzles (May 20)
May 20th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
His use of the genitive absolute in almost all of his headlines is staggering.
I didn’t see any reference to his balls.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
This headline racket is easy. I quit MLJ. I’m going to work for the Chicago Tribune.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Ask Sportsgal about Mariotti, she loves him
May 20th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
I like clever headlines.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Jury is in! Paige & Mariotti both douches!
May 20th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
good god, thats awful.. makes you appreciate the better ones like le batard, posnanski and whitlock
May 20th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
I’m with all of you that Mariotti’s work is rather, uh, simpleton. But I have yet to see a newspaper where the columnist writes his own headlines.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
TBL: You forgot When Cubs need hero, Ted no Lilliputian
May 20th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Sunny in Cleveland, Spencey stuck at work: golf jones not fufilled
/going to start talking in headline-form
May 20th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Don’t HAVE to at least try if you’re going to be a columnist? Isn’t that in the job description somewhere?
May 20th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Headline form difficult to communicate succinctly; can Hef keep this up?
May 20th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Blog subjects people to Mariotti headlines; Hundreds stupider.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Now that I no longer work in the same building as Mariotti, I gotta say I do miss gawking at his abnormally huge melon head. Physics professors should study his neck, I don’t know how it’s possible to hold up something that ginormous.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Wait, So Mariotti is going for ESPN’s featured comment of the day?
May 20th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
sportsgal…i hear they’re doing amazing things with structural engineering these days.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
that’s what she said!
May 20th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Hef is a pussy, can’t deal with challenges: is this the end?
May 20th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Spence the jazz nerd calls Hef a pussy, thousands laugh and point
May 20th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Bread and butter Mariotti tactic: Write full column blasting decisions/players. Down the road, when he is horribly wrong, reference in a slightly topic-related column that things have worked out differently than “he and many others” thought they would (make sure this is NOT the main theme of the column though. Proceed to reference in multiple columns thereafter that “he and others” were wrong but he has changed his tune, all while never all-out writing an “I WAS WRONG” article.
Case in point — latest article on the Sox’s Latin America scandal, where he slips in randomly that the Danks/Floyd moves have worked out differently than thought “from here and beyond” and says that he has changed his tune. He never wrote a column directly expressing that though, unlike when he did to express his opposition to those moves.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
ego bruised, battered: will clown get anthrax in the mail?
May 20th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Hef falls back stunned at the onslaught; plots deaths of millions.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
BTW — TBL I haven’t seen jack anywhere about the whole White Sox firing 3 Latin American scouts for skimming signing bonuses story, if you wanted to do some digging on that. It was barely even in the Trib/Sun-Times, and the Sox buried the news late on a Friday night. Feds involved, could get interesting.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Joke overkill: Can TBL’ers keep it up for 100 comments?
May 20th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
The eyes have it; MLJ doomed to fail.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Chicago hates latinos; related: sky is blue.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
As I read through the comments, numerous brain tumors forming
May 20th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Shouldn’t that be ayes? No wonder we’re doomed to fail.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
You can’t use “I” in a headline. Next!
May 20th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
No, Hef. A site on these here interwebs needs “eyes” to survive.
I was being pun-tifully witty.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
I hate puns. And you. Mostly you.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
TBL commenter and Major League Jerk founder Hef caught in “KILF” scandal; world not surprised.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Unfunny running joke blinds reader: “Stabbing eyes the only option”
May 20th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Fetch writes longest headline ever; why not go for 200 words?
May 20th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
You want a headline? I’ll give you a great headline. From The Onion:
New Roommate Hopes Five-Hour Fuckfest Didn’t Keep You Up
May 20th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Slow news day helps fuel grammar joke; readers pining for next post.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
And that’s why the Onion writers are genius.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Hef, I like this one:
May 20th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
A joke only smart people get angers most commenters.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
where is the NBA lottery post TBL? predictions, anything or just waiting till hump day
May 20th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
This one rather
May 20th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Normally you put something there sean jean.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Concept of succinctness eludes TBL commenter – slash – college hockey blogger – slash Kansas fan Fetch; irony escapes MLJ blogger – slash – TBL commenter Nick P
May 20th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
No fair, Hef! I saw that article and passed it along to a bunch of people DAYS ago!
May 20th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
That’s a good one, sean jean. This ones my favorite (not oprah.com).
May 20th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
irish: I just looked at the draft class after you mentioned that. Aside from D Rose and Beasley, this draft class kind of sucks. Brook Lopez? What?
May 20th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
DAYS AGO!!! Shut down the internet.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Kevin Love what
May 20th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
+1 Nick
May 20th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Persian guy at work wears armani and gold chains: stereotypes reinforced
May 20th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Kevin Love = bust a la your boy J.J.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Nick if you weren’t a fellow VORPie (VORPy?) you might have a fight on your hands.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Hef is my boy. I keep my enemies close
Kevin Love is a 20/20 machine waiting to happen
May 20th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Benji: Not an English Major like Hef; Reads at same level as Dexter Manley
May 20th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
kevin love: biscuits ahoy!!!
May 20th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Hef: no longer an English Major; Now an English God
May 20th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Awww, I used to work about 2-3 blocks from that Chicago sign.
/sheds tear
/not really
May 20th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
my bad, irish – no one told me Love started exercising
May 20th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Hef…shouldnt that be English G-d?
May 20th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
New post about the NHL; Hef’s joke gets reprieve!
May 20th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Also, if anyone wants to listen to my ’substantially hungover at 7am’ Q&A session with Matthew Berry on the ESPN fantasy focus podcast, it’s up at the .com.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Best Onion ‘cross-fire’ headline: Sidney Crosby may be the best player in the NHL. But is he any good?
May 20th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
@spence: I should have said English General (upgrade from major). Also, why would it be g_d. Jewish atheists can say god all they want.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
@TBL: You’re opinion of him is based of the HBO special. You should actually listen to him on the radio. I think he’s hilarious, and as I’ve said before, I would take him in the morning anyday over “Tough Guy” and “Metrosexual” in the morning.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Yeah right. Like anyone gives a shit about the NHL.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
@Ben: is it the most recent one? i might check that out. Was MB the big douche he sometimes seems like?
May 20th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Hef…hey man, im just lookin out for you. dont want you to get in trouble with the Big Man (if he exists…which I think he does but don’t believe that any pederasts should tell me how to worship…fucking catholics).
I guess that’d make me a Honorably discharged Music Admiral
May 20th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Ou’re opinion of you is based on you’re use of…
/I kid, I kid.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Ou’re! I love it.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Thanks spence. But the big beard/eye in the sky can tongue my taint.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
as the Ohio state quote thingee says, “with God, all things are possible.”
May 20th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Hef’s tempting God; watch for inevitable D-Backs swoon.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
+1000 to Fetch for the KILF callback.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
maybe if you shut your fucking mouth for once Hef, people would take you serioulsy
May 20th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Did I miss something?
May 20th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
@Nick: Damn it..
/hangs head
May 20th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Could’ve been something you said here.
You know, in the future.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Mariotti is a total joke, but it’s not like the Tribune is much better… have you ever suffered through a Rick Morrissey column, people?
It’s devolved to the point where one can basically predict Mariotti’s columns in advance based on today’s events. Expect a “Sox not ready for prime time” column tomorrow if the Indians take the first game of the series at the Cell tonight. Morrissey will follow, as always, with a column whining about how no one is giving the Big Ten enough credit this year (even as his paper shills for the league 24-7)…
May 20th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
One of my all time fav onions: Special Olympics Fixed
/fuck! 1996? I’m getting old.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Nick: That’s too far into the future. I don’t see this thread making it that far. How about here.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Hef your link from last night still comes up empty
May 20th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
hef, what the hell did you say to irish? I can’t find shit with all of these empty links!
May 20th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Fetch: That’s because the thread didn’t go on long enough. I put it for 200 comments into the future of that thread. You can’t jump threads yet in the future unless you guess correctly. It’s science.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Clown: No idea. Haven’t spoken to him in a week.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Hef write another MLJ post so I have something to read rather than Irish bitching you out.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Nomo, is that when the Onion was distributed on parchment?
/have an extra Ensure
May 20th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
I’m working on a Players I’ve Always Hated post about Todd Helton. It will be up in half an hour.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Clown: we used to copy those parchments on mimeographs and show them to our friends in our 1-room schoolhouse.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Benjamin Linus disagrees with you
May 20th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Hef I’m considering sending in an open letter for an audition to guest post. Since I don’t spew enough Twins propaganda I figure you need an entire thread about them.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Ben has more practice than I do. I’m more Desmond than Ben. I can jump from different consciousnesses without leaving my body. Ben can jump all over the place.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Fetch, send it in. We love guest posts. Tell your Twins loving friends to come read it after it’s posted.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
@Art: Agreed. The only people I read from both of the two papers are Joe Cowley, Mark Gonzales, K.C. Johnson, Phil Rogers, and sometimes Mike Downey…
On a side note, I think Carol Slezak might be worse then Mariotti
May 20th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
May 20th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
im sorry Fetch 9. did i miss something with your #93 comment. I didnt think your name was Hef, but you are in the same boat
May 20th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Hef…i just read SOMEWHERE that someone who sounded just like you doomed the D-Backs season…is this true?
May 20th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
/I had to
May 20th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
clown if you get murdered some night at least we’ll have motive. as an aside, i laughed harder at that comment than probably any in TBL history.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
@spence: it wouldn’t be the first time. I was the reason they lost 111 games in 2004. I’ll tell you about it sometime.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
did they really lose 111 games in 2004? no way.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Either 2004 or 2003. I think it was 2004.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
@benji – Yes, it’s the one up for today. I thought Berry was alright, didn’t come off too douchetastic. I think he went into too much discussion about my potential trading of a stud in a 2-for-1 deal. It’s a 20-team league with 5 outfielders, so having players that even play every day is a challenge, so trading a stud for a replacement at that position and an everyday player was something I was looking at and he harped on getting adequate replacement. I’m not an idiot, but I guess he was giving general advice to everyone, not just me.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
It was 04, cause Upton was the #1 pick in 05.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
@Ben – you do a podcast for ESPN? How long has that been going on?
May 20th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
@sportsgal: i think on the fantasy podcasts, they have a different person on each week to discuss a potential trade or free agent pick up in the fantasy game.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Sportsgal gets wet for guys on podcasts.
May 20th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
tremendous.
May 20th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
bold. but i should ask – in what league?
May 20th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
RWH late to party: Apparently missed something
May 20th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
@sportsgal:
benji is correct. The ESPN fantasy baseball podcast analysts (Nate Ravitz & Matthew Berry) host a league in which the producer of the podcast is a team owner. Most weeks, they have the producer’s opponent on to talk about the match-up, their team, etc., and this week was my week.
The selection process was fun to get in the league. Basically, answer some podcast-specific questions to show you listen on a regular basis and then talk smack to the producer. Best smack talk gets in the league.
May 20th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
I let me ego get the better of me and went and listened to it again. I sound extraordinarily hungover. How does one sound hungover? Rambling, stuttering, and lengthy pauses while the thoughts get through the layer of dull pain between my brain and my mouth.
May 20th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
hey ben, did you give Major League Jerk a shout out? We might be able to get a check over to you for the plug, say our ad revenue goes up.
May 20th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Sadly I did not. My brain was completely off during that discussion.
May 20th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
While the premise that someone may be worse than Mariotti seems beyond belief on its face, I’d have to agree. Slezak has gone from hackish-but-harmless to shield-your-brain awful in recent years.
I abhor the stupid frat-boy mentality that prevails in most locker rooms as much as the next educated person, but Slezak’s recent voice-of-the-offended column on the recent White Sox sex-doll “scandal” was just mind-numbingly idiotic. It was a totally low-rent move by the Sox, and they deserved to be mocked for it (I’ve always found that mockery is far more effective than scolding), but Slezak’s over-the-top, poorly-reasoned, hyperventilating piece ended up making the team look like the victims in the whole to-do…