Let us count the ways that the civil suit filed against troubled Minnesota Timberwolves forward Eddie Griffin (pictured on the left, pumping his fist, and fortunately, not his cock) for his car accident, apparently caused while the millionaire was driving while drunk, and watching porn, and masturbating, is troubling:

� Minnesota cops possibly covering it all up
� Griffin admitting on video he was driving drunk
� That there are TVs mounted in the front of vehicles for the driver to watch
� Griffin�s attempted bribery caught on video � �I�ll buy you a new car � anything but a Bentley.�
� The fact that Griffin�s car rolls around with DVD porn
� Masturbating while operating a heavy piece of machinery

Attempting to find humor in such a gnarly situation, we wonder, what porn was Griffin watching? While you think we may not be able to get to the bottom of such a pressing question, consider this: Porn star/former California Gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey went on the Howard Stern almost a year ago and bragged about bedding NBA players. Prominently mentioned was a tall Minnesota Timberwolves player who flew her into town more than once. According to Carey, he was a high draft pick a few years ago. Griffin is all these things. Kind of makes you wonder �

At any rate, the best Griffin story we�ve heard is this one. The incident was largely downplayed as a �misunderstanding,� (read: Griffin probably shelled out $50,000 to make this go away) but we heard from credible sources that Griffin had basically crashed a wedding at this hotel, wound up hooking up with two women in the jacuzzi/hot tub (while the security guards watched it on the surveillance cameras), and then hours later, Griffin came back looking for his lovely ladies. Apparently, they gave him the wrong room number, because he ended up pounding on the door of the groom, and a fight ensued because a belligerent Griffin refused to leave until he could meet up with his girls from earlier in the evening. Wild stuff. Two weeks later, Griffin entered alcohol rehab.

Anywho, Griffin�s fate should be as follows: His driver�s license should be revoked for the next two years, and he should be instantly shipped to purgatory Portland, where he�ll fit in nicely with fellow problem-children Zach Randolph and Darius Miles.

Somewhere, in a distant corner of the universe � or a Costco Price Club warehouse – Ty Shine is getting a good laugh out of this.

Eddie Griffin Videotape (WCCO)
Griffin served with civil suit (St. Paul Pioneer Press)
LT. GOVERNOR CAREY (Howard Stern.com)
Wolves over the Weekend (I Heart KG)