Anyone remotely interested in the Home Run Derby tonight? Of the eight competitors, only one has hit more than 35 homers in a season. Intern Bill, who enjoys baseball so much that if he were given season tickets to the Pirates, he’d attend all 82 home games, is curious about some comments made by Ryan Braun’s agent … who happens to be lobbing softballs to the Brewers’ slugger tonight.

The Home Run Derby seemingly lasts forever, no one ever gets the free car, and ESPN drags Chris Berman out from his vacation spot as the creepy guy in the nightclub to scream at us for four hours. It’s also bad business - the Derby is a twisted spectacle that’s an homage to baseball’s most recent venal sin. Image if football had a steroids problem*, and was having contests on who can bench press 800 lbs? We’ve heard of hanging a lantern on your problems, but inviting Jason Giambi to participate is a bit much, no? Instead of a Home Run Derby, why not have a competition to see who can put the most bend in a curveball, or who can throw the ball furthest from the outfield?** We’d mention a bunting competition, but we don’t want to give SABR a collective heart attack.

Regardless, the Home Run Derby has provided some comical moments - in 2002 when Jason Giambi basically tried to make out with the contest winner; in 2005 when Bobby Abreu basically eliminated his home run power in one night [Ed note: TBL was there, and it was neat], and the best, in our opinion, was when Sammy Sosa was spraying his face with a water bottle mid-round like he was a heavyweight fighter.

And don’t you love it when the players bring in a “ringer” to lob them pitches? While some sluggers call upon their third base coach or a bullpen catcher, Milwaukee’s Ryan Braun is bringing his agent…

Agent Nez Balelo goes to great lengths to serve his clients, even if it means showing off his fastball in front of over 50,000 baseball fans.

Balelo, a one-time Seattle Mariners prospect who now works on the other side of the white lines, will be the pitcher for the Brewers’ Ryan Braun in the State Farm Home Run Derby on Monday at Yankee Stadium.

…Balelo, a longtime friend of Braun’s, might be the first agent to give it a try.

“What can I say?” Balelo said. “It will probably be the biggest stage that the two of us will ever be on. We’re going to cherish every moment of it.€

A few things here…

1a. Deep down, every sports agent in the business wishes they were a professional athlete. Baelo actually was one, assuming that being a Seattle Mariners’ prospect qualifies for anything outside of a cause for exile. What are the chances Baelo scowls, slaps on the Tiger Balm, and starts throwing hammer curves to Braun? In the back of his mind, he probably thinks a “reverse-Ankiel” is possible if he pitches well in front of 53,000 New Yorkers and a Chris Berman that’s about 20 times more annoying than anything found in Yankee Stadium (and that’s saying something).

1b. Considering Baelo couldn’t make it above AA, any chance he’ll get rocked anyway?

1c. If he does give up like 30 homers, doesn’t that qualify him for a spot in the Brewers bullpen?

2. I love how even after the CC Sabathia trade (look ma, no periods!) Braun’s agent knows that the Brewers aren’t making the playoffs.

The Derby highlights not only the worst baseball scandal in recent memory, but it also represents many a fan’s opinion of what ESPN really is - ostentatious, bombastic, overhyped, generally mindless, and incredibly addictive. So unless you want the steroids fiasco staring you right in the face, hearing home run calls in every language spoken in New York, or have your brain leek out of your ear, you might want to miss this year’s edition of the Home Run Derby.

Unless of course you’re a Milwaukee baseball fan. Then you’ve got a guy auditioning for a spot!

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*Or one that people actually cared about.

** We were in Yankee Stadium one time, and Vlad Guerrero was warming up his arm by trying to stand on the 3rd base line and throw over the wall in right center. He got it over eventually, and probably was throwing the balls about 300 feet. Very impressive.

Hat Tip: Baseball Think Factory