The Tao of Ichiro’s Obscene Language
Baseball July 16th. 2008, 2:32pm
Who knew Ichiro was so potty-mouthed? Intern Bill investigates.
When you think about Seattle OF Ichiro Suzuki, a few things come to mind—the monastic practice of his craft, the seeming lack of command of the English language, the rhetorical flourishes of a warrior poet like “I would face [then Boston Red Sox' rookie Daisuke Matsuzaka] with the zeal of a challenger.€ Well after this story of Ichiro’s now-annual pre-All-Star game speech by Yahoo!’s Jeff Passan, it looks like we might need to take everything we thought we knew about Ichrio, and throw it right out the freakin’ window:
[Ichiro] happens to be baseball’s amalgam of Anthony Robbins and George Carlin. Every year, after the AL manager addresses his team, Ichiro bursts from his locker, a bundle of kinetic energy, and proceeds, in English, to disparage the National League with an H-bomb of F-bombs, stunning first-timers who had no idea Ichiro speaks the queen’s language fluently and making returnees happy that they had played well enough to see the pep talk again.
You mean the quiet Asian guy in the corner is really a balls-out competitor who probably likes to get crazy and scream more than anyone else? It’s like the baseball version of Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle. The funniest thing about this was that it started in 2001. Did someone forget to tell Ichiro that it was an exhibition and that no one really cares about the All-Star game? Why was this scrawny newbie screaming expletives out of nowhere at the team in broken a broken while Cal Ripken Jr. and Juan Gonzales stared on in perplexed awe?
Maybe it’s a good thing that he was voted in after all. The AL might not have won without him!
Ichiro’s speech to All-Stars revealed [Yahoo!]
39 Responses to “The Tao of Ichiro’s Obscene Language”
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July 16th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
I like the use of the h-bomb into f-bomb, but would have preferred if Passan didn’t hold back and went for the gusto with a-bomb. But alas people like keeping their jobs. I guess
July 16th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
That’s just awesome.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
I’m sure, being from Japan and all, Ichiro loves the H-bomb metaphor.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
just hit more f-ing HRs like everyone says you can.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
crazy lil’ bastard.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Pretty good post topic, but considering it was written by Bill, I can’t give it my stamp of approval.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Why so hard on Intern Bill? He does fine work.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Not sure what I didn’t expect more: Ichiro “working blue” or Matsui’s porn collection.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
@Gonzo: Bill slept with Hef’s wife.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Intern Bill > the NL
July 16th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
@nick – jealousy is a sign of weakness. It is very clear how jealous you guys are
July 16th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
@NickP: Who hasn’t?
July 16th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
@clown: Hef.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Collectivist thought = racism
July 16th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
from what I heard, they weren’t sleeping at all…
July 16th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
This is awesome. I’m hoping he follows this by shrieking that he’s got a place at the table and smashing his head through a car window.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
I just hope we come to a day where we just read, “the quiet guy in the corner”.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
…watching on demand?
July 16th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
@Rex: That’s sexist.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Intern Bill was learning Japanese all over Hef’s wife. how do you think he knew about about this post?
July 16th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
July 16th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
It’s “turning japenese” dummy.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Que?
July 16th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
@ Nick P. Whats wrong with being sexy?
July 16th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Japanese
July 16th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
@onterrio: That’s a personal attack.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Japs
/Bill Parcells
July 16th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Fuck. Called someone a dummy with a typo. Not the first time. Stupid phone keyboard.
July 16th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Good work, Intern Bill. Finally, a tome worth reading.
July 16th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
More weirdness from my work email: Andy Dick?
/not a threadjack, just a little diversion
July 16th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
The fact that this went on for 7 years under the nose of the national media is even more spectacular. I have a whole new respect for Ichiro.
July 16th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Hef, and you called me a dummy and i realized my mistake before you got it in. take it back.
July 16th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
that andy dick mug shot doesn’t look like him at all. still funny stuff.
July 16th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Thanks, uh, for the compliment, I guess.
/Intern Bill
July 16th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Fine work Intern Bill. I would place this post in your top five. Did you have relations with Nick Papa..whatever the heck his last name is…moms?
July 16th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
My sister’s roomie is dating Andy Dick’s son. Apparently Andy was so drunk once, and shit in his own bed and then proceeded to kick Lucas out of his own bed so him and his date (didn’t say if it was a girl or guy) could have sex.
July 16th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
that andy dick mug shot doesn’t look like him at all
What, does he look employed?
July 16th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
h-bomb meaning hell? or h bomb meaning hellacious cunt face?
July 16th, 2008 at 3:40 pm