Who is More Athletic: A Designated Hitter or a Price is Right Contestant?
Baseball, TV August 1st. 2008, 12:00pm
Sean Quinn, an editor at Metro in New York, asks this important question.
With Ken Griffey Jr. getting dealt to the White Sox yesterday, we were more than just wondering about how much athleticism it takes to be a designated hitter these days.
The price is always right if you’re a DH. Sit in the dugout, make four plate appearances a game and maybe take a hard turn off first base every now and again.
So while we were doing some A.M. summer boozing and watching “The Price Is Right,†it hit us: Are DH’s more athletic than a “Price Is Right†contestant?
(And on a personal note, it is still taking some time to get used to the horrendous stylings of Drew Carey, who is to Bob Barker what Tori Scott was to Kelly Kapowski in “Saved by the Bell,†but we’ll still take it.)
Would pull up limp running down the aisle: Ken Griffey Jr., Chicago White Sox — We hate to say it, but Jr. isn’t the same guy that inspired moments like this.
Would get winded after overbidding twice and stay seated the rest of the show: David Oritz, Boston Red Sox — Big Papi hasn’t attempted to steal a base or play in the field all season. We wouldn’t want him spinning the wheel in the “Showcase Showdown†either; he could hurt that wrist again.
Would fall down the “Plinko†stairs: Matt Stairs, Toronto Blue Jays — A goatee, mullet and beer gut just don’t add up to success like they used to.
Would lose to Drew Carey in a foot race: Jose Vidro, Seattle Mariners — Don’t get us wrong, Vidro was dominant earlier in his career with the Expos. Since then, though, his right knee has taken more damage than a hit from Tanya Harding and his ankles aren’t strong enough to make him an everyday player in the field. He has just 18 extra-base hits this season.
Would lose to Bob Barker in a foot race: Frank Thomas, Oakland A’s — The Big Hurt is scheduled to rejoin Oakland after playing in a simulated game. We think that just means Thomas created himself and then simmed through a game of “Baseball Stars.€
Would beat the absolute bejesus out of Bob Barker: Gary Sheffield, Detroit Tigers — Sheff is a very angry ballplayer. With a .229 average, he hasn’t connected on much this season, but Barker moves just slow enough for Sheff to hit.
Would be too winded to participate in the “Showcase Showdown:†Cliff Floyd, Tampa Bay Rays — Dude was part of that sick 1994 Montreal team that would have won the World Series if not for the strike. Still, he gets hated on like the chunky kid who swims in his T-shirt at a pool party.
Would bid $1 more than poor bastard next to him on contestant’s row, win a car, spin and hit $1 on the “Showcase Showdown,†win both showcases and drive off with Barker’s beauty (are they still calling them that?), Phire Dawson: Milton Bradley, Texas Rangers — The guy is an absolute beast and he’s gotten a bad rap for showing too much passion for the game. If the Rangers didn’t outbid everyone for Kevin Millwood (5-year, $60 million) and grab a few pitchers who like to hit the catcher’s mitt, Bradley could be making a run at a World Series right now.
37 Responses to “Who is More Athletic: A Designated Hitter or a Price is Right Contestant?”
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August 1st, 2008 at 12:03 pm
This had best be heavily satirical….
August 1st, 2008 at 12:05 pm
So because he was on a good team 14 years ago, that’s relevant how?
And who hates on him? Bloggers? Not mainstream media. The ESPN guys were fawning over him as of a few weeks ago for providing veteran leadership and what not.
August 1st, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Don’t have the energy to read this today. But making a useless comment will suffice.
August 1st, 2008 at 12:05 pm
…phew
August 1st, 2008 at 12:06 pm
This feels like a stand up bit that he’s trying out for open-mic night. Be careful, I’ve got a pretty good routine too:
What would happen if the cast of Friends were cast as the leads in Scooby-Doo? I mean, wouldn’t that be zany?
August 1st, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Matt Stairs sees your morning boozing and raises you a hot dog eating contest after a gallon of Beefeater and a cigar.
August 1st, 2008 at 12:12 pm
This is by far the best Sean Quinn post I’ve read today. Great work.
August 1st, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Drew Carey could be a DH. He has good (dinner) plate coverage.
August 1st, 2008 at 12:16 pm
This sucks
August 1st, 2008 at 12:17 pm
My office being almost empty and reading reports of AM boozing lead me to believe I am the only one at work today.
August 1st, 2008 at 12:18 pm
i actually really, really like this post. It’ll be better than anything I churn out today. Watching 6th sense and fine-tuning the NFL picks, which are coming next.
Also: large and in charge
August 1st, 2008 at 12:19 pm
The drinking started last night and resumes in 40 minutes. Later, boners.
August 1st, 2008 at 12:22 pm
I like the post too. actually about sports, and mildly funny. plus, its even funnier that junior wont be the DH in ChiTown. Those dumbasses want him to play center. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahah
August 1st, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Tori Scott was definitely the nail in the coffin for the original Saved by the Bell. Although the franchise did redeem itself with the serious talent of Saved by the Bell the New Class. Back-to-back with Hang Time there was no better hour on television. TNBC rocked!
August 1st, 2008 at 12:25 pm
TBL…I am sure you do…did you make sure to send a cover letter with your resume to Metro…some times I like to send a little box of chocolate so they remember me better
August 1st, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Baseball Stars was one of the best video games ever. And had to of been the first to allow you to start your own franchise.
August 1st, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Saved by the Bell the new class was atrocious. They had knockoffs for all the original characters, wasn’t there a Waldo character that was supposed to be like Screech.
Hang Time I liked, especially the court they played on that was the size of my cubicle, and also that they won every game on a buzzer beater.
August 1st, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Also: large and in charge
Thank you, TBL
August 1st, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Don’t worry everyone! There may be a stats post coming today!
[everybody screams in horror and immediately closes their browsers]
August 1st, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Was Tori the one Slater and Zack got into a fistfight over? If so, she was terrible.
August 1st, 2008 at 12:30 pm
It’s Friday, of course there will be a stats post.
August 1st, 2008 at 12:30 pm
I’ll stat you iggy…I’ll stat you
August 1st, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Badass.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p61mD558egA
August 1st, 2008 at 12:31 pm
God people in the comments section really get in a pissing match over a fight on a television show?
August 1st, 2008 at 12:32 pm
The fight was over some random chick I think, or Kelly.
August 1st, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Help control the pet population. Have your pet spayed or neutered.
August 1st, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Friendly Hef (#5) hit the nail on the head. A subpar comedic routine. “What would happen if we took the writers at ESPN and compared them to that list of people you play pick-up games against?” I’ll tell you what…hilarity!
August 1st, 2008 at 12:37 pm
In Soviet Russia Right prices you…
/Nick P
August 1st, 2008 at 12:37 pm
You’re right ben, friendly hef is fucking brilliant.
August 1st, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Hef and Friendly Hef have the same avatar…I call shenanigans
August 1st, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Hang Time was good because it gave you options: Kristy/red headed cheerleader, Mary Beth/brunette prissy team manager, or Julie/blonde b-ball player.
August 1st, 2008 at 1:17 pm
wow, that’s dumb. also griffey’s moving on as an outfielder. he’ll dh maybe once a week at max.
August 1st, 2008 at 1:43 pm
TBL: This is a funny post.
Are you seriously boozing early today? What ya’ sippin on?
August 1st, 2008 at 2:08 pm
My favorite Hang time episode was the one where Julie got pregnant and had an abortion right before the big game. Ah, the memories.
August 1st, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Groin, holy shit, they actually had a character on a kids show have an abortion!?!?!?!
August 1st, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Not only that, it was the first kids show to feature full frontal nudity.
/totally fucking with you
August 1st, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Haha, I am gullible.