Jesse Owens, baby. He ran things at the 1936 games, and in a bigger way that capturing a boatload of gold medals. Stop Mike Lupica and Canadian DJM are back with their country-by-country breakdown of the games. These are funny.

Thank you all for your nice support in the comments yesterday. Today we will repeat the same damn jokes again, and we guarantee it’ll be at least 20% less enjoyable than yesterday. Which is a great way to prepare you for the Olympics! The Olympics is usually fun for the first few days. Then it quickly wears it’s welcome out, repeating the same stories over and over. Finally it just drags on too long, and you just can’t wait for it to be over. By the time we get to day three you’ll be begging us to go away. But in four years you’ll look back on this and think… you know? That was pretty majestic… let’s do it again, shall we? IT’S THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.

So with that in mind, here is Part Two of the “Olympic Country Previews”, from The Gambia to Niger:

The Gambia – One of those cool countries with a name that starts with an article, like The Ukraine, The U.S, The U.K, The Bronx, The O.C., The Honduras, El Salvador, and Le Banon.
Georgia – Located on the Black Sea (it looks darker at night), Georgia is a country that is both in Eastern Europe and Western Asia. Let that sink in for a second. It just blew your fucking mind, didn’t it? The country’s population is less than 5,000,000, and over a million live in the capital city of T’bisili (pronounced “At-lan-ta”).
Germany - WILL WIN EVERY EVENT. STAY OUT OF GERMANY’S WAY. Seriously, they haven’t tried to take over the world in like seventy years. They’ve gotta scratch that itch someday. Let’s not piss them off.
Ghana – In 1960 Clement “Ike” Quartey won the first medal for Ghana, then known as “The Gold Coast”. Ironically, he won a silver medal, so the country was forced to change its name. Clement is also former Welterweight champ Ike Quartey’s (the guy who lost to De La Hoya and Winky Wright a few years back) older brother. Much older, apparently. Seriously, they are like 40 years apart. Papa was a rolling stone… with viagra.
Great Britain – Once ruled the world. Now has a chance to take the silver in rowing. Hail Britannia!
Greece – Had the youngest medalist ever in 1896 – a 10 year old gymnast named Dimitrios Loundras (this was pre-Child Labor Laws). He was hoping to become the oldest medalist this year, at 122 years old, only he’s been dead for 60 years.
Grenada – One of the many many fine countries to have been bombed by the United States. America: Fuck yeah!
Guam – I hate to make fun of a country’s flag, but seriously… what three-year old with crayons designed this flag?
Guatemala – Has never won a medal in the Olympics. Like Ecuador, their best bet is a racewalker, Julio Rene Martinez. Seriously, we still can’t believe the racewalk is an actual event. What’s next, the 100m pogo stick?
Guinea – The Jose Carraras of The Three Guineas.
Guinea-Bissau – Formerly known as Portuguese Guinea. The Bolama region of this small country is one of the few places in human history with a matrilineal society, meaning: the woman picks a husband, and women makes most of the society’s decisions. Awesome! Wait, this is a sports blog… I mean, “Get in the kitchen! Erin Andrews!”
Guyana – The majority of Guyana’s GDP comes from kidnapping ransom payments. [More TBL relatives raise their pitchforks for the head of Stop Mike Lupica.]
Haiti – Just wants to do better than their archnemesis, Laiki.
Honduras – My favorite corny geography joke of all time: Q: What is the capital of Honduras? A: Accordas.
Hong Kong - “7 million people. 12 trees.”
Hungary – Is 6th all-time in Gold medals won at the Summer Olympics, behind the US, USSR, UK, France and Italy. This is the only category of anything in which Hungary makes the top ten.
Iceland – Keep an eye on Porey Edda Elisdottir, who finished fifth in the 2004 Olympics in the pole vault. Icelandic women always do well at the pole vault, including medaling in the 2000 Olympics. Because in Iceland, walking is just so slippery.
India – Currently tied with Pakistan in the International Scary Nuclear Standoff Competition.
Indonesia – Intern: “So I saw a bunch of doctors near the hospital outside smoking. Isn’t that weird?” SML: “Nah. My doctor friend smokes and drinks way too hard.” DJM: “Your doctor friend smokes and drinks? What does he drink, gin and juice? Smoke indo? Is his name Dre?”
Iran – Iran will finish fourth, but will photoshop it so it looks like they came in third.
Iraq – The Iraqi Olympic team will be made up entirely of US contractors. Expect them to do well. And then to kill everyone.
Ireland – Hasn’t done as well since bare-knuckle drunken boxing was removed as an event in 1984.
Israel – Ready to piss off almost everyone? Here we go: Please see “Palestine.”
Italy – With Manu Ginobili heading their basketball team, they should… wait, he’s from where?!?
Jamaica – Gwan witcha boi self, bumbleclot. Or something.
Japan – Great fun joy exciting sporting of match to win medal honoring fantastic! Neat-o!
Jordan – Will be sending seven athletes, including Khalil Al-Hanahneh, a sprinter who will try to improve on his 63rd place finish in the men’s 100 meter in the 2004 Olympics. They can fit 63 people on the track at once?
Kazakhstan – Their most famous citizen is fictional. Is very nice! Okay, favorite Kazakh quote of all-time: “Can you believe in America they let women vote, but not horses?!?”
Kenya – Is there running? Then expect them to win. Kenyans, much like Bruce Springsteen, are Born in the US… I mean, oops, Born to Run.
Korea Democratic People Republic - Insane dictator + nuclear weapons + proximity to games = they are still not going to win anything. They don’t have food, so they aren’t that worried about competing in the race walk.
Korea people Republic - Wait, is this North Korea? Come on, Koreas… please just go with “North” and “South”. This shit is confusing.
Kiribati – The main chain of islands is called “The Gilbert Islands”, where they speak “Gilbertese”. The islands were named (in French) “iles Gilbert” by Adam Johann von Krusenstern, an Estonian-German explorer for Russia. Yes, that freaking guy again.
Kosovo – Not yet an Olympic country, as they just declared independence from Serbia in Feb. Is currently recognized by 43 countries, including the US and 20 of the 27 EU nations. Also, as is the tradition in these parts, the Serbian minority in Albanian Kosovo is thinking of parting ways with Kosovo. The Former Yugoslavia: “Ready to start a World War? Consider the Balkans!”
Kuwait – The population of Kuwait is 3.5 million, but only 340K can vote. That’s because the majority of the population is made of non-nationals – over 2 million, mostly immigrants from Asia (Indians being the at the top of the list). It’s like the US, where 200 million people can vote, but only 62 actually do.
Kyrgyzstan – Would like to buy a vowel, please.
Laos – Laos will be sending Bob Malaythong (B-Thong) in badminton. He can be seen in the Vitamin Water commercial getting a shuttlecock smashed into his leg by David Ortiz. Normally you have to pay $9.95 an hour to see something like that.
Latvia – Latvia has the largest silver: gold medal ratio of any country, having won 10 silvers and only one gold. They are the Susan Lucci of Olympic countries.
Lebanon – See Grenada.
Lesotho – Best known for being that weird country completely within another country, sort of like a larger version of Vatican City. Lesotho is surrounded entirely by South Africa. It also sounds like some sort of evil wizard/magician. Behold the Great Lesotho!
Liberia -Well known for being a Flag of Convenience, and thus sports the largest number of registered ships. Every country has something to be proud off. Why can’t it be licensing boats? Also: Shhhhh!
Libya – If McCain gets elected (?), see Lebanon.
Lichtenstein – Israel hates this country, for having the most Jewish-sounding name. Unless you count Luxemberg.
Lithuania – Virgilujus Alekna has won both of Lithuania’s gold medals, in the discus event. He will be favorite to win again this year. Alekna is 6′7, with an abnormally long wingspan of a 7′4 man. According to Wikipedia, he can make fingerprints on both sides of a bus simultaneously. He doesn’t specify whether he’s inside the bus, or outside. He also works as a bodyguard for the President. We’ve got no punchline here… this guy legitimately scares the shit out of us. He makes Suge Knight look like Clay Aiken.
Luxembourg – The native language is Luxembourgish. Absolutely true. FYI: if it takes four syllables or more to pronounce your language’s name, it’s probably not an effective language.
The Former Yugoslavian Republic of Macedonia – The last time FYROM had a chance to win an Olympic event was when Korragos challenged to a fight the Olympic winner Dioxippos and lost. In 400 BC or so. You think Cubs fans have had a long wait? Historically the land that is now Macedonia has been part of several empires: The Greek Empire, the Roman Republic, the Roman Empire, the Byzantine Empire, the Bulgarian Empire (What?!? There was a Bulgarian Empire?!? Who did they rule over, the Albanians?), the Serbian Empire, the Ottoman Empire, and the Armoire Empire (which really clashed with the Ottoman).
Madagascar – A Slovak adventurer named Moric Benovsky managed to get himself elected as King of Madagascar by the natives in 1776. And probably eaten in 1777. (SML note: Oh no you didn’t!)
Malawi – “Malawi” is French for “bad awi”
Malaysia – “Malaysian” is French for “bad asian”.
Maldives – Bet you think you know where we are going with this… wrong! We don’t even speak French! “Maldives” is Latin for “Bad Dives”.
Mali – Sometimes gets the mail for Bali by accident.
Malta – Endangered by the presence of the Puerto Rican team, which often tries to “drink” the Malta team.
Marshall Islands – Anju Jason, a cook at a Panda Express fast food restaurant in a Hawaiian shopping center, is the first ever Olympian to represent The Marshall Islands, in Men’s Taekwondo. He! Is! Marshall! Islands!
Mauritania – Is not the same country as Mauritius.
Mauritius – Is the same country as Mauritania. So confusing.
Mexico – Will probably do well in both high jump and limbo.
Micronesia – An unfair advantage in gymnastic events, due to their people’s tiny, tiny size.
Rep. of Moldova – The unhappiest country in the world. It makes Belarus seem like Brazil. And Brazil seem like Madagascar. Wait, what were we talking about?
Monaco – Only ever wears a lens in front of one eye.
Mongolia – Swing, Baatar, Swing: will be represented in Judo by Tsagaanbaatar Khashbaatar.
Montenegro – The Tito Jackson of the former Yugoslavia – no one remembers them. Not even they can locate “The Black Mountain” on a map.
Morocco – Less Occo. I’m sick of all this Occo.
Mozambique – Congratulations, Mozambique. 207 countries in the world, and you are the only we couldn’t come up with one single freaking sentence for.
Myanmar – Will likely take the gold in Men’s Team Monk Beating (new event this year).
Namibia – Used to called “South-West Africa” back in the days when people knew where this country was. Too bad they lost their country name copyrights to a glorified flying bus service.
Nauru – The world’s smallest republic, smallest island nation, the only country in the world without an official capital, and the smallest population of an UN country (about the size of a crowded subway platform). Less populated than Vatican City. Also: Its main source of income is bird poop (in the form of phosphate mining).
Nepal – SML’s vote for the illest flag in the world. Come on, give them points for breaking the flag paradigm.
New Zealand – Home to Cousins of Ron Mexico’s favorite movie, Black Sheep.
Netherlands – They’re letting hell compete now? That’s hardly fair.
Netherlands Antilles - It is scheduled to disband on December 15th, 2008. Yep, this is the last time you’ll see these islands competing together. At least until the inevitable reunion tour. “Back together one more time, for the last time. With special guest appearances by Antigua!”
Niger – Racist.