Intern Bill can be funny when necessary. This is one of those times.

U2 front man Bono has a little trick he does at concerts. He leans in real close to the audience and says “Everytime I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.€ This can be similarly applied to Adam Dunn: Every time you clap your hands, he’s managed to strike out again.

There is a segment of the baseball-watching population, forever resolute with their slide rules and calculators, that will try to convince you that this is some how a good deal for Arizona. Don’t believe them! Their Jedi mind tricks and use of modern witchcraft like “statistics” in almost all cases make you, the reader, almost exponentially dumber. If you encounter these types, hammer a baseball glove outside your office window or doorframe. The idea that spreadsheets aren’t the ones actually playing baseball is an anathema to these sorts of fans and in most cases seeing an actual glove will cause them to flee screaming, the basis for their reality being forever changed.

Dunn’s offense is offensive. Sure he gets on base, and when in his home park he hits a lot of home runs. But when there’s a man on third and less than one out, a team isn’t looking for a home run, they’re looking for some contact to get the runner in. The days of the one-dimensional player are over in baseball. Who cares if he hits 40 jacks if there’s no one on base to drive them in? And how does a player get his teammates to get on base for him? Leadership, which Dunn, according to the Cincinnati Enquirer’s Paul Daugherty has none of.

There’s a commercial for the New York State Lottery that shows a plucky 3rd basemen who can’t field for his life. The ball bounces off his noggin’ Canseco-style, he gets hit in the testes, and basically embarrasses himself and his team. We’d wager that’s a pretty accurate representation to Dunn’s defensive ability. He makes David Ortiz look like Don Mattingly when Big Papi actually goes into the field.

So what happens if (and that’s as big of an “if” as the hole in the “Big Country’s” swing) Dunn and Arizona actually make the postseason? The pitchers will be the kind of hard throwing, high-strikeout pitchers that can dominate in the postseason. That means we can all watch Dunn strike out five times in four AB’s, tearing a hole through the fabric of space-time continuum and dooming the Snakes all at the same time.

This ends, thankfully, the Adam Dunn era in Cincinnati. He had a big swing, big strikeout totals, and if Toronto Blue Jays GM JP Ricciardi is to be believed, a big attitude problem. But chicks dig the long ball, and Dunn provided a whole lot of long balls. Too bad he couldn’t provide wins as well.