Shit you not, folks. The happy ending set in Detroit must be crushed:

I am in a large chair in a dim room in a basement-level massage shop, which is open 24 hours — yes, 24 hours — and has a sign in English calling itself the Ouijang Healthcare Club, and another sign in Chinese that I am guessing reads, “Physical Torture For Foreign Guests; Reasonable Rates.”

I am getting a one-hour foot massage, something that is a growing rage in China. It costs about 20 bucks. I could have had two hours for 40 bucks, but why be greedy with this kind of agony?

Newspapers are shedding staff, print is dying, and the Detroit Free Press spent big bucks to send its “poofy-haired gnome” across the world to churn out this garbage. Hey, he’s doing man-on-the-street stuff to give everyone in Detroit a taste of what it’s really like in Beijing! Right. Because if we lived in Dan LeBatard’s favorite dump, we’d want to open the paper and read what a $20 foot massage is like from a dude.

Hey Michael Rosenberg, how’s your back? We figured it might be hurting from carrying the Freep’s Olympics coverage.

Here’s why they stand so straight (Frodo)
EARLIER: Mitch Albom’s awful Olympic columns