Sixty year-olds in skintight shorts everywhere are rejoicing (sorry Dad), Lance Armstrong has returned to competitive cycling.  The All-American hero will join the Astrana team on Sept. 18, his 37th birthday, with whom he will ride in five races, most notably, next summer’s Tour de France.

A four-time winner of the prestigious ESPY award for Best Male Athlete, Armstrong’s media mancrushitude evokes images of Brett Favre. However, the one-nutted wonder has a far more sinister parallel in American sports, fellow Texan Roger Clemens.

They both exhibit facets of the American ethos, Armstrong with his stone-face to adversity and Clemens as the temperamental natural.

The two were perceived to be, shining saints for their sports.  By the clean virtue of their greatness, they conquered a competition as doped up as Big Brown.

Both men are praised for an indomitable spirit.  Lance fought through cancer and a brain tumor, to win his sport’s most prestigious competition seven times in a row.  Roger, with feelings hurt by Dan Duquette, took a hot shot of winstrol in the ass and won four more Cy Youngs.

Clemens and Armstrong both have performance-enhancing drug denouncers.  Brian McNamee ratted Roger out to the Mitchell Commission.  Lance got fingered by his former masseuse, two former teammates and his personal assistant.  Roger had used syringes and gauze.  Lance had old urine samples.

They both attacked these detractors virulently, but unsuccessfully.  Lance impugned the journalistic quality of negative articles, and settled out of court with his assistant.  Clemens acted big and tough, proudly displayed a weird, meaningless telephone conversation, wasted Congress’ time and made an all-around ass of himself.

Both men muddled their personal lives and reputations as well.  Roger, reportedly, had a girl in every port and sometimes underage.  Lance left his wife who stuck with him through cancer, and left Sheryl Crow for cool-dude workouts with Matthew McConaughey and an alleged Olsen twin.

Their most important similarity seems to be profound insecurity.  Reaching their profession’s pinnacle and being able to call oneself the best, is not enough.  They need to reemphasize it to the rest of us repeatedly, whatever the cost, and no matter how much we want them to go away.