Robin Van Persie and his lovely wife Bouchra.

Chelsea 1 - Arsenal 2: Once the hardest away tie in the Premier League, Scolari’s Stamford Bridge is just another venue.  Chelsea dominated toothlessly, unable to threaten despite their physicality, with Didier Drogba listening to his iPod in the stands.   Robin Van Persie scored two goals (one legitimate) in three minutes, showing why Arsenal tolerate his petulance.  Captain Fabregas has returned Arsenal to the title race, or at least to respectability.

Manchester Derby: Wayne Rooney scored his 100th goal, which was all United needed for a 1-0 victory.  The Portuguese Man-O-Sex earned a red card for mocking the referee and for raising two hands to protect his coif.  The only way he could have seen red in a more Ronaldo fashion, would have been bookings for shorn legs and hot pants.  Dimitar Berbatov should score more than two goals in eleven appearances, to justify United’s £30.75 million expenditure.  Pouting and casual ambling are not intangibles.

Real Trouble: A shorthanded Real Madrid lost 3-1 away to Getafe in a quasi-Madrid derby, dropping them to third in the table, six points behind leaders Barcelona, who excelled in a characteristic 3-0 thumping of Sevilla.  I’m not witty enough to write for a news outlet, so I won’t torment you with an endless stream of puns terming this a “Real Crisis” or point out to you how their defending was “Really” awful.  “A lot of things happened in the match and at no time did we have the feeling we could win” will probably be among Bernt Schuster’s final words.

Inter Extend Lead: Sulley Muntari setup a goal and scored another, spurring Inter Milan toward an adequate 2-1 win over Napoli, tinged with the numbing Mourinho flourish.  It was enough to extend their lead to six points, as AC Milan suffered a senior moment — possibly forgetting their little blue pills — during an impotent 3-1 defeat away to Palermo.  The score sounds a lot better than it looked, thanks to a late penalty from Ronaldinho.  Juve moved into second on goal difference with a 4-0 win over Reggina.

The Punctual Brad Friedel: American goalkeeper Brad Friedel broke the Premier League record for consecutive appearances, 167, during Aston Villa’s 0-0 draw with Fulham.  The 37-year-old has played for Liverpool, Blackburn Rovers, Galatasaray and the Columbus Crew of MLS and has appeared 82 times for the U.S. National Team.  Not to disparage Friedel’s accomplishment, but there is, perhaps, no award that can quite encapsulate the mediocrity of American soccer quite like Perfect Attendance.

Goal of the Weekend: Leo Messi vs. Sevilla