This is Nicole Merry, Thierry Henry’s model ex-wife, who is living up to her surname now that she is $11.8 million richer.

Bayern Withstand a Hoff Hassling: The aristocratic Bayern flush with entitlement faced off against the nouveau-riche Hoffenheim with billions and boffo development plans, in the bitterest class warfare. The Hoff struck first in the second half, but Philip Lahm equalized and Luca Toni flexed his dramatic flair with a winner in injury time. The clubs are now level on points at the top of the Bundesliga.

Young the Villain for Everton: Joleon Lescott, on loan from the Klingon Empire, scored a seemingly last gasp second goal in the 93rd minute to save a 2-2 draw for Everton. But it was Ashley Young who gasped last, skinning Lescott at the other end for his second of the match, to give Aston Villa the 3-2 win. The victory keeps Villa sniffing Arsenal’s rose-smelling backside for the fourth Champions League place. Villa will feel fortunate, as Young chose to unleash his fury on opponents for once, rather than himself.

Man U Overcome Mackem Might: Sunderland hoarded their steel, conveniently deploying it after Roy Keane resigned as manager. The Black Cats held the line against United, despite allowing them 31 shots and 72% of the possession. However, a late Vidic goal robbed them of a well-earned draw. The “Roonatov” combination up front has scored just one goal in the past eight games. Man U should consider giving Carlos Tevez, who scored four goals in Wednesday’s Carling Cup match, a start.

Sad Eyes for the Madridistas: Sevilla beat Real 4-3 in a raucous contest at the Bernabeu that surely set the record for Herculean Ray Hudson exhalations in a single match. Sevilla took a 3-1 lead in the first half, but Real stormed back in the second to tie, only to be foiled finally by a Renato winner. Both sides could have won. Both sides easily could score two or three more. Of all the closing images for such a majestic soccer feast, the television feed chose a fat man in a raincoat impassively gnawing on a flatbread sandwich.

Thierry Henry, Thierry Henry: After a year of well-recompensed soul-searching in the Catalan wilderness, Thierry Henry achieved closure this week. He shed emotional baggage by concluding protracted divorce proceedings and literal baggage with his ex-wife assuming $11.8 million of his fortune. Henry also proved that he, in fact, can still play the game of soccer at an elite level, scoring a hat-trick in Barcelona’s 4-0 win over Valencia to move them six points clear at the top of the Spanish league.

Goal of the Week: Carlos Tevez, Manchester United vs. Blackburn