This week and next, we’ll be profiling each division in Major League baseball. The teams will be listed in projected order of finish, and an asterisk means we think they’ll be in the postseason. Enjoy the offbeat links, mock our selections, and offer your own analysis.

Minnesota Twins * – As much as we love the Twins pitching staff, this is what really hurts: no Liriano this year. Still, the awesomely-named trio of Johan, Boof and Garza should carry Minnesota to another division title. What we love most about the small-town Twins is that underrated general manager Terry Ryan won the division despite spending a mere $63 million. Watch for a monster season for Torii Hunter (contract year!!), indomitable catcher Joe Mauer and reigning AL MVP Justin Morneau. If you’re hoping for a witty comment about Kent Hrbek or Frank Viola, no such luck. Mauer, however, is a lucky, lucky man.

Detroit Tigers – Everyone’s got these guys falling from the World Series to out of the playoffs. So do we. No reason in particular, we’re just dubious about the Tigers pitching staff duplicating last year’s incredible performance (team ERA of 3.84). Pine-tar user Kenny Rogers should turn back into the 12-8, 4.50 ERA pumpkin he always was. Because we like to help people out – Tigers players should not ask newbie Gary Sheffield about his wife and R. Kelly. Coolest thing about the Tigers? Betcha didn’t know Curtis Granderson’s the next Gilbert Arenas!

Cleveland Indians – Grady Sizemore is a Victoria’s Secret model away from becoming the Tom Brady of MLB. And the Indians are quality starting pitching away from challenging the Twins and Tigers. At any rate, the Tribe will be considerably better than last year’s 78-win team. Josh Barfield is probably the most underrated pickup in the Division; Keith Foulke, finally out from under the glaring spotlight in Boston, wasn’t bad either. [Ed. That may be true. If he hadn't retired earlier this month.] If Sizemore ever needs a partner to double date, he can tap gotta-stay-healthy chubster CC Sabathia, who used to bang big booty ho, Serena Williams.

Chicago White Sox – Won 90 games last year, which would have been second best in the National League, but was only good for third in the competitive AL Central. Why will the slide continue? Ozzie Guillen’s mouthy tirades. While we enjoy them, his eruptions can’t possibly be good for the team, which will then attract more media scrutiny, which is never fun (ask the Yankees). Lost three pretty good pitchers in Freddy Garcia, Neal Cotts and Brandon McCarthy, and closer Bobby Jenks has been so bad in spring training, his job is in jeopardy. The offense (Thome and Dye) is old. Javier Vazquez is a joke against American League hitting. Sadly, Jay Mariotti will have the last laugh when Guillen gets canned at season’s end.

Kansas City Royals – Ewww. That foul stench in baseball isn’t Ozzie Guillen’s beautiful verbiage – it’s the Royals. And we’re still astonished fans in Kansas City bother going to games with bumbling owner David Glass running the show. Oh, but wait – as a show of good faith, he spent money this winter! Specifically, Gil fucking Meche. Yup, 5-years and $55 million for a guy who was 11-8 with a 4.48 ERA last year. We’re done here.