We refuse to talk about Pittsburgh’s sloppy 3-0 triumph over Miami on MNF. We didn’t see one second of the game, and don’t want to pretend to think what Tony K and Jaws were muttering about for 59 minutes. As for the rankings, we were seriously tempted to put Tennessee or Arizona dead last. But didn’t. Whatever you do, please click on the Buffalo Bills link. It’ll jar you from your mid-afternoon, post-lunch narcoleptic fit. And spare us the, ‘x beat y in the second week of the season, so they should be higher.’ What have you done for me lately?

1. New England Patriots – Here’s how Baltimore wins: Bench Boller and McNair and start Troy Smith. Belichick won’t be ready for the Heisman Trophy winner.
2. Dallas Cowboys – Somebody please liveblog the Cowboys-Packers game in case we can’t make it to a bar.
3. Indianapolis Colts – Really, they’ve been unimpressive for three and a half games … or since halftime of the Patriots loss.
4. Green Bay Packers – How dumb were we to pick the Lions to beat the Packers? BCS computer-dumb.
5. Jacksonville Jaguars – Good enough defense to make noise in the postseason?
6. Pittsburgh Steelers – Willie Parker’s mother wasn’t a mudder.
7. Cleveland Browns – Does Brady Quinn have a future in … Tampa?
8. Seatte Seahawks – Somehow, kicker Josh Brown plans on taking down Brian Westbrook Sunday.
9. Tampa Bay Bucs – Earnest Graham has two 100-yard games and hasn’t fumbled since week 1. Ced Benson should study his tape in the offseason.
10. New York Giants – Who knew Brandon Jacobs was that valuable to the offense?
11. Philadelphia Eagles – Bet rookie Kevin Kolb feels bitter right about now.
12. San Diego Chargers – Maybe the Chargers should trade for him.
13. Chicago Bears – Cedric Benson’s inexorable quest for 1,000 yards ends at 674. He’s done for the year.
14. Tennessee Titans – In a champagne room somewhere, Pacman smiles.
15. Detroit Lions – We’d mock the running game three weeks in a row, but we feel it finally shows up against the Vikings this weekend. It must. Or else.
16. Washington Redskins – No, the Buffalo game shouldn’t be canceled, and yes, we expect the Skins to beat the Bills. Nice to see fans snapping up Taylor jerseys and voting him to the Pro Bowl.
17. Denver Broncos – Can the Broncos win with their 5th RB option this week in Oakland?
18. Minnesota Vikings – Brad Childress better know what he’s doing putting Adrian Peterson on the field against the Lions.
19. Buffalo Bills – “Marshawn Lynch says hello to his professors at Cal.” Do your part and bookmark Lynch’s blog.
20. Baltimore Ravens – Bart Scott needs a blog.
21. New Orleans Saints – Not hyperbole, but the season hinges upon Sunday’s game at Tampa Bay.
22. Cincinnati Bengals – With three games left against St. Louis, San Fran and Miami, and … who are we kidding – no shot at the playoffs.
23. Arizona Cardinals – Still think they can reach the playoffs (NFC, baby!) … but you lose to these 49ers twice and we lose all respect for you.
24. Houston Texans – In case you care … Mario Williams has six sacks.
25. Kansas City Chiefs – Scoopage! Matthew Berry’s hot tip will be: “Kolby Smith is a good start this week.”
26. Carolina Panthers – Perhaps our worst call of the year, regardless of sport (or movie). David Carr, Vinny T … bring on Cade McNown, dammit.
27. Atlanta Falcons – For some reason, we were just daydreaming about Gus Johnson and the NCAA tournament.
28. Oakland Raiders – Approaching the one-year anniversary of Justin Fargas’s rap album, Young Hugg in Black and White.
29. St. Louis Rams – Someone actually emailed in asking why we called him Headbutt Frerotte. This is why.
30. New York Jets – Bad, bad feeling about these guys going into Miami Sunday.
31. San Francisco 49ers – Take away two late, lucky wins against the Cardinals and you’ve got a one-win team.
32. Miami Dolphins – Good, good feeling about these guys hosting the Jets Sunday.