Jason Varitek. Jason Varitek! Jason Varitek? Intern Bill sizes up the AL roster. NL tomorrow. This photo? It’s old, but comical. The grin, the girls, the abundance of turquoise, and of course, the goofy clown with the black undershirt and shades indoors. Ricky is not happy with that development. Also, we hear Derek Jeter and Michael Jordan are throwing a massive party early next week for the MLB All-Star game. If anyone has details, kindly email us.

The way the All-Stars are selected are as follows:

Starters – Fans vote online. An individual can vote like 20 times.
Reserves — Fellow players do the voting.
Pitchers — The manager makes the selections.

This wouldn’t all be so intellectually bankrupt expect for the fact that after an All-Star game ended in a tie a few years ago, the baseball front offices in New York felt that the game should “count.€ Therefore, the winner of the All-Star game gets to have home field advantage in the World Series. And baseball is considered to be one of the better run sports leagues in America.

The following is our take on the selections, who missed the cut, and various baseball apocrypha that probably won’t be as boring as the standard “who got snubbed” pre-ASG coverage. First up, the American League!

AMERICAN LEAGUE STARTERS

First base: Kevin Youkilis (Boston): Solid choice. Plays a terrific defensive 1B while being the best offensive 1B in the AL.

Second base: Dustin Pedroia (Boston): Lousy choice. Indefensible choice. Pedroia isn’t even the best 2B in his own division (that honor would go to Orioles 2B Brian Roberts). Texas’ Ian Kinsler is probably the MVP up to this point in the season. But what else can we expect from the pizza-throwing, racial-epithet hurling degenerates of the New England area? Ballot stuffing must be stopped.

Shortstop: Derek Jeter (New York): Not quite as bad as the Pedroia choice, but still bad. Jeter happens to be the 2nd best SS in a down year at the position in the AL. He’s behind Rangers SS Michael Young. Both are bad. Both play truly horrid defense.

Third base: Alex Rodriguez (New York): Leading vote getter, best 3B in the AL, and might be the MVP up to this point in the season. This one is a no-brainer.

Catcher: Joe Mauer (Minnesota): Mauer is neck-and-neck with Atlanta’s Brian McCann as the best catcher in baseball. McCann hits for more power, Mauer gets on base more and is a better defensive player. Either way, right choice.

Outfield: Josh Hamilton (Texas): Great story. Amazing player. Wrong choice. JD Drew would be the right pick here, who also happens to hold the honor of the most disliked player in MLB.

Outfield: Manny Ramirez (Boston): We love Manny. The dreds, the base-pimpin’, the seemingly obvious marijuana use no one mentions but everyone whispers about (allegedly!). But Johnny Damon might be the better choice here. Or even the Chicago White Sox’s Carlos Quentin. Damon is currently on the DL, so Manny is defendable choice.

Outfield: Ichiro Suzuki (Seattle): Miserable pick. Grady Sizemore is far and away the best CF in the AL. Ichiro’s been getting his managers fired and mailing in his season since the middle of last year. Any chance we’re getting some Yao Ming-style ballot stuffing from our friends overseas?

DH: David Ortiz (Boston): Without question, the worst fan voting pick, possibly ever. Ortiz hasn’t played since May. And the number of possible replacements are legion. Milton Bradly ain’t playin’ games this year (sorry- too easy), Jermaine Dye is having an All-Star caliber season. Even Peter Angelos’ red-headed step child Aubrey Huff is doing well. Hell, put the Giam-BALCO on the team. It’s Yankee Stadium! Anything would be better than Ortiz.

PITCHERS

Mariano Rivera (New York): Can’t do too much better than a 100% SV conversion rate. The G.O.A.T. until proven otherwise.

Scott Kazmir (Tampa Bay): The Scott Kazmir/Victor Zambrano trade never gets funnier for people who like to torment the Mets. Didn’t former Mets pitcher Al Leiter try to get Kazmir traded because he didn’t show him respect? Wasn’t there a player troika of John Franco, Leiter, and Mike Piazza that held the Mets back for years? Everytime Kazmir throttles an AL East opponent (and this happens often) think of Scott Kazmir facing a pitcher every three innings. It’s good for the soul!

George Sherill (Baltimore): The flat-brimmed RP was part of the haul for the Bedard trade, which is looking worse and worse for Seattle as the days pass. If the Orioles are serious about rebuilding, they’ll trade Sherrill by the All-Star break.

Roy Halladay (Toronto): Terrific starting pitcher for the Toronto Blue Jays and perennial Cy Young favorite (provided he stays healthy) is not only a worthy addition, but also fills the Canadian quota. Solid selection.

Jonathan Papelbon (Boston): This is a pretty miserable choice, not because Papelbon’s had a bad season, per se, but because so many other relievers have played so much better. As an alternate, how about Baltimore pitcher James Johnson, or Tampa Bay’s Dan Wheeler? Matt Thornton has been righteous for the Chicago White Sox as well. I think it’s time we as a society get over the “Save.”

Justin Duchscherer (Oakland): A 1.96 ERA and a 3:1 K/BB ratio, “The Duck” has been terrific for the rebuilding A’s.

Joe Nathan (Minnesota): The closer for the Twins has been locked-up long term, and a good selection. Matt Gurrier is also a solid RP worthy of consideration. It still breaks my heart the now-injured Pat Neshek missed out on the All-Star game last year.

Joakim Soria (Royals): A quota filler here for the Royals. Zack Grienkie would have been an inspired choice, but the hype, the NY nightlife, and the abuse he’d take from standing in the middle of the sidewalk in Times Square would probably make him forget to take his meds, move to a cabin Montana with a full-bearded Jake Plummer, 30 AK’s, 400 lbs. of C-4 and a bear.

Cliff Lee (Indians): The best pitcher in the AL to date, Lee should be the starter in this year’s mid-summer classic.

Francisco Rodriguez (Los Angeles): Remember how Martin Gramatica celebrated so much after kicking a field goal that he hurt himself and it basically ended his season? Part of us wants to see the same thing happen to the irritatingly named “K-Rod.” It’s three outs people, many times in super-low pressure situations. Enough with the moundgasms.

Ervin Santana (Los Angeles): Shawn Marcum (had he been healthy) might have made a good choice, as would Santana’s AL West counterpart, Felix Hernandez. Remember how the Orioles had a deal on the table for Ervin Santana and Erik Ayabar for Miguel Tejada, but turned it down because they thought they could contend? In what year? Does it matter?? Somewhere, O’s fans are trying to forget the nightmare that has been their post-1996 history.

Joe Saunders (Los Angeles): We mentioned a few pitchers that might fit better here. Pick one of them.

RESERVES:

J.D. Drew (Boston): Good choice.
Jason Varitek (Boston): This is proof-positive that the players might actually be dumber than the fans. Jason Varitek is having probably the worst season out of any catcher in the AL. In a year when he should be playing for his next contract, he’s more or less playing like his career is over. Even Varitek’s agent, Scott Boras, is telling him to curb his expectations, and Scott Boras got Rick Porcello $8 million dollars. Want to find a more deserving backup? Buy a stack of baseball cards, open it up, and take out a catcher. There are always like five of them in there. Whoever you picked would probably be more deserving.
Joe Crede (Chicago): More evidence of the above. Crede is a good player who hustles, plays the right way, and probably gets along well with everyone. But why not select Evan Longoria, probably the 2nd best 3B in the AL right now? Mike Lowell would be a good choice as well.
Carlos Quentin (Chicago): Good choice.
Grady Sizemore (Cleveland): Good choice.
Carlos Guillen (Detroit): A versatile player who can field 1B, 3B, SS, and while at SS was basically the offensive equal of Derek Jeter. And Mariners traded him away for a song! Unbelievable the dysfunction in that organization.
Justin Morneau (Minnesota): Another weird choice, this one a touch more defensible. Mourneau is probably the 3rd best 1B in the AL this year. The Yankees Jason Giambi might be a bit more deserving, if you consider falling down, getting injured, and DH’ing for half the season playing first base.
Milton Bradley (Texas): Good choice.
Ian Kinsler (Texas): Good choice.
Michael Young (Texas): Good choice.
Dioner Navarro (Tampa Bay): A player who has bounced around a lot in his young career is among the best defensive catchers in the AL. I’m just surprised the players knew who he was.