Commenter, sometimes-grounds keeper and Major League Jerk founder, Hef gets to sound off once a week in this space. Today, he takes the old-as-dirt, not-gonna-make-the-playoffs, New York Yankees, to task. Schradenfreude for all! The Yankees are dead! Long live the Yankees!

September starts on Monday, and with it comes the final stretch of games to the playoffs. As of right now the Yankees are 10.5 games back in the division and 7 games back of the Red Sox for the Wild Card with a 4.6% shot of making the playoffs (if you give credence to those things). So while they haven’t been mathematically elimanated from contention, they would have to leap frog both the Red Sox and the loser of the AL Central division race (currently the Twins who are 4.5 games ahead of the Yanks). So while I won’t say they’re done, their odds are slim and getting smaller everyday.

The good news is we get to play the blame game now. Huzzah! We get to place the weight of the entire season’s faults on a single person in order to malign them and attach a label to them which they will almost certainly never shed. After all, every season can be clearly ensconced in a single play, person or ideal. Everything in life is a metaphor and, just like in the movies, can be easily summed up by one play with the right music playing in the background. So here are the leading candidates to take the fall for the lousy season the Yankees have had (in no particular order):

Alex Rodriguez: What a bum. Everyone knows that home runs are meaningless unless they come at the end of the game with two men on, in dramatic situations. Who cares if he’s hitting .308/.398/.583 on the season? That’s garbage and we all know it. ARod’s only hitting .213 with runners on 2nd base. Who cares that it’s only 75 ABs and is only 6 hits shy of his overall average. Those six hits are so damn important. Okay, he’s not having a good August (Nine GDPs in August. 9!!!) and was injured earlier in the season. He still has 28 HRs and 78 RBI in 111 games which are damn good numbers. He’s easily the best player on the team and takes an inordinate amount of the blame considering there are two other guys on the team making more than $20MM who don’t take nearly as much guff as he does. This punching bag needs to get out of NY and away from a collection of idiot fans who don’t appreciate him.

(pssstt…He will almost certainly be blamed for the Yanks’ failure)

Derek Jeter: The Captain. Mr. Clutch. Mr. November. The Man Who Single Handedly Won Every Game for the Yankees Since 1996 While Simultaneously Banging Half the Chicks in New York. The Legend. Mr. Clutch. Did I already say that one? Well shit, he’s so clutch I should probably say it twice. You try attaching a label to him other than “winner” or “clutch” or “gamer.” That dude’s Teflon: no shit’s gonna stick to him. Ignore the fact that he’s having the worst year of his career; that his BA is 30 points lower than last year; that his OPS is almost 100 points lower than last year and his defense is atrocious. None of this matters because he gets hits when they matter most, late in the game and with men on. It doesn’t matter that the reason he needs to hit all of these clutch hits is because he couldn’t/didn’t get the hits early in the game when the score was still 0-0: this is meaningless. Derek Jeter knows that the fans want drama and hitting a 2 out double with no one on base in the second inning is boring.

Joe Girardi: Joe Torre wouldn’t have let this happen. Never you mind that Torre’s Dodgers are three games below .500 in the worst division in baseball, when Torre ran the Yanks, they always made the playoffs.

Does anyone believe this? Does anyone believe that the manager affects more than two or three games per year? Let’s say he’s the greatest manager ever and single handedly wins three more games this year…the Yanks are still four back of the Red Sox for the Wild Card. Girardi’s a smart baseball man (from what I hear) and is not the reason that Yankees have lost and Joe Torre was not the reason they won.

Hank Steinbrenner: An overall loud mouth who pushed Joba Chamberlain into the starting rotation (which worked well until he injured himself). Always loud and always drawing attention to himself. Famously called the NL outdated for requiring pitchers to run the bases after Wang got injured doing just that. During the off season he called Oakland’s demands for Dan Haren ridiculous and backed Brian Cashman’s decision not to trade for Johan Santana for Ian Kennedy, Melky Cabrera and a minor leaguer because he was convinced that Kennedy was going to be a star. Is he responsible for the mistakes this team has made? As much as I hate to say it, probably not. But, his unwillingness to scrap the team, allow for a losing season, and rebuild is preventing the team from growing and making the necessary changes to succeed. World Series are less easily bought then they were in years past because there are A) several teams willing to spend a lot of money to get high priced talent and B) several teams who are smarter than the Yankees in terms of trading, drafting and generally evaluating talent. While Steinbrenner doesn’t deserve the blame for this year, the “win now without ever taking a year off to fix what ails us” mentality damages the Yanks’ shot at returning to their dynastic ways. This of course brings us to:

Brian Cashman: Probably the most likely candidate to take the blame (outside of ARod: it’s always ARod’s fault). As GM, he was at the helm when the Yankees turned down the offer of Kennedy, Cabrera and CF Jose Tabata for Johan Santana. His trades for Pudge Rodriguez, Xavier Nady and Damaso Marte had little affect. He couldn’t get CC Sabathia because the Yanks have a very thin farm system (years of trading minor leaguers for superstars will do that). I’m not sure I see him as the culprit but I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Hank gave him the axe.

Old Age: Take a look at this:
Mussina 39
Rivera 38
Posada 37
Giambi 37
IRod 36
Pettite 36
Abreu 34
Matsui 34
Damon 34
Jeter 34
ARod 33

Should I keep going? Most people outside of New York would have difficulty identifying any of the players under 30 (with the exception of Joba-fat people with nicknames are always remembered, right Chunk?). This team is old and their production value is only going to go down. Steroid and HGH testing is getting more sophisticated and players aren’t allowed to take “greenies” in the clubhouse. Players won’t be able to stay young forever anymore. I know old age isn’t an entity upon whom we can place the blame of the season. But failing to plan for old age would fall under Brian Cashman’s responsibilities. Should they fire him? So long as Hank refuses to allow the team to lose for a season (or two?) there’s really no point. Any GM who is placed into the Yankees system will face the same restrictions that Cashman did.