Nationals 1, Mets 0: Dear Jerry Manuel, I hope your team continues to suck offensively. Your players are annoying and undisciplined, and I’m looking forward to watching everyone suffer. Your Mets are the Major League version of Lindsay Lohan. Sure, everyone would like to try ‘em for a week or two, but they’ll eventually crumble under the pressure. You’re all trashy whores. – Willie Randolph

White Sox 6, Yankees 2: Juan Uribe went 3-for-3 with two RBI, Alexei Ramirez homered and Konerko and Griffey each contributed one RBI in a vast, Central Division conspiracy to sabotage Derek Jeter’s night. Jeter set the all-time record for hits at Yankee Stadium, giving Peter King a throbbing Starbucks youknowwhat.

Rays 2, Red Sox 1: The Rays increased their division lead to one whole game with a gritty performance from Andy Sonnanstine, Grant Balfour, J.P. Howell and Dan Wheeler. Gritty, as in “did you know Michael Phelps eats an entire bowl of grits as part of his breakfast?” Yea; I knew that… saw it once on television. Carlos Pena hit a solo homer and Dioner Navarro hit a walk-off single. I don’t like Kevin Youkilis.

Marlins 5, Astros 1: Jorge Cantu hit a three-run homer and Chris Volstad gave up a run in eight innings to move the Marlins six games over .500. Roy Oswalt struck out 10 and gave up three runs in six innings. Buster Olney reports the Astros lost all their momentum when Hurricane Ike interrupted their schedule. I guess that makes sense given that the Astros had won 14 of 15 before the disaster.

Cubs 5, Brewers 4: Despite two homers from Prince Fielder, Milwaukee lost Dale Sveum’s managerial debut (THEY SHOULD HAVE HIRED DICKY THON). Aramis Ramirez had three hits and two RBI and Alfonso Soriano hit his 29th homer to hand CC Sabathia his first loss since joining the special league. That’s right: the Cubs handed them the loss … in a leather briefcase … that smelled of penny-loafers.