Welcome! Thanks for joining us tonight. We should be in for a fairly good show. I might type in the third person tonight. In addition to my typing like a typical blogger, we’ve got two of the absolute biggest and least-accomplished names in Mixed Martial Arts on display tonight.

The recently disrobed, first lady of MMA, Gina Carano and former homeless guy/porno shoot body guard, Kevin “Kimbo Slice” Ferguson.

The latest, most disappointing news, is that Ken Shamrock apparently fell down a flight of stairs and dislocated his hip. I made the hip part up, but the fact remains: Ken Shamrock will not be fighting Kimbo Slice tonight. This has caused quite a bit of disappointment in my living room as we were all looking forward to this fight. The biggest loser in all this, is Patrick Imig, who poured his little blogger heart into Shamrock’s professional wrestling retrospective.

The replacement for Shamrock has yet to be announced. Supposedly they’re going to take someone from the undercard. I hope it’s Cristiane “Cyborg” Santos. If you remember, she’s the one who was mercilessly beating the ass of another girl during the last CBS card. She thought the referee was stopping the fight because it was such an impressive beat down, so she ran across the octagon and jumped on top of the cage to celebrate. After a few moments of elation, she realized that the fight was still going on and immediately went back to kicking the other girl’s ass. Hopefully, her fight finds it’s way onto prime time tonight.

Speaking of prime time…

We have 5 fights with 100 possible minutes of fight scheduled. The telecast is scheduled for 120 minutes.

Shamrock looks like he got a pretty nasty cut. The guy replacing him is… well, let’s just say his name is tough to spell. As soon as I figure out who he is, I might post it here.

We’re nearly 10 minutes in, and the fights haven’t started.

Frank Shamrock just called his brother out for possibly ruining the Shamrock family’s legacy. You can tell Ken is the adopted brother in the family.

The fact that there is currently enough time for the fights to run back-to-back-to-back and just end in time for the evening news doesn’t concern anyone. Except me. I freaking love the evening news.

I apologize for referring to the EliteXC ring as an Octagon. There are like 13 sides or something here. I’m not sure what that is called.

I wish my name was ninja.

Ninja is getting his ass kicked. Hay-maker after hay-maker. Wow.

Oh, here’s tonight’s lineup:

  • Kevin “Kimbo Slice” Ferguson vs. Ken Shamrock
  • Champ Jake Shields vs. Paul Daley (for EliteXC welterweight title)
  • Andrei Arlovski vs. Roy Nelson
  • Gina Carano vs. Kelly Kobold-Gavin
  • Benji Radach vs. Murilo “Ninja” Rua

You’re currently watching Benjie Radach punch Murillo Rua in the face.

This is some good old fashioned wrasslin. I think the fact that both of these guys are out on their feet has something to do with the fight slowing down.

Our first Jason Mewes sighting of the night. Zack and Miri make a Porno looks good.

Radach is a hero. And he just knocked out Ninja Rua for the 4th or 5th time tonight. This time it’s official.

Woman want to open up a can… when they’re cooking. (My roommate said that – I stole it.)

Gina Carano vs. Kelly Kobold-Gavin

Kobold said she wanted to break something beautiful tonight. Well, she certainly couldn’t do that if she fell down.

Kelly Kobold has aged well for a 25-year-old, eh?

Email from Stephen in parts unknown:

a 13 sided polygon is a triskaidecagon. I commented that too, but feel free to mention how awesome I am / how awesome my blog is.

Actually, it’s from fetch. He lives in Canada or some shit. I guess I’m supposed to mention MLJ, but I’m not going to.

Sorry for the lack of updates during the Carano fight, but my wings just got here. And the fight lasted about 4 minutes.

Back to the wings.

Andrei Arlovski vs. Roy Nelson

This ought to be quick. Arlovski is an animal and Nelson is… chubby.

Seriously, Nelson is fat. Arlovski should win by the time this posts.

Guess not. Boooring.

Bryant Reeves has really let himself go.

Tito Ortiz sure looks sharp. He ought to beat the shit out of a couple people in XC beforehe gets a title shot and gets destroyed.

I can see it now: Ortiz-Shamrock IV on UPN!

Yet another ass-kicking. Arlovski looked good. This definitely worked out well for EXC. A top fighter came in and put on a decent show. (When he didn’t have a fat guy laying on top of him)

Now it’s time for the second of the three main events. Woo!

Jake Shields vs. Paul Daley

The Dodgers just took a 2-0 lead against the Cubs. Is it safe to assume that any team that traded for Manny Ramirez would make the World Series this season?

Jake Shields is EliteXC’s first real star. Let’s see if that lasts.

Good hustle by Shields. Obviously he’s been told to hurry the fuck up. We’ve got the evening news on deck!

Before this gets going, what’s the over/under on number of minutes before Tina Fey shows up on SNL tonight? I’m going with .1 minutes.

I’ve just been schooled – Frank Shamrock is also adopted.

Shields was dominating, but not really doing any damage. Hey – it’s Kimbo! Yes, that is what’s up.

Hulk and Brooke Hogan are in attendance. Is it weird that I made them sound like a couple?

And Shields wins.

Time for Kimbo. Nice. I’ve been waiting months for Kimbo Slice – Seth… McFarland?

Kimbo Slice vs. Seth Petruzelli

Frank Shamrock just said EXC would have a new superstar if Petruzelli wins. Or, they would have one less star. Same thing…

Was Rocky Balboa some sort of underdog?

What a beard. And the complete horse shoe… what a look.

Is one of his… breasts(?) shaved?

If Bozo the clown had cornrows…

How do you get the nickname, “The Silverback?”

KIMBO SLICE IS DEAD!

EliteXC is done. Kimbo Slice is done. It’s over. It’s all over. Dana White is smiling, MMA fans are laughing.

Kimbo Slice is who we thought he was.

Petruzelli is now the biggest name in…just kidding. He’s still a nobody. Keep your eyes open for Ortiz-Shamrock 4! Coming sometime in 2012!

Well, good night everyone. Drive safely. And enjoy Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin on SNL tonight.