Confirmed: Udonis Haslem Cannot Believe the State of Florida
NBA May 3rd. 2009, 6:30pm
Udonis Haslem attended high school in Jacksonville, played college hoops for the Gators and has spent all six of his NBA seasons with the Heat, but this tattoo of Florida is off the charts.
It’s hard to say where this ranks among those hilarious hockey tattoos in terms of walking stupidity, but in case he has any room on his chest, here’s a list of tattoo possibilities to help further increase the idiot factor:
- His entire page from Basketball-Reference.
- A half-finished Mad Libs story.
- The names of all the booty he’s heroicly crushed, kind of like DMX in “What These Bitches Want.”
- A list of things in his friend’s apartment.
- A blank Etch a Sketch.
- Fake chest hair, in what would be a touching nod to the fake tuxedo shirt.
- New Jersey.
100 Responses to “Confirmed: Udonis Haslem Cannot Believe the State of Florida”
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May 3rd, 2009 at 6:38 PM
i just recently got my county tattoed on my back..not the name but what it looks like on a map. so i see nothing wrong with this.
May 3rd, 2009 at 6:45 PM
Does it say “This Is Our Country” above it?
May 3rd, 2009 at 6:46 PM
LOL
May 3rd, 2009 at 6:48 PM
It would take some crazy sex and alot of liquor to convince me to get a tattoo.
May 3rd, 2009 at 6:55 PM
i got 4 tattoos and will get at least 9 more(niece,nephews,brother and sisters mom and dad names) and if i have any kids of my own their names as well. i dot care how long i am married to a woman i will never get a females name tattoed on me. ever. worst misatake a man can do is tattoo some bitches name on him
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:03 PM
Your post confuses me, especially your apparently variable definition of “some bitches.”
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:06 PM
Que?
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:07 PM
ok i will break it down for you tele-tubby level.
i have 4 tattos.
i will get 9 more at least(my relatives names)
never get a bitches name tattooed on you..ever..something can always go wrong and usually after you get the tattoo it does. i have seen that happen waaaay too many times.
are you still confused?
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:15 PM
no, disappointed!
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:16 PM
wait, embarrassed on your behalf says it better
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:16 PM
are you still confused?
no, i’m wishing Super Andy was here, your post was so lame.
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:19 PM
sorry i dont live up to your standards dirt..
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:24 PM
i don’t have a tattoo, but want one for some reason.
i was thinking about getting hello kitty tattooed on my chest so everyday when i wake up and take a shower, i’ll see hello kitty and laugh because of how stupid it was to get that as a tattoo.
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:26 PM
i only have one cool tattoo(in my mind anyway). on my right bicep i have my dog tags. the rest of them i could have gone without
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:27 PM
if the dump in Philly where I went drunk/stoned/etc. would have taken credit cards, I would currently have Fat Albert doing the Notre Dame Leprechaun pose on my arm.
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:27 PM
@spencer: I was thinking about a likeness of Sal Fasano on one of my shoulders, for similar morning inspiration.
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:28 PM
that would be a pretty cool tat. and funny.
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:28 PM
wow…those two put mine to shame.
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:31 PM
i think if hello kitty had a caption bubble where she was saying “huge mistake” then you could win. Otherwise, you just really, really want to wear panties.
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:33 PM
im a blank canvas…i could have hello kitty holding an AK mowing down viet cong if i really wanted to.
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:38 PM
i figured you would get mickleson’s head sporting a big aww shucks grin starting at your collarbone and ending at your belly button.
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:39 PM
that is so awesome
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:41 PM
You’re saying you will not have “some bitches” tattooed on you, which I read as a synonym for “i will never get a females name tattoed on me. ever.” But you also say that you intend to have the names of several females (“niece,nephews,brother and sisters mom and dad names) and if i have any kids of my own their names as well.”) tattooed upon your earthen vessel.
I am simply suggesting your position may be more nuanced than you realize, and that, in using the term “bitches,” you reveal an inner conflict between your love for many women in your life and your desire to act out some strange fantasy of “manhood.”
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:45 PM
na…i’ll display my love for phil by getting “KPMG consulting” tattooed on my forehead.
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:45 PM
well i would say if you had a tattoo of some females name on your body and you broke up, shes now a bitch.
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:47 PM
psych major? no it reveals that i think that the women i am related to arent bitches and worthy of me putting a pointless markng on my body. and since as of right now since i am not in a serious relationship women(excluding the women i am related to)are bitches. sure to change when i am in a relation ship and we are in the lovey dovey stage. ok?
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:49 PM
the best part of that is the “as of right now” part. There had been this girl in Canada, the Niagara Falls region…
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:49 PM
way to keep the tat inconspicuous spence
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:52 PM
Wyatt and Gary always meet ho’s in Niagra Falls.
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:52 PM
i bet you are just swimming in pussy huh? you cocksmen.
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:53 PM
where the bitches at
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:54 PM
i still laugh everytime i see the meatloaf scene
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:55 PM
at least im not lieing and saying im waking up with multiple bitches in my bed every morning. i am not currently in relationship right now. whats wrong with that?
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:55 PM
wheremybitches?
Also, that’s America’s wang.
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:55 PM
dude, i’m married with a 6 month old baby. I haven’t seen a vagina in weeks upon weeks. I’ve seen a boob pulled out about a thousand times recently, but given to a little tiny dude to eat from.
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:56 PM
i didn’t reference Weird Science, but that’s where i stole the line from. So what, now i’m the lick? I’m the wad?
/exit 57
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:57 PM
Changed my mind: screw Fasano, tattoo of Andy Rooney would be tremendous.
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:58 PM
im totally gonna vomit on my future kids while changing their diapers
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:01 PM
im gonna need to hire a poopsmith to take care of that for me…i don’t have the balls for that kind of heat.
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:01 PM
if i can change my nephews and niece’s diapers without throwing up im sure you can to devildog
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:03 PM
you’ll rise to the occasion. I’ve been peed on, pooped on, puked on (in the eye, nose, ear, mouth, all separate occasions), I never get laid, my wife is super tired all the time, on and on.
And you know what, I rush to change the poopy ones to make sure i get him clean, because there’s just no way to describe to a lady how to properly clean a ballsack.
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:04 PM
I just ordered a mac and cheese bowl for Dominos. You can all kiss my pasta laden ass.
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:04 PM
changed my little sister’s and my cousin’s…. just gotta remember, someone washed your ass once upon a time
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:06 PM
i would rather eat a diaper full of toddler loaf than eat one of those things.
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:07 PM
@Mole: Amazing.just eat the pasta and wear the bowl as a hat to show up Brady.
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:08 PM
this post is exhibit A why i come here
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:10 PM
A pothead not finding that stuff enticing? I’m shocked man, you’re a disappointment to our ilk.
… I actually read several reviews of them first, I couldn’t go into it blind. I just don’t feel like going to the store.
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:11 PM
Also, can I buy some drugs from you. On the down low, of course.
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:11 PM
rewatching season 3 of the wire… in another life i want to come back as a marlow
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:14 PM
i will probably try one soon. i will try any food once. yes even indian food. i have some indian neighbors in my apartment building and the stuff they cook smells like rotten egg mixed with a spoiled vagina.
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:15 PM
pshaw. i request, nay, DEMAND only the finest meats and cheeses for my consumption. that and ive thrown up dominos after a night of boozing far too often to ever eat again.
and yes, cleveland may not have jobs, but there’s good um…produce all over the east side.
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:15 PM
I’ve never eaten Indian good. My first two years of law school I lived in graduate housing on campus, which is where they house most of the international students … man those places are concrete blocks with no ventilation, and it’s non stop Korean and Indian food. I accidentally started a fire and nobody noticed because they were so used to foul smells, that the smell of flaming garbage didn’t phase them.
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:16 PM
indian food fucking rocks.
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:17 PM
Fun story.
Freshman year of college me and two friends decide to do the century club (power hour plus forty, 100 in 100). To get a good base I ate a medium pizza and an order of cheese sticks.
Flash forward to midnightish and I’ve filled the dorm’s bathroom sink with an orange mixture of Dominos, Coors Light, and despair.
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:17 PM
Rotten eggs with a spoiled vaigna? That’s Jeff Van Gundy’s bedroom every morning following a big night out.
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:18 PM
there is some tasty korean food. i had a korean buddy in the army and he took me to korean joint and ordered some food for me becuase their menus were in korean. needless to say it was fucking tasty. sake is the shit also
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:24 PM
highlights from sergio garcia’s win at the players last year are on the golf channel…
he finished that week at like 100th in total putts but still won…it was one of the best ballstriking weeks i’ve ever seen. damn, if he could ever learn how to putt, he’d be the guy who could challenge tiger…
/end golf talk
//congrats sean o’hair for winning the sixth major
///for real now…done
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:28 PM
I was happy to see him take it down too. Hopefully this is the win that takes him to the next level.
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:31 PM
Is this the place where we’re supposed to talk about killing immigrants?
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:33 PM
But of course, there was some magical Sunday morning cheer here today.
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:34 PM
EVERY DAY ALL DAY!
/i saw that. some of things he says i think are mainly for shock value because there really cant be someone that stupid. or can there?
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:49 PM
wrong site.
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:50 PM
this is boring now…
lebron > kobe
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:51 PM
re: Tats – i think the placement is crucial – if not moreso than the actual tat. the spot has to be timeless – so that when you quit working out for a few years and get all doughy … the tat doesn’t look horrible.
or, in the case of cheryl cole, you could use the thing around your thigh as inspiration.
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:53 PM
mj
/sa
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:53 PM
Nuggets > Lakers
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:55 PM
I am going to get a tattoo of a butt…on my butt.
/either beavis or butthead
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:57 PM
anything > my 2009 golf game
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:58 PM
Or you just, ya know, not quit working out and not get doughy. Not a popular strategy in this country, but an effective one, nonetheless.
May 3rd, 2009 at 9:00 PM
the nuggets only look so awesome because they’re playing dallas. They look super athletic, but it’s against Dirk, Jason Kidd and Erick Dampier.
May 3rd, 2009 at 9:00 PM
aids > sars > bird flu > hamAIDS
May 3rd, 2009 at 9:11 PM
Is this the place where we’re supposed to talk about killing immigrants?
wrong site.
How odd you didn’t say that earlier while the “discussion ” raged on. Oh,can’t throttle the page views, never mind.
May 3rd, 2009 at 9:17 PM
My tattoos are on my lower legs, where there’s very little fat or muscle.
Color fading is the thing I’d be more worried about, which is why I only do black.
re: dominos pasta bowl.
Not bad. It’s actually not much food. The amount of pasta is definitely less than a box of velveeta, it’s mostly cheese. The bread bowl is their garlic bread, so that’s actually the best part.
May 3rd, 2009 at 9:21 PM
This is very important. The place in Indy where I got mine about five years ago offers free lifetime touchups and coloring. I’m sure a lot of places do, but it’s important to get a color-heavy tat touched up every few years or so, especially if you spend a lot of time in the sun.
May 3rd, 2009 at 9:34 PM
yeah i dont do any coloring. i just think it looks tacky.
May 3rd, 2009 at 9:38 PM
spence – i had a shitty round this weekend, too. my my count, excluding the par 3s … i had 2 drives i’d be happy with. and on at least 5 holes, i took 2 shots.
hit my 4 iron, 5, 7 and 9 well … putted like garbage (damn rain) … refused to look at the scorecard at any point.
May 3rd, 2009 at 9:56 PM
yea…playing golf sucks.
and the last hole birdie always has you coming back for more…i need rehab.
May 3rd, 2009 at 9:58 PM
slow night
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:00 PM
i have never swung a golf club but i want to do a round one of these days
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:03 PM
take an ice chest full of beer if thats allowed and go have fun
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:03 PM
my best riend plays golf all the time. he thinks it is awesome. i will probably end up getting into it but not until mid 30’s. im too young to play golf.
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:06 PM
then you’ll find out that you can go 10 under on your first ever round and want to kill yourself for not playing 15 years ago
/1 in a billionth
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:06 PM
a great round of golf is better than sex.
yea, i said it.
there is nothing better than the feeling of hitting a pure shot with a forged iron and watching it soar through the air and stick by the pin or watching a wedge spin back to within a yard. god damn i wish there was a range still open.
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:08 PM
Snausages > Milk bones
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:10 PM
martin riggs?
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:11 PM
i bet there is. being on fire in basketball or when you’re playing qb in football and all your passes go exactly where you want them or when you are batting and every time you swing the bat you know the ball is gone. those type of days are so few and far between. but when you have one its the best feeling in the world. i would have to say being on fire in bsketball is the most gratifying. you’re one on one you someone trash talking you and you just light ‘em up. i say that and i prefer and played football. so yeah being on fire in bball is quite amazing.
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:11 PM
Arnold said the same thing about the “pump” you get from weightlifting. While both Spence and Arnold have good points, neither a great golf shot or throwing up three bills for the first time has anything on reverse cowgirl with a super-hot chick.
/Geometry
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:12 PM
Pupperonis > snausages > milkbones
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:15 PM
mrejr…golf is like that all in one. when you have full control of your swing and can work the ball left and right on command, it’s like 3 or 4 of those moments 18 times per day.
and you have a good minute and a half of a walk to talk shit during a four hour round of golf.
that and you can smoke weed during…which rocks.
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:17 PM
lol smoking weed on a golf course. so i guess my ice chest full of beer is not out of the question
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:17 PM
beggin strips…FTW!!!
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:18 PM
bowl’a'hole > beer’a'hole
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:22 PM
goodnight all. i have another 8 months of this 5am shit
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:23 PM
i can count on my hands how many times in my life i have had a day where i was on fire in basketball. everytime you shoot the guy guarding you cant beleve it goes in and the other team is putting 2 guys on you. and yet you still make the shot because the fucking rim looks 10x the original size. and when you are feeling it you know it so you can start trotting down to defense before the ball goes through the hoop.
if you have a day like that everytime you play golf spence i would look into getting your tour card.
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:30 PM
mrejr…oh fuck no. ive had A round like that which would’ve been considered cut-worthy by a tour pro, but that’s what keeps bringing you back. you KNOW you can hit that wedge stiff or pipe that drive 300, but if it were that easy, everyone would be on tour making ridiculous bank.
that said…even tho i suck, i still don’t shut up. im like damon jones when im golfing, i have no game, but that doesn’t mean im not gonna talk shit.
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:35 PM
i think we can agree though getting laid is easy and feels almost as good as aything on earth but when you are feeling i in a sport and totally dominating your opponent you almost know what it feels like to be lebron/kobe or tiger or brady or manning on one of their great days. it feels like you’re a god. that is about the only way to describe it.
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:55 PM
nothing > godzilla biscuits
May 4th, 2009 at 12:40 AM
Spencer- Grantwoods range is open pretty late either 10 or 11. What do you usually shoot/Where do you play?
May 4th, 2009 at 1:23 AM
I like what Lee C. is selling.
The first time a cnn.com poll has ever helped my faith in humanity!
May 4th, 2009 at 3:10 AM
Thoughts like this are the reason the weed is illegal. Thanks, Spence.