#1. Los Angeles Clippers — Blake Griffin, PF, Oklahoma

No surprise here. Blake Griffin trains on the beach and is apparently the most driven basketball player alive. With that said, the guy really deserves immunity from the Clips and the Grizz. Oh well.

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#2. Memphis Grizzlies — Hasheem Thabeet, C, UConn

The dude loves soccer like Hakeem Olajuwon and wears glasses that would make Paris Hilton weep. Approve. However, he calls himself “Hasheem the Dream.” Disapprove. Get an original NBA nickname.

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#3. Oklahoma City Jackrabbits — James Harden, G, Arizona State

Looks like he’s 90 and exudes concerning fear. I’m horrified.

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#4. Sacramento Kings — Tyreke Evans, PG, Memphis

Apparently gives the world’s most amazing piggybacks. Jay Bilas gushes about his length. Insert funnel here and move on.

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# 5. Minnesota Timberwolves — Ricky Rubio, PG, España

The guy’s name sounds as if he should be wearing a blinking headband at all times, and he looks like Teen Wolf. Now he’ll be living in Minnesota. Sounds like A Night At the Roxbury gone really, really bad.

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# 6. Minnesota Timberwolves — Johnny Flynn, PG, Syracuse

Absolutely LOVED the 20 seconds of silence from ESPN’s panel of experts. No one knows what to say. Well done, dipshits.

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# 7. Golden State Warriors — STEPHEN CURRY!!!!

BEDLAM IN MANHATTAN! MUSTACHES FLYING EVERYWHERE!! NELLIE TELLS NEW YORK TO EAT IT!!

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# 8. New York Knicks — Jordan Hill, F, Arizona

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! They could’ve announced Michael Jordan’s next three sperm samples and Steve Kerr’s hair stylist and Knick fans still would’ve stormed the stage in anger. To Hill’s credit, he sounds like he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about any of this.

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# 9. Toronto Raptors –  DeMar DeRozan, F, USC

After listening to Jay Bilas, this pick was amazing and will likely pay off huge in 2018.

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#10. Milwaukee Bucks — Brandon Jennings, PG, N.W.A.

This guy is going to love Milwaukee. And who wouldn’t? Jay Bilas raving about his long arms. That sounds a little off-color if you ask me. Anyway, in honor of this pick, go hump your fridge.

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#11. New Jersey Nets — Terrence Williams, F, Louisville

First senior taken! Let’s hear it for the passionate union of intense academics and the NBA! Actually, I really like this pick. Williams seems old school and will Anthony Mason or Charles Oakley someone’s ass before it’s all said and done.

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#12. Charlotte Bobcats — Gerald Henderson, G, Duke

With Zima flowing like a furious Andre the Giant piss, a wild orgy of khakis and hush puppies have taken hold of Flair Country.

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#13. Indiana Pacers — Tyler Hansbrough, F, UNC

Tyler has great work ethic. Also, his eyes are big which means he competes. Jeff Van Gundy’s speech about staying in school is pretty convincing, especially considering Hansbrough is easily the next Tim Duncan.

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#14. Phoenix Suns — Earl Clark, G-F, Louisville

Best pick of the night. David Stern: “Earl is not here.”

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#15. Detroit Pistons — Austin Daye, F, Gonzaga

Jay Bilas sounds like he’s seen as much film of Austin Daye as I have. Just pass the baton buddy, it’s ok. His father was apparently drafted by the Bullets. Never heard of him. Bad sign. Out of the league in less than four years.

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#16. Chicago Bulls — James Johnson, , Wake Forest

James Johnson is not here! James is a martial arts champion and guess what, he has long arms! My god, Bilas, does anyone have short arms?

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#17. Philadelphia 76ers — Jrue Holiday, PG, UCLA

David Stern says the “Philadelphier” 76ers select Jrue Holiday. Mark Jackson wanted Philly to take a “point god” and he got it. Coming from one of the most annoying announcers in Finals history, I just want him to stop talking.

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#18. Minnesota Timberwolves –Ty Lawson, PG, UNC

Cricket. Cricket. Stu Scott a little better this time with the awkward pause. And Jay Bilas finally departs from the long arms theme and proclaims that Ty Lawson is indeed, a bullet.

UPDATE: According to Pumpkin Bucher, Lawson will be dealt to the Denver Nuggets.

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#19. Atlanta Hawks, Jeff Teague, PG, Wake Forest

“Ok, they picked Jeff Teague… from… Wake Forest”. This is definitely the most universal “who farted?” reaction from the panel so far. But when you look to your right, he certainly seems like he cares. I still prefer George Teague.

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PICKS 20 AND ON WILL BE IN A NEW POST!