This is Sthefany Brito a Brazilian actress, and the wife of young A.C. Milan stud Alexandre Pato.  It’s good to be a Brazilian soccer player.

Bulging the Auld Onion Bag: Previously impotent, Manchester United displayed the stamina of a curious 13-year-old, scoring five goals in the final 35 minutes to dispatch Wigan Athletic. Lil Mikey Owen scored his first goal in a United shirt and Wayne Rooney his 100th.  Arsenal set the pundits atwitter with a 4-1 win over Pompey, though Andrei Arshavin is not satiated.  Tottenham continued their delusion of Bill Simmons, going top of the table on goal difference after a 2-1 derby win at West Ham.

Training Brawl: The referee called off a friendly between Qatari side Al-Ahli and Chelsea’s reserve team devolved into a violent free-for-all.  Chelsea players received “karate kicks, knee-high tackles, and had their hair pulled out and eyes gouged.”  The incident began when an Al-Ahli player tackled Chelsea left-back Ben Gordon above the knee with two feet.  Chelsea removed video footage from the match and all references from the website.  First-team players weren’t involved.  I’m sure John Terry found this as hilarious as 9/11.

Replacing Kaka: The next big thing from Brazil, Alexandre Pato, scored two goals for A.C. Milan with a couple near misses and a third being ruled offside in their 2-1 win at Siena.  Charged with being the primary trequarista, in the Milan attack, Ronaldinho looked frisky.  Elsewhere in Serie A, Juventus beat Chievo 1-0 and, despite Samuel Eto’o’s penalty, Inter Milan shocking were held 1-1 at home by Bari.

Stabbing: West Ham defender Calum Davenport is in serious but stable condition after being stabbed by his sister’s boyfriend.  Said boyfriend attacked Davenport and his mother, stabbing him repeatedly in the legs with a kitchen knife.  His mother is recovering as well.  No estimates on the extent of his injury or how his career will be affected at this point.

All About the Elizabeths: Everton manager David Moyes puffed his chest and put on his big boy pants, but could not stop Joleon Lescott from doubling his salary with Manchester City in a $36 million transfer.  Those who saw Arsenal rick-roll him in the first week, might feel he’s a little over valued.  It seems no one told Mark Hughes he could buy better players outside England for half as much money.

Under Pressure: These are the days it never rains but it pours for new Bayern Munich manager Louis Van Gaal.  Mainz beat Bayern 2-1 with goals from Bance and Ivanschitz.  Bayern sit 14th in the Bundesliga table with just two points, their worst Bundesliga start in 43 years.  Bayer Leverkusen, Hamburg and Schalke sit joint top on seven points.  Former Arsenal goalkeeper Jens Lehmann, in an incident surprising no one, is facing some trouble after trading elbows with Borussia Dortmund defender Neven Subotic, a coveted future European star who the luminaries at U.S. Soccer found unsuitable.

Goal of the Weekend: Abou Diaby (Arsenal) vs. Portsmouth – A competent finish, but Eduardo makes a sick move to create the chance.