Cards 4, Brewers 3: It’s only a few weeks from October which means Trevor Hoffman has been given the official green light to suck. Down a run in the top of the ninth, Matt Holliday took him to deep center, putting St. Louis ahead for good and causing Scott Boras to walk around with an awkward boner for three hours. At this rate, it would not be the least bit surprising if Boras started the Holliday contract demands at $20 million per year. He’ll end up at $17.5 million and everyone will walk away happy, except for the team who signed him for six years.

Rangers 11, Indians 9; Rangers 10, Indians 5: Thanks to a combined 12 runs over 8 1/3 innings from the Cleveland starters, Texas gained half a game on Boston in the wildcard race. It’s down to two games and this is really all we have left in the AL, although the Rangers do play the Angels six more times, so technically they have an outside shot at the division.

Cubs 9, Pirates 4: Inspired by losing mastery, Zach Duke cruised to an awful loss, giving up 12 hits and eight runs over four horrendous innings.

Red Sox 10, O’s 0: The Sox had a season-high six home runs including two from little Dustin Pedroia. Big Papi, who’s career is falling apart with a batting average of .225, homered as well, tying Frank Thomas for the most all-time by a DH. To honor this man, please spit a merciful loogie into your hands and clap.

Royals 7, Tigers 5: I’d love to say that having no closer for three games thanks to the Rodney suspension messes with their division hopes, but who are we kidding, they have a 6 1/2 game lead. It’s over.

Phils 5, Nats 3: Brad Lidge’s attempt at a save was quite humorous. Single, hit batsman, wild pitch, walk. Brutal. To be fair, he did manage to record one out in there. But Charlie Manuel lifted him after the walk in favor of Ryan Madson, who promptly stopped the bleeding. At this point, Mike Gminski has a better chance of closing in October for the Phillies.

Padres 4, Giants 3: Yahoo Sports continued their tradition of hazing rookies as they staunchly refused to post Madison Bumgarner’s stats. If you must know, the 20-year-old gave up two runs over 5 1/3 innings, with both runs via the long ball. Not bad considering Lincecum was scratched with back spasms just 3 1/2 hours before the game.

Rockies 3, Reds 1: Colorado is streaking again. This one is at five games. Time for a nipple tweak.

Yamks 3, Rays 2: Chad Gaudin held Tampa to one run over six innings. Any fan who claims they thought Gaudin would bring anything beyond beard trimmings to the Yanks is obviously lying. Derek Jeter was hitless again and did not speak to reporters after the game. The frenzy that will come from that alone will be ridiculous. Throw in Michael Kay’s extra special tongue bath during each Jeter at-bat, and it’s clear this needs to be over for everyone’s sanity.

If you’ve already seen this video, may I suggest pouring a Rattlesnake Shake down your pants.