Sex scandals, absurd and sordid, are ubiquitous in soccer.  Stories such as “FC Thun players arrested on suspicion of having sex with a 15-year-old girl. Twelve of them” are mere raindrops in a puddle.  Our Ultimate Wag XI was kind of a big deal, so we thought we’d try to recreate the magic.  After the jump is the Soccer Sex Scandal XI, by position, complete with a manager and chairman.  The one criterion was that participants still needed to be active.  Enjoy.

Chairman: Martin Edwards (former Man U) The former Man U boss had numerous affairs.  He frequented prostitutes while on business in multiple countries.  Most notably, he had a renowned fetish for peeping on women while they peed.  A woman finally reported him in 2002.

Manager: Paul Jewell (unemployed) While still Wigan manager, the portly father of two produced, directed and starred in an hour long sex-tape with a woman who was not his wife.  There was lingerie, spanking, light bondage and multiple locations, including the trunk of his Mercedes.  Picture an Andy Reid sex tape coming out in this country, but with less coughing.

GK: Ben Alnwick (Tottenham) Playing for Sunderland at the time, the former England U-21 keeper taped some rowdy group sex with three of his teammates and one lucky woman.  Alnwick and another player went at it with the girl.  Another one, wearing only a sweater, treated his body like an amusement park.  The fourth videotaped the proceedings and provided commentary.  Roy Keane transfered them all immediately.

cheryl-coleD: Ashley Cole (Chelsea) Cashley makes the team for doing the impossible, cheating on Cheryl.  He met 22-year-old Aimee Walton in a London night club.  He vomited in her car on the way back to his apartment, started going at it with her,  paused to vomit again on the cream carpet, gargled some mouthwash, and returned to finish the job.  The poise of a professional athlete.

D: Tomas Ujfalusi (Atletico Madrid) The former Czech captain was booted from the national team, with six other senior players for cavorting with prostitutes after their 2-1 loss to Slovakia.  Ujfalusi also takes creepy naked photos with his wife, a former Miss Czech Republic, that would make the Beckhams blush.

D: Rio Ferdinand (Manchester United) It’s hard to believe Rio could do something more embarrassing than his World Cup Windups in 2006, but he did.  He and a few England players not going to Euro 2000, including Totally Frank Lampard and Kieron Dyer took a trip to Cyprus.  The three all ended up with women on the same sex tape.  Though, the players claim it was three separate incidents, not a massive orgy.

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D: Micah Richards (Manchester City) The City defender and a friend took an 87-second cell phone video of themselves Eiffel Towering a girl in a handicapped bathroom.  They then sent it to all their friends, because that’s apparently what you do when you videotape your threesome.

ashleyyoungonlinejpgM: Ashley Young (Aston Villa) Young Ashley frequented the flirty webcam chat site “Webcamo” under the handle “Lewis.”  Lewis would chat up unsuspecting lasses and then whip it out in front of the camera and begin pleasuring himself.  Foolishly, Lewis told one girl his real location twice, Moscow and Middlesbrough, allowing her to discover his identity.  When she told the tabloids they posed a reporter on the site, who got him to do it on camera as they video taped the whole thing.

M: Ever Banega (Valencia) The Argentine made perhaps the worst webcam sex tape in history.  Entitled “Banega, always big,” it’s about five and a half minutes of sheer boredom with him talking on a webcam, with a brief couple second apex of cock.

M: Naoya Kikuchi (Oita Trinita) The Japanese midfielder was suspended by the J-league for a year after police arrested him for having sex with a 15-year-old girl.  Police found him after the girl reported the case, because he left his wallet in the basket of her bicycle.  No joke needed.

M: Cristiano Ronaldo (Real Madrid) This noted ass sorcerer has too many escapades to count.  One of the more notable was skipping Man U’s Christmas party in 2007, jetting off to Rome with a friend, getting two hookers, then switching mid-session.  He also hosted a five-hooker orgy with teammates at his Manchester home.  C-Ron was briefly believed to have hooked up with a tranny last summer, but it turned out to be Paris Hilton.

F: Wayne Rooney (Manchester United) Rooney is purportedly a tame married man now, but he was a brothel frequenter back in the day as an 18-year-old star in Liverpool.  His most famous paid conquest was a 48-year-old grandmother called the “Auld Slapper” who wore a catsuit while they did their business.

F: Ronaldo (Corinthians) The Brazilian legend returned to his hotel in Rio De Janeiro with three transvestites.  Only two accepted his cash offer to stay quiet.  The other tried to extort about $30,000 from him.