The league, which makes the idea of the XFL seem as if it were hatched by Harvard scholars, wants 12 cities, but that will never happen. (The league, hopefully, will never happen.) But for fun, we had a “draft.” Four teams, seven players apiece.

The Big Lead

Coach: To ensure the team shoots free throws well – Drew, Brent, and Jon Barry. They were a package deal.

G – Kyle McAlarney, NBDL (via Notre Dame). The Monta Ellis of this team.
G - Jon Scheyer, Duke. Was taken first overall, of course.
F – Kevin Pittsnogle, NBDL (via West Virginia)
F – Josh McRoberts, Indiana Pacers (via Duke). Only making $825k in the NBA. He’d walk away in a heartbeat for the PT.
C – Aaron Gray, Chicago Bulls (via Pittsburgh)

Bench: Jeff Boschee, Unknown (via Kansas). Mr. Basketball North Dakota 1998. A steal in the 6th round of this draft.
Bench: Shavlik Randolph, Unknown (via Duke). Just don’t bring your gayness on him, OK?

***

Cousins of Ron Mexico

Player/Coach: Stephen Douglas – If I had a team, I’d have to play.

G - Jimmer Fredette – BYU – Upstate New York represent! My brother tells me he’s going to lead the nation in scoring next year. Sounds about right.
G - Coby Karl – Boise State / D-League – Coach’s kids are always good to have.
F – Rob Kurz – Notre Dame / D-League – Found him on the D-League website.
F – Cole Aldrich – Kansas – He’s a projected first-rounder. Should clean up in the shitty white league.
C – Craig Forth – Syracuse – Saw him at Verizon a couple months ago. He’s still tall.

Bench: Steve Dagostino – The College of Saint Rose / Euroball – Had to take someone from my school.
Bench: John Bryant – Santa Clara / D-League – Found him on the D-League website.

***

Ty Duffy

Coach: Drafted all gingers.  No one more appropriate than Big Red himself, Bill Walton.

C – Matt Bonner – San Antonio Spurs
F - Brian Scalabrine – Boston Celtics
F – Chase Budinger – Houston Rockets
G - Mike Miller – Washington Wizards
G – Luke Walton – Los Angeles Lakers

Bench: Robert Swift – Currently Unemployed
Bench: Tim Pollitz – Miami Ohio (Graduate)

Drafting Philosophy: No need for speed or agility.  Went for size and follicles that could frighten a small child.

***

Sports Hernia

Coach: Danny Schayes & his clear Oakley Blades

C - Luke Harangody – Notre Dame, such a jokester
F – James Gallagher – UNC, nice Irish kid
F – Ryan Kelly – Duke, good Irish kid (the enthused one at right)
G - Chris Quinn – 0.8 ppg w/ Nets, total gangster
G - Eric Devendorf – Currently being unapologetic somewhere

Bench: Travis Knight – Currently smoking something
Bench: Jack Haley’s towel – Currently waving something

Drafting Philosophy: It was absolutely essential to have a Cabbage Patch Kid from the Fighting Irish, a few disgraces who are actually Irish, and a dick.