Tiger Woods’ divorce is close to finished and will reportedly net Elin Nordegren $750,000,000. That’s seven-hundred-fifty-million dollars. Three quarters of a billion dollars. If true, that is absolutely preposterous. I can’t imagine how mad Tiger is right now. I also can’t imagine how he allowed such a ridiculous settlement. How does this happen?

Tiger estimated worth is $900,000,000. So of the billion dollars he’s earned in his life, Elin gets three quarters of it because she was cheated on and embarrassed. Tiger should have had her arrested when she hit him with that golf club. Is there any hope she can have robbery charges pressed against her?

The rest of the settlement says that Tiger won’t be able to introduce the kids to any of his lady friends “unless he is married to said person.” Elin also won’t be allowed to write a book. I wonder how she’ll manage without that two million dollar book deal.

This woman is no longer a sympathetic figure. This is a travesty. And yeah, she gets the new $80 million Florida mansion. That would have been more than enough. At least then she’d have a big house to clean and raise the kids in. Since, you know, that’s her only skill in life see as how she was a freaking nanny. Seven-hundred-fifty million dollars and a mansion. Good grief.

[Radar Online, Sun-Times, Tiger pics via Getty]
Update: Tiger Woods’ divorce is not nearly as ridiculous as it originally looked. According to TMZ, Elin will get a measly $100 million in the divorce. Its still way more than she’s worth, but Tiger couldn’t keep it in his pants, so what are you going to do?