Those who believe MLB’s Home Run Derby is the mysterious force behind a poor second half will have plenty to root for tonight, as four of the eight participants (Miggy, Swisher, Papi and Holliday) are key players among AL and NL teams vying for playoff spots. But does the derby really translate to a forgettable stretch run? Yankee blog Pinstripe Alley took a look at some numbers and for the most part, it’s just a lot of chatter, but one unlucky soul may soon be cannon-balling off a cliff at warp speed. Let’s hope if it happens to anyone, it’ll be eye-droppy Papi.

Your other contestants? Hanley Ramirez, Corey Hart, Vernon Wells and … Chris Young. Chris Young! As one can quickly infer from this roster, the derby is becoming progressively weaker and less fun each year, not unlike the NBA’s slam dunk contest.

Next season, expect MLB’s wacky brain trust to completely revamp the event and instead have Brett Gardner and David Eckstein fired out of pitching machines in lieu of traditional juiced baseballs. Possibly little Jason Tyner too, if he isn’t that busy.

Tonight’s event will of course be guided by a disturbingly sweaty, wing sauce-fueled Chris Berman. You know what that entails. His catch phrases have been branded to your chest like one of Terry Funk’s many victims, so instead of reiterating what you already know, I present you with the Chris Berman “Dryer Sheet” Combover Attack:

For those who plan on watching the event in 3D – and we know there will be many – said broadcast will be carefully steered sans Berman. Dan Shulman, Nomar Garciaparra and Aaron Boone have the call for that special offering.