David Ortiz won the B-league version of the home run derby last night, outlasting Hanley Ramirez 11-5 in the final after Corey Hart put on a one-and-done show in the first round. Papi hit 32 homers at an average of 417 feet and in a nice moment, dedicated the victory to close friend Jose Lima, who passed away in May. But let’s be honest, this one felt a little flat. And the A-Cup was no more apparent than when Chris Young and Vernon Wells kicked things off, combining for three home runs, four ball-grabs and two lingering farts. Not exactly MLB’s best showing.

Were guys like Adam Dunn really that busy last night? I’m guessing him and the dude from the Big League Chew pack were out busting up a bar, but that could’ve easily been done afterward. Major League Baseball would be wise to figure out a way to lure the cartoon characters like him, Pujols and Howard back to the competition and force the home run leaders from the AL and NL to participate in this event.

And if they can’t do that, they need to revamp the whole enchilada and spice it up by inviting retired clowns like Jose Canseco, John Kruk, Pete Incaviglia, Darryl Strawberry and everyone who appeared in that infamous Simpsons episode. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t be glued to the TV if those guys came marching onto the field.