Sepp Blatter is running for reelection as FIFA’s president. He sent an open letter to fans spelling out his simple, direct case for his candidacy. He believes failure to reelect him will create a “tectonic movement” that will cause FIFA to “be sucked into a black hole.” Said chasm will precipitate “irreversible damage” destroying the organization and, possibly, soccer itself. Apparently, Blatter hires his PR flacks in North Korea.

From Blatter’s letter:

What is this really about? In the case of Fifa’s presidential elections we are not really talking about candidate A versus candidate B, but about whether in future there will be candidates at all. The election of 1 June could cause a tectonic movement with irreversible damage. What is at stake is nothing less than the survival of Fifa. The issue of whether this world footballing organisation, developed with success over the years, will continue to exist after this date or, whether it will instead be sucked into a black hole.

Not sure about this whole “irreversible damage” concept. Fear not. Uncle Sepp understands your skepticism. Here is his justification.

“Is the situation really that dramatic?” you ask. The answer is yes, in theory it is. I am confident I will be able to win the elections with a clear majority of two-thirds of the votes. South America, North America, Europe, Oceania and a considerable part of Africa and Asia will continue to support my ideas. However it is still worth considering what the alternative would be: no one.”

Well, it’s hard to argue with that, because it’s not even an argument. He justifies his own apocalypse theory, with the existence of his apocalypse theory. This will happen because Sepp says so, but Sepp isn’t really saying so, because it’s only a theory? Following? You shouldn’t be.

Consider the magnitude of his self-importance. He believes he’s the one bastion holding this whole sport together. He’s arguing that his presence alone is the only thing keeping FIFA from complete self-immolation. No one mention that if FIFA really is on the brink of collapse, Blatter steered it there. He has been president since 1998. He has held a high-office since 1975.

This letter was a flaming piece of nonsense. The only things more damning to FIFA:  (1) The letter made it out of the building as constituted. (2) The letter will be irrelevant, because even those federations rogered by the systematic corruption stemming from his regime will vote for him, because the guy running against him is from Qatar, the nation that most exploited the corruption.

[Photo via Getty]