With all the real problems in our country solved, the United States government is again sticking it’s collective nose into the sport of baseball. This time, they’re trying to save the children by urging Major League Baseball to ban chewing tobacco during baseball games. From the AP:

“When players use smokeless tobacco, they endanger not only their own health, but also the health of millions of children who follow their example,” the senators wrote to union head Michael Weiner. The letter was signed by Dick Durbin of Illinois, the No. 2 Democrat in the Senate, and fellow Democrats Frank Lautenberg of New Jersey, Richard Blumenthal of Connecticut and Senate Health Committee Chairman Tom Harkin of Iowa.

The senators noted that millions of people will tune in to watch the World Series, including children.

Maybe someone should point out that baseball games start late enough on school nights that kids rarely see much spitting. Also, baseball’s ratings are awful so there are statistically only about two or three dozen impressionable children watching at any given time.

“Unfortunately, as these young fans root for their favorite team and players, they also will watch their on-field heroes use smokeless tobacco products,” they wrote. Smokeless tobacco includes chewing tobacco and dip.

Come on. What ever happened to separation of chaw and state? I imagine the thought process that led to this letter went a little something like this*:

“Well, I guess we better get back to senate-ing.”

“This sucks. Is it 5 o’clock yet?”

“I don’t want to Senate anything today!”

“What can we do that isn’t really Senate-ing?”

“How about something sports-related!”

“Good idea. How about the NBA Lockout. That’s still going on.”

“That sport with the urban-types and the hip-hop music? No thanks.”

“Let’s do something about baseball. The World Series starts tomorrow.”

“Great idea! As a wealthy, older, white male, baseball still interests me.”

“Me too, but what’s wrong with baseball?”

“Everything!”

*unanimous bipartisan laughter*

“The intern I’m sleeping with thinks its gross when players spit.”

“Great. Chewing tobacco. Let’s… condone?”

“Ban!”

“Ooh! Yes. Let’s get chewing tobacco banned.”

“I’ll order pizzas!”

“God, I love being a Senator!

/fin

[Associated Press, Getty]

*All Senators in this post – even those based on real people – are entirely fictional.