2012 NFL Free Agency: AFC West
NFL February 16th. 2012, 3:11pmLast week, we started with a look at the NFC East, and will continue a look at what teams might be looking to address in free agency as they move toward the draft with the ever-awesome AFC West. If you’re into the draft, here’s Mock 5.0.
DENVER BRONCOS
Team Needs: Quarterback, Safety, Running Back, Cornerback, Tight End
Key Free Agents: DT Broderick Bunkley, S Brian Dawkins, DT Marcus Thomas, LB Wesley Woodyard, K Matt Prater
Yes, I’m listing quarterback as a need. First, you look at the numbers from a distance, and you would conclude that, despite winning a division and qualifying for the postseason, this team needs a major upgrade in the passing game. Even with the team committing to Tebow, they need other quarterbacks. Orton was released, Brady Quinn is an unrestricted free agent, and the team will need to bring other quarterbacks in this offseason. And then everyone will freak out when they do.
The Eric Decker injury also raises wide receiver as a potential spot to add depth (Eddie Royal is a free agent as well) and though Demaryius Thomas emerged, they could add there. Tight End would be an even bigger need, though there is likely not a major pass catcher available.
Meanwhile, on defense, the Broncos are going to sign the two tackles that are free agents, Bunkley and Thomas. The secondary needs youth, and Brian Dawkins may retire (or go elsewhere). Bailey and Goodman are both 33 at cornerback. If I’m projecting this team early, I’m thinking secondary is the biggest area to infuse younger players.
OAKLAND RAIDERS
Team Needs: Defensive line (pass rushers), Cornerback, right side of Offensive Line
Key Free Agents: S Tyvon Branch, RB Michael Bush, QB Jason Campbell, OG/C Samson Satele, RT Khalif Barnes
Oakland doesn’t have many draft picks thanks to various trades, so they are going to need to be active in free agency. They ranked dead last in terms of yards per carry on defense, so much of the focus will be in shoring up areas on that side of the ball.
The release of Stanford Routt opens up a spot at cornerback, and the team must figure out what to do with Tyvon Branch. This team lacks a true #1 receiver right now, but I don’t think that they have the luxury of addressing it, and must hope that Denarius Moore and Jacoby Ford stay healthy and make a big leap in years two and three, respectively, delegating Heyward-Bey to a lesser role.
Meanwhile, other teams in need of a running back will be salivating to sign Michael Bush, but with Darren McFadden’s injury history, Oakland may do everything they can to keep him.
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
Team Needs: Pass rushers, Offensive Line, depth at RB and WR, Norv Turner replacement
Key Free Agents: WR Vincent Jackson, RB Mike Tolbert, C Nick Hardwick, OT Jared Gaither, NT Antonio Garay, S Steve Gregory
Does it seem like Vincent Jackson has been in contract squabbles with the Chargers for like five years? Well, they probably aren’t going to franchise him again, as the amount shoots up, so they have to decide if they want to pay him. His absence would open a need to at least bring someone in to challenge for a starting spot.
The biggest need, though, is to get more consistent pass rush (Antwan Barnes had 11 sacks, no one else over 4), and to address the offensive line issues that were so noticeable by season’s end. The team is expected to cut Marcus McNeill, who missed 7 games. Jared Gaither is a free agent, and came in to start at season’s end after being released by KC. Nick Hardwick is 30 years old. The team has some key questions to address at offensive line and I expect them to look there in free agency as well as the middle of the draft, if not earlier.
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
Team Needs: Quarterback, Defensive Line, Offensive Tackle, Tight End/Wide Receiver, Center
Key Free Agents: CB Brandon Carr, WR Dwayne Bowe, QB Kyle Orton, NT Kelly Gregg, C Casey Wiegmann, RT Barry Richardson
Both the offense and defense had key injuries early in 2011, but while the defense still played reasonably well despite some obvious flaws, the offense was horrific. The quarterback position needs to be addressed, whether it is sign Kyle Orton, retain Matt Cassel, or pursue someone else.
The right tackle position is a hole, and Richardson will be gone. Branden Albert is a solid left tackle, though he could flourish on the right side if the team had a different option–probably not going to happen this year, though, and the best bet is to find a Richardson replacement. Casey Wiegmann is likely to retire, and that would leave Jon Asamoah, Rodney Hudson, and Ryan Lilja to compete at the inside offensive line positions. The team could look to a veteran center elsewhere and have Hudson compete for a job at guard.
Dwayne Bowe is one of a deep class of wide receiver free agents, and the Chiefs will either need to sign him, or replace him with another option. Jon Baldwin will enter his second year, but I don’t think they can go into the season with Baldwin as option #1. Brandon Carr is getting positive reviews as he enters free agency, and the Chiefs may be out of the market if the price gets too high. They’ve been talking to Stanford Routt this week and could go a different route.
Meanwhile, assuming Eric Berry comes back healthy, the main glaring need on defense is interior defensive line. Kelly Gregg is old and was on a one year deal, while Tyson Jackson is imminently replaceable.
[photos via Getty and U.S. Presswire]

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196 Responses to “2012 NFL Free Agency: AFC West”
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February 16th, 2012 at 3:21 PM
yeesh.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:22 PM
DENVER BRONCOS
Team Needs: Quarterback
But… but… TEBOW!
February 16th, 2012 at 3:23 PM
but Tebow has gone back to school!
February 16th, 2012 at 3:24 PM
why are you such a hater? you don’t need to throw the ball in the modern nfl if you are a nice guy like tim tebow! he’s a good story!
/sarcastic tag
February 16th, 2012 at 3:25 PM
What do you think they should do Lisk? I think he’s been a bright spot considering how piss poor their offense was this year. Would be a mistake to let him go (I think he is a top 10 wideout).
Their defense was surprisingly good considering all of the injuries that hit them this year.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:26 PM
and the Raiders are fucked…
February 16th, 2012 at 3:27 PM
The Raiders can build through the draft!
/Bengals fan
February 16th, 2012 at 3:27 PM
I keep, put in colorful table.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:28 PM
Bowe is a free agent? Who else is part of the WR FA class?
February 16th, 2012 at 3:28 PM
Also, I’d be pretty surprised if the Broncos drafted a TE, given that Fells played (relatively) well and they spent two picks on the position last year.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:28 PM
and the Raiders are fucked…
they’ll make a deal with the devil (al davis) and pull 9 wins out of there ass and make the playoffs.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:29 PM
*their
February 16th, 2012 at 3:29 PM
id kill for dwayne bowe on the browns.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:30 PM
id kill for dwayne bowe on the browns.
he gonna throw the ball to himself?
February 16th, 2012 at 3:30 PM
This list is pretty long, isn’t it?
February 16th, 2012 at 3:31 PM
OK, I did the “Let me help you” Google thing to myself and saw the group. Who are the most coveted guys?
February 16th, 2012 at 3:31 PM
You fucking racist.
/great caption on the Norv picture by the by
February 16th, 2012 at 3:31 PM
Draft RG3, sign Bowe and Raaaandy then prepare for Lions/Browns in the Super Bowl!
February 16th, 2012 at 3:32 PM
Pass rushers, Offensive Line, depth at RB and WR, Norv Turner replacement
I’ll bet ya a dollar no other team preview will call out HC as a need.
The truth hurts.
/smh
February 16th, 2012 at 3:33 PM
Well Lisk is fired.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:33 PM
OT…pretty cool idea.
coincidentally watched a documentary on how the earth was formed…seriously mindblowing stuff. two planets collide and basically form into one and the resulting collision’s debris created the moon and water. the moon’s gravity created the tides and formed land masses that weren’t underwater, and eventually life.
it was really fucking crazy. they showed evidence of debris from that collision being found on mars, mercury, etc…with some of the craters being 600 miles wide! insane shit.
anyways…yea…this asteroid shield might be a good idea. no idea how they’d actually make it tho.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:34 PM
which one? the list of people id kill or the list of people id kill in order to watch play footbaw?
February 16th, 2012 at 3:34 PM
coincidentally watched a documentary on how the earth was formed…
magic, right?
February 16th, 2012 at 3:34 PM
conversely…now colt will have someone to throw the ball to!
February 16th, 2012 at 3:34 PM
That third-string division II cornerback who pulls a 4.18 out of his ass at the combine will still be available in the 3rd round.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:35 PM
The latter list. There’s gotta be at least 100 names of people you’d kill for on the Browns. Maybe 200.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:36 PM
Norv Turner, 2013 Eagles HC
February 16th, 2012 at 3:37 PM
the whole time im thinkin to mahself “hey naw…howtheHYELL can people say this GARBAGE when it’s FACT gawd created the earth like 5,000 years ago?”
also, coincidentally, watched a david cross standup where he makes fun of religion and the four horsemen of the apocalypse. highlight…”you know why they weren’t the four jetpackmen of the apocalypse? because jetpacks hadn’t been invented yet. horsemen? where they at? LA? oh, we’ll just chill here…they won’t be in NY for another…oh…five months. then we’ll just hop in the car and drive away.”
February 16th, 2012 at 3:37 PM
I eat this type of stuff up, man. If I don’t get at least a few hours in a week from NatGeo, Science, Discovery and History, then… well… it’s not a full week. Anyway. Yeah, cool stuff.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:37 PM
anyways…yea…this asteroid shield might be a good idea. no idea how they’d actually make it tho.
Doesn’t matter, just find some oil drillers to TCB.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:38 PM
you know why they weren’t the four jetpackmen of the apocalypse? because jetpacks hadn’t been invented yet. horsemen? where they at? LA? oh, we’ll just chill here…they won’t be in NY for another…oh…five months. then we’ll just hop in the car and drive away.”
lol
February 16th, 2012 at 3:38 PM
way off…there are entire countries on this list. entire religions. entire…
you know what? im just gonna stop there.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:38 PM
/blows brains out
//accepts bids for football fandom if this happens
I would do Khal Drogo level pillaging if the Eagles were to sign Vincent Jackson. Oh, and if they don’t resign Dawkins to let him retire in his proper Eagles green, I will personally leave a bag of fire poo on Andy Reid’s front step.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:38 PM
Norv Turner, 2013 Eagles HC
Ya know kaiser, I’d cheer for a trade right now, straight up. Reid for Norval. Let’s make it happen.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:39 PM
Colston is a free agent. Likely will stay with the Saints.
10 bucks says the Raiders go after Manningham.
/Larry Brown’d
//Desmond Howard’d
February 16th, 2012 at 3:40 PM
Isn’t Phil a big fan of Norval?
February 16th, 2012 at 3:40 PM
Anything else, Uncle Lewis?
February 16th, 2012 at 3:41 PM
in that case: San Diego Chargers 2012 AFC Champions
February 16th, 2012 at 3:41 PM
SROD, y’all got yourselves some Steve Fairchild on staff now. Prepare for a CSU takeover.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:41 PM
TOTALLY…gets your brain working like gangbusters. i was thinking to myself “i wonder what type of variables you’d have to account for in order to launch a nuke at an asteroid.” like, you’d think they’d be able to pinpoint the exact point where they’d meet, right? if an asteroid is hurtling through space and is on a known collision course for earth, they’d have to know how, where, when and what to use to knock it ever so slightly off it’s intended path. even if you diverted that path 500 feet initially, it’d probably be enough to get it to miss, right?
February 16th, 2012 at 3:43 PM
While I’m asking questions, why the hell are all your gravatars different on my work computer and phone? This website, for being highly funded, is technologically defunct in a lot of areas.
I still like most of you though.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:43 PM
And then lose in the Superbowl. Come on, if Reid were in San Diego, they would make the Championship game, but then would lose in the worst possible way with absolute brain farts of time management.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:43 PM
I’ve always thought they would explode the nuke before it made contact so it would deflect it.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:44 PM
It seems to make perfect sense. But we actually don’t know a lot about asteroids.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:45 PM
then how the fuck did they make armageddon? CMON.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:45 PM
Answer: you send Bruce Willis up there to kick that asteroid’s ass
February 16th, 2012 at 3:45 PM
Gerard, you sir are hitting below the belt. “Two minutes in the box!”
I’ve seen a few USAFA-CSU games up close at Falcon Stadium. The Rams have regressed big time since Sonny Lubick was put out to pasture.
Now, you tell me Fairchild is on the Chargers’s staff, bringing his unique brand of mojo?
Make that 5 minutes in the box, sir!
February 16th, 2012 at 3:45 PM
even if you diverted that path 500 feet initially, it’d probably be enough to get it to miss, right?
/consults Bruce Willis
Maybe.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:45 PM
DAMMIT CJ!
February 16th, 2012 at 3:45 PM
Better head down to the Ocean and recruit some drillers to send into space.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:45 PM
I heard we dont even know a fraction of the near earth orbit asteroids. So theoretically we could all fucking die tomorrow
February 16th, 2012 at 3:46 PM
Well, obviously you’ve never seen Armageddon.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:46 PM
/high fives CJ
February 16th, 2012 at 3:46 PM
I heard we dont even know a fraction of the near earth orbit asteroids. So theoretically we could all fucking die tomorrow
/blows savings account on whores and blow
//wakes up saturday
///calls in sick
February 16th, 2012 at 3:46 PM
probably depends on the composition of the asteroid as some are theorized to be loose rock and others are solid iron. you’d need more than one nuke, likely dozens depending on the mass, trajectory and gravity, and the nukes would need to be super long range and fitted with course correction capabilities
February 16th, 2012 at 3:47 PM
yes i have to work on saturday, assholes.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:47 PM
Liv Tyler’s lips cangetit.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:47 PM
The team is expected to cut Marcus McNeill, who missed 7 games.
I guess he’s got something really wrong with him. At least he got paid. Now maybe he gets paid again.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:47 PM
philly, your scenario is a heckuva lot better than what I got now.
I’d take that deal, and after it I’d be right back her bitching and whining that my team didn’t actually win the SB.
Oh, well. Winning isn’t everything…(wink wink, nudge nudge).
February 16th, 2012 at 3:47 PM
I’d be right back here bitching
February 16th, 2012 at 3:48 PM
Yeah, Armageddon was a great idea to kill the asteroid. But that thing would explode into thousands of pieces and rain on Earth. Plus, as TexansFan said, we can’t pick up a vast majority of these things until they’re on our doorstep.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:48 PM
totally…those things move 5-19 miles PER SECOND according to the linked article. that’s insane.
the two planets that collided to form our earth were travelling 25,000 miles per hour through space. and the resultant collision created a calendar year 3 billion years ago that was 410 days with 21 hour days that, due to other catostrophic collisions, eventually slowed to 365/24, and is getting gradually slower. crazy shit.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:49 PM
theoretically with a QB like rivers who is arguably better than vick and mcnabb he’d have a much better shot if a guy like norv turner got them to the afc championship game.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:49 PM
Isn’t Phil a big fan of Norval?
Yeah, he is. But, nothing lasts forever. Especially the things you wanted to…
February 16th, 2012 at 3:49 PM
so like a satellite with a buncha nukes in it?
fuck it…just build a huge slingshot and lets pack mir with a whole bunch of nukes. boom boom boom…problem solved. thank you mr. president, it was my honor.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:50 PM
yes i have to work on saturday, assholes.
TPS reports?
February 16th, 2012 at 3:50 PM
i heard this on a podcast last week.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:50 PM
Once we elect Newt and get that moonbase installed, they’ll have some sort of rada-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
February 16th, 2012 at 3:50 PM
they actually answered that problem in the movie. the crew had to destroy it by a certain point in order for the nukes to split and the debris to avoid the earth.
jerk.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:50 PM
Exactly. We have nukes, lots of nukes, but I’ve never heard of a nuke(s) that we can send waaaaaaaaay the hell into space to get an asteroid, which we’d be lucky to discover was on a collision path with Earth, to divert it’s course with PRECISE mathematics.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:50 PM
lets pack mir with a whole bunch of nukes. boom boom boom…problem solved.
didn’t that thing crash back to earth like 10 years ago?
February 16th, 2012 at 3:50 PM
They should just send out that Aurora plane with some nukes.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:51 PM
You smoked a big fat steamroller when you read that, didn’t you? Then just kinda spaced out after finishing.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:52 PM
yea, this is a big thing…all we know about our universe is quartered right now. we only have seen two quarters.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:53 PM
This type of stuff not only tells us how rare collisions are (and that when we find impact craters such as in Arizona, the Yucatan or on the Moon) but how fucking massive and old our universe is. But… but… we’ve only been here for a few thousand years!!!
February 16th, 2012 at 3:53 PM
Should of ducked out early on Friday.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:53 PM
im not going to say i rolled a tampon sized doobie…but i rolled a tampon sized doobie.
/on a doobie kick lately
and there may have been some putting involved throughout. i cannot confirm.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:53 PM
TOTALLY…gets your brain working like gangbusters. i was thinking to myself “i wonder what type of variables you’d have to account for in order to launch a nuke at an asteroid.” like, you’d think they’d be able to pinpoint the exact point where they’d meet, right? if an asteroid is hurtling through space and is on a known collision course for earth, they’d have to know how, where, when and what to use to knock it ever so slightly off it’s intended path. even if you diverted that path 500 feet initially, it’d probably be enough to get it to miss, right?
Like that bullshit rebel base on Alderon?!?!?
February 16th, 2012 at 3:54 PM
Whole buncha positivity in here today.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:54 PM
The solution.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:54 PM
LOL. That’d cost more than a Mars mission, which we can’t even do until 2030. But Newt will cut the growing deficit!
February 16th, 2012 at 3:54 PM
Hey can I lodge a formal protest against commenter MP? Not Menarky Party who now goes by MP III, but the new guy MP.
That’s just too confusing. I’m asking that he please change up. To anything in the world (except obviously Irvin Pankey)
February 16th, 2012 at 3:55 PM
Deep Impact was the superior film, shame F/X keeps airing that other piece of shit
February 16th, 2012 at 3:55 PM
The solution.
That guy is fantastic.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:55 PM
Bought an item from the Cosmic collection on Saturday, Spence. It was sorely needed. Silver, round and makes certain things easier for use. Should have done it years ago.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:55 PM
Can’t see that at work – only read the link – but is that the Ancient Aliens guy? Those memes are hilarious.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:56 PM
im not going to say i rolled a tampon sized doobie…but i rolled a tampon sized doobie.
when you say tampon sized, do you mean the before shot, or the after shot?
February 16th, 2012 at 3:56 PM
My favorite hockey team has lost 9 straight. If they make it double digits tonight, I might take an Exacto knife to my roommate while he’s asleep.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:57 PM
Fuck Deep Impact. Armageddon and Independence Day are two of the finest movies ever made.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:57 PM
Can’t see that at work – only read the link – but is that the Ancient Aliens guy? Those memes are hilarious.
That’s the one. The guy is actually wearing a well tailored suit, but his hair is ridiculous and his eyes look like he just got done huffing paint fumes.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:57 PM
well, you’d have to modify the nukes before putting them up there. you can’t have traditional delivery methods used on earth to launch ICBM’s into low orbit. that kind of thrust in zero g would send the nuke far too fast.
the best bet would likely be to launch the nukes from earth and use the saturn v launch as a guide, stages with an orbit to slingshot around earth, time it with the position of the moon for maximum gravitational force and then use a smaller burst of thrust beyond the moon, saving fuel for course corrections.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:58 PM
i thought mp was menarky party. i havent seen the mpIII
February 16th, 2012 at 3:58 PM
the entire time i was watching this i was thinking “the fuck does it matter what i do with my life?” and “people should take themselves a little less seriously” and “human beings are going to destroy all life on a planet that took MULTIPLE outrageously improbable scenarios that are incomprehensible by 99.9% of humanity over which fiction story of a dude with a messiah complex is right-er.”
/eats bullet
February 16th, 2012 at 3:58 PM
My favorite hockey team has lost 9 straight. If they make it double digits tonight, I might take an Exacto knife to my roommate while he’s asleep.
My baseball team is the Astros.
/checkmate
February 16th, 2012 at 3:58 PM
The solution.
Don’t worry guys, he’ll save us
February 16th, 2012 at 3:58 PM
i thought mp was menarky party. i havent seen the mpIII
see? That’s confusing, right?
February 16th, 2012 at 3:58 PM
before, thank god.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:59 PM
But you didn’t say anything bad about Serpenis Williams!
February 16th, 2012 at 3:59 PM
lawl.
February 16th, 2012 at 3:59 PM
Independence Day definitely had the best president of any disaster movie
“TODAY IS OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY!”
February 16th, 2012 at 4:00 PM
Ah, but my dear whiny bitch, there’s a difference! Losing without talent is one thing, losing with a tremendous amount of talent is like when you eventually find out that Santa isn’t real and girls actually poop.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:00 PM
ooo…sounds like you know your shit. you can be the detail guy…ill just walk around looking important and wearing aviators. we’ll fuck this asteroid up like whoa.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:00 PM
Zetterberg won’t be playing Friday. I’m crestfallen.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:00 PM
And I present the great Carl Sagan as a response.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:00 PM
spacecase grinder?
February 16th, 2012 at 4:01 PM
Better speech: Sly at the end of Rocky IV in Moscow or Bill Pullman in Independence Day? Discuss.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:01 PM
obligatory.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:01 PM
the entire time i was watching this i was thinking “the fuck does it matter what i do with my life?” and “people should take themselves a little less seriously”
i usually end up thinking how crazy it is that all of us happen to be alive on this planet at the exact same time, given the shear amount of time this planets been around, and given that our time on this planet accounts for .0000000000000000000000000000000000001% of the planet’s history, perhaps we should, you know, get along a little better with each other.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:01 PM
the entire time i was watching this i was thinking “the fuck does it matter what i do with my life?” and “people should take themselves a little less seriously” and “human beings are going to destroy all life on a planet that took MULTIPLE outrageously improbable scenarios that are incomprehensible by 99.9% of humanity over which fiction story of a dude with a messiah complex is right-er.”
/eats bullet
I’ve said this before, but I’ll state it again since it seems to fit in the theme of this thread. No matter what, unless we colonize another world, all of human history, everything that we have ever built, written, witnessed, created will one day be completely non-existent because, even if we don’t have another asteroid hit us (which we will at some point), the sun will eventually run out of fuel, expand outward and swallow all of the inner planets, including Earth. The only evidence that we ever existed will be the radio and TV waves that have been projected out into space and whatever space probes are still kicking it out there in interstellar space.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:01 PM
Independence Day definitely had the best president of any disaster movie
Is Idiocracy a disaster movie? It’s a disaster of a movie, but I don’t know if it’s a disaster movie.
Also, I’ll take Tiny Lister in The Fifth Element. I like my futuristic presidents to be giant black dudes.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:01 PM
I think he’s a “special assistant to the Head Coach” or some such. When he’s the head man, look forward to many angry shakes of the head in interviews.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:02 PM
You got it, Spence.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:02 PM
run on sentence, FTMFW!
February 16th, 2012 at 4:02 PM
Always found the end of Independence Day to be a little off-putting…they’re all joking around and laughing while there’s still the little matter of rebuilding the country and there being 50-100 million dead Americans now
February 16th, 2012 at 4:02 PM
I’m a pilot.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:03 PM
NO NO NO!!! if anything, we should be doing the opposite. we need to ensure the survival of our species, damnit! we need to breed out sickness and weakness…
GODDAMNIT, im doing the genocide thing again. i really should see someone about this.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:03 PM
I had the voice from Conan’s IN THE YEAR 2000 skit read this in my head.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:03 PM
In five million years
The sun will explode
(It’s in the Bible!)
It’s a fact
And no one will know
That we were ever here
It’s a fact, it’s a fact
So rest assured in knowing
That what you do don’t matter
Someone will do it better anyway
Sincerely,
The Vandals
February 16th, 2012 at 4:04 PM
I had the voice from Conan’s IN THE YEAR 2000 skit read this in my head.
Exactly what I was going for.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:04 PM
Always found the end of Independence Day to be a little off-putting…they’re all joking around and laughing
I took more of an issue with a drunk who hasn’t flown a jet in 30 years hopping into an F-18 and maneuvering it around like it was no problem.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:04 PM
we’ll figure something out. bring some air conditioners and brita filters to venus and we’ll be good.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:04 PM
I think he’s a “special assistant to the Head Coach” or some such. When he’s the head man, look forward to many angry shakes of the head in interviews.
We got that going for us, at least.
I think I better take up CFL games.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:04 PM
Well, everything except Jeremy Lin’s remarkable 7 game run
February 16th, 2012 at 4:05 PM
honestly, the most offensive thing about this whole thing was that the guy they chose to play this role was randy quaid.
I FUCKING HATE RANDY QUAID.
good golf swing tho.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:05 PM
morgan freeman in deep impact will kick your ass, then he’ll beat bill pullman in the post doomsday election in a landslide.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:06 PM
as long as it was night putting, I’ll allow it.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:06 PM
my vote’s for terry crews in idiocracy…if batman is a heist movie, then idiocracy is totally a disaster movie.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:06 PM
ndependence Day definitely had the best president of any disaster movie
morgan freeman in deep impact will kick your ass, then he’ll beat bill pullman in the post doomsday election in a landslide.
come on guys… it’s danny glover in 2012. game over.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:07 PM
mitch comstein…good guy.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:07 PM
Not a disaster movie but President Andrew Shepherd (Michael Douglas) is probably my favorite president in a movie. TV goes to David Palmer (Dennis Haysbert) for sure.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:07 PM
I FUCKING HATE RANDY QUAID.
good golf swing tho.
there’s full frontal female nudity in Dead Solid Perfect. Blonde Girl, dark bush. You’d recognize her from a bunch of awful late 80′s early 90′s movies and TV
February 16th, 2012 at 4:07 PM
I took more of an issue with a drunk who hasn’t flown a jet in 30 years hopping into an F-18 and maneuvering it around like it was no problem.
honestly, the most offensive thing about this whole thing was that the guy they chose to play this role was randy quaid.
I FUCKING HATE RANDY QUAID.
“good luck buddy”
–probably my favorite line in that movie
February 16th, 2012 at 4:07 PM
Cousin Eddie is a national treasure…plus he made Major League II watchable
February 16th, 2012 at 4:07 PM
“im gettin too old for this shit.”
well isn’t that convenient…OH LOOK AT MR TOO-OLD-FOR-THE-END-OF-TIMES. must be nice to time everything right.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:08 PM
So, we can use this thread to eventually devolve into Metal Mursday, right? Because I think I’ve checked out for the day.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:08 PM
No fictional president is more badass than Black Bush.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:08 PM
i haven’t seen this yet, but am dying too. now that i know there’s nudity in there, i think it might be my favorite movie of all time.
golf (dan jenkins + full frontal nudity + bush) = awesome
February 16th, 2012 at 4:09 PM
TV goes to David Palmer (Dennis Haysbert) for sure.
Sorry, the correct answer is Jed Bartlet.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:09 PM
He was great in Days of Thunder.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:09 PM
i hate that movie. for the simple fact that no aircraft carrier has the name of the ship written on the landing deck.
fucking assholes.
great visual effects, i’d like to see just the disaster sequences as a movie. no plot, not needed. surprised they even tried to make one fit.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:09 PM
Me too. And you might as well toss tomorrow into the “checked out” pile as well. I plan on going out to watch the Flyers game tonight.
/there will be Jameson
February 16th, 2012 at 4:09 PM
I was thinking more along the line of nailing more bitches and getting fucked up all the time, but whatever.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:09 PM
I want to re-watch “Sunshine” and have a hope that our sun won’t eat us after reading ms621′s comment.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:09 PM
this might be the most metal episode of crossfire ever, if that counts.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:10 PM
i hate that movie. for the simple fact that no aircraft carrier has the name of the ship written on the landing deck.
Landing a russian super-plane on a mountainside wasn’t crazy enough, eh?
February 16th, 2012 at 4:11 PM
Debow FTW!
This
February 16th, 2012 at 4:11 PM
“The ni**a bought aluminum tubes! Do I need to tell you what the fuck you can do with aluminum tubes?”
February 16th, 2012 at 4:11 PM
i’d vote for him.
i do prefer TheRock Obama from the SNL skit.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:11 PM
+1 Cocaine Decision
February 16th, 2012 at 4:11 PM
yuri to control tower, yuri to control tower…friend! i am making the landing!
February 16th, 2012 at 4:12 PM
yuri to control tower, yuri to control tower…friend! i am making the landing!
back the ass up for sasha now!
February 16th, 2012 at 4:13 PM
It blows my mind that the Randy Quaid character, drunk off his ass, was able to fly and out-maneuver superior spacecraft before becoming mankind’s hero whilst shouting “UP YOOOUUUUUUURSSSSS!”
February 16th, 2012 at 4:13 PM
I got this yellow cake, wrapped in a special CIA napkin.
DON’T DROP THAT SHIT!
February 16th, 2012 at 4:14 PM
Why the hell did he have a kid named Miguel?
February 16th, 2012 at 4:14 PM
Could have been worse, in the original version of the movie he’s flying his cropduster but they apparently considered that too unbelievable
February 16th, 2012 at 4:15 PM
Could have been worse, in the original version of the movie he’s flying his cropduster but they apparently considered that too unbelievable
!!!
February 16th, 2012 at 4:15 PM
oil? who said anything about oil? you cooking something?
February 16th, 2012 at 4:15 PM
Why the hell did he have a kid named Miguel?
He was a cropduster. You don’t think he came across a hot, young, vulnerable migrant worker in his day?
February 16th, 2012 at 4:16 PM
“UN…you should sanction me. You should sanction me with your army. Oh wait, you don’t have an army. That means you should shut the fuck up. Shut.Fuck.Up!”
February 16th, 2012 at 4:17 PM
Why the hell did he have a kid named Miguel?
I respect the kid who used the “you don’t wanna die a virgin, do you?” line. Way to work you game, even at the end of the world, son.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:17 PM
never heard of functional alcoholics?
who doesn;t play pool or darts better when they’re lodaded?
February 16th, 2012 at 4:18 PM
Me. With pool, it’s not THAT bad, but with darts….I just lose focus completely.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:18 PM
“Focus on space, ni**a. Space…’cause I am not stopping at the moon. Write this down. M-A-R-S…Mars bitches.”
February 16th, 2012 at 4:19 PM
Beer pong, on the other hand, is a game where I do get better the more I drink.
But not darts. Not at all.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:19 PM
top 5 skits on that show, easily.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:19 PM
Mr. Fucking Brightside
February 16th, 2012 at 4:21 PM
Racial Draft
Star Wars sex offender
Prince
Mad Real World
Clayton Bigsby
February 16th, 2012 at 4:21 PM
I love it, but I think my personal favorite is the pixie sketches.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:21 PM
who doesn;t play pool or darts better when they’re lodaded?
I will kick all your asses at drunk pool and darts.
/maybe not
//possibly
February 16th, 2012 at 4:21 PM
dewar, me and a buddy in HS (out in redenck Illinois) used to do this with darts when we were high. by used to i mean twice
stand with your face inches from the screen door and have the other guy throw darts at your face, don’t flinch
February 16th, 2012 at 4:21 PM
I work with people like that and we sure as fuck ain’t sitting at a desk either
February 16th, 2012 at 4:22 PM
Racial Draft
Star Wars sex offender
Prince
Mad Real World
Clayton Bigsby
Rick James, bitch.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:23 PM
i’m so lodaded.
drunk typing
February 16th, 2012 at 4:23 PM
awesome movie.
i can suspend my disbelief about the plane, and hawaii being molten lava on all islands (despite only 1 island being on a hotspot) i can’t for the aircraft carrier. i expect a certain amount of realism.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:24 PM
There are so many. Reparations is a great bit. The “everything-is-better-in-slow-motion” is also great. Prince, Bigsby and the racial draft are all-timers for sure. R-Kelly music videos are also great. Again, there are just so many.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:24 PM
any list of chappelle’s show without wayne brady is invalid.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:24 PM
yes.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:24 PM
I suck at both. I would demolish anybody at high/drunk Mario Kart, Goldeneye, Call of Duty or Perfect Dark.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:26 PM
i expect a certain amount of realism.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when a show lists the name of a fictitious navy ship and doesn’t follow the naming conventions for said ship. I remember an episode of Law & Order where a female naval aviator was being tried in relation to a murder. The aircraft carrier she was supposedly stationed on was called the Minnesota, which pisses me off to no end because no aircraft carrier ever in the navy’s history has ever been named for a state.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:26 PM
- Everyone I’ve Ever Met
February 16th, 2012 at 4:26 PM
So true.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:26 PM
cropdusters on Earf are very powerful and capable of such maneuvers
February 16th, 2012 at 4:26 PM
My luck, a dart would have gone through a weak part of the screen and taken out an eye.
I can’t imagine doing shit like that when high. It wouldn’t even be in my headspace to think of that.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:27 PM
plus, unless you’ve been dui’d, you’re all good drunk drivers, no?
that’s sorta like a plane
February 16th, 2012 at 4:27 PM
Totally forgot about that. The trading places episode is classic as well. You’re right, there are way too many. Also love the Playa Haters.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:29 PM
I didn’t know you got wet.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:29 PM
wu tang financial services…diversify yo’ bonds.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:30 PM
well dewar, living in the country extends your creative childhood game-creating a few years. we also played frisbee on really windy days by throwing it in the wind at an angle then trying to catch it. physics folks will know why, but the speed of the disc coming down was phenomenal and dangerous
February 16th, 2012 at 4:31 PM
Chapelle’s Real World sketch was also fantastic.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:31 PM
World Series of Dice.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:33 PM
OH GOD…totally forgot about that. ashy larry is one of my favorite characters of all time.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:33 PM
The bit where they reverse how drug dealers and white collar criminals are sent through the justice system was always a favorite of mine
“One, two, three, four…FIF!”
February 16th, 2012 at 4:34 PM
OH GOD…totally forgot about that. ashy larry is one of my favorite characters of all time.
/moderation’d
February 16th, 2012 at 4:35 PM
You’re drier than Kunta Kinte’s ankles
February 16th, 2012 at 4:37 PM
Now I have to go home and put water in Pitbull’s momma’s dish.
February 16th, 2012 at 4:40 PM
shit, just thought of the player haters ball too.