Every week The Sports Hernia and Cousins of Ron Mexico will recap the top five stories of the week. They are listed by importance, humor and relevance with a high degree of historical perspective in mind. Mostly, we’ll be reviewing the stuff TBL has run into the ground over the last few days, but sometimes a story slips through the cracks. Or some third reason allowing us to bring up something pointless.

1. Ben Roethlisberger
TSH — There’s a 97% chance that every acorn on earth is being stored in Ben Roethlisberger’s cheeks. Any chick that’s made out with this dude probably needs some “me time” when they see this photograph of Chris Kaman.

CRM — The important thing to remember is that he’s not that smart. As a professional athlete, there’s got to be a better way to score some strange than doing a pub crawl in a college town. Especially one so retardedly nicknamed as “Millyvegas.”

2. The Culture Tournament
CRM — I still have no idea how TBL puts this bracket together. And what are we supposed to vote for? The thing that was more culturally relevant? The thing that is funniest? The thing I’d like to fuck the most? And how did “Bailing out the banks” end up in the Arts/Entertainment bracket? You need a fucked up sense of humor to find that entertaining.

TSH — How did the UConn women’s basketball team get left out?

3. Keith Olbermann versus Bill Simmons
CRM — Simmons said something dumb and Olbermann is a douche. Did I about sum it up?

TSH — None of us, not even Bill Simmons, are as accomplished as the great Keith Olbermann, but that doesn’t change the fact that I would embarrass him in an arm wrestling match. Thumb wrestling too. Strangely, as I know it’s unusual in this day and age not to have an unreasonable hard-on for media personalities, I don’t have a problem with either one of these guys.

4. Oscars Hangover
TSH — Guy Pearce was in the Hurt Locker for about 13 seconds. That’s a crime I will not soon forget. On a much brighter note, the Karate Kid remake is just three short months away.

CRM — So, is everyone running out to catch up on all the great films they missed? I still haven’t seen Avatar because I’m the only one in my circle of friends (two people can form a circle, right?) that wants to see it. Having said that, suck it James Cameron! The Hurt Locker was worthy and I’m tempted to hide all the booze and dangerous objects in my house so I can watch Precious.

5. College Hoops
TSH — St. Patty’s day is next Wednesday, the Big Dance begins on Thursday. Should be a productive string of days for the American work force.

CRM — Conference tournaments, bubbles bursting, all that good shit. Next week, we get to fill out brackets and then watch them crumble within days. Isn’t March great? Also, THIS.

Honorable Mention
Better than any of the garbage in the dunk contest … Death: “I’m friends with Merlin Olsen, too. He comes over on occasion.” … Lousy Smarch weather … Conan O’Brien going on tour to support his employees. If you’re a hipster, you’re buying tickets … Alice in Wonderland is a behemoth … Lady Gaga is out of control … The best band in the world … A fucking hat!

Query Of The Week
Are you ready for baseball?

Willie Clark found guilty in the murder of Darrent Williams, will do life in jail. [Denver Post]

Get out of Nashville while you still can, Kentucky blue is overwhelming the town for the SEC tourney. [Jeff Schultz]

Here’s a 1981 profile of former NFL player/announcer Merlin Olsen, who passed away yesterday. [SI Vault]

The San Jose Sharks set an NHL record with a third straight comeback victory. [NHL.com]

Gilbert Arenas will wear the No. 6 next season. He was born on Jan. 6. [WP]

Washington Huskies freshman defensive end allegedly punches out a guy trying to break up a fight, suspended indefinitely. [Seattle Times]

For the NASCAR fans. [The Atlantic]

Desperation: Atlanta Thrashers yanked 48-year-old Chris Chelios out of the AHL this week. [AJC]

Interesting cop-journalist situation in Aspen. [Aspen Times via Romenesko]

Was JaMarcus Russell treated for lethargy addiction? [SBB]

Here’s a good read about Temple best basketball player, Lavoy Allen. [Inquirer]

Merlin Olsen, a terrific sports announcer in the 1980s – we know him from calling the NFL on NBC with Dick Enberg – has passed away, according to the Cache Valley Daily. (You have to fast forward to the 1:15 mark in the video to hear Olsen.) Besides being a great announcer, Olsen was a 2-time All-American at Utah State and enjoyed a brilliant career as a defensive tackle for the LA Rams. He was a 14-time Pro Bowler and got into the NFL Hall of Fame in 1982. [CVD]

Ocho Cinco lights into Colin Cowherd. [Twitter1 and Twitter2]

Are 45,000 people really going to show up to a boxing fight in Dallas? [Yahoo]

Division II football player did well at the NFL combine … but he’s allegedly a registered sex offender. [SFL]

Seton Hall defeats Providence, sets up pivotal, 7 pm NCAA “play-in” game against Notre Dame. Loser’s left on the bubble. [Star-Ledger]

Rihanna and Matt Kemp, still going strong. [E!]

In the Big East, if you spend, you win. [NYT]

NASCAR has put Carl Edwards on probation. [Fox Sports]

Kerry Rhodes went from budding star to clown and now he’s taking some parting shots at the Jets. He’s all yours, Arizona. [PFT]

Kansas State coach Frank Martin is a fan of a 128-team NCAA tournament. [KC Confidential]

P.J. Carlesimo the leader for the Oregon job to replace Ernie Kent? Guy’s been out of the sport forever. Bad move. [Oregonian]

Stephon Marbury asked for a raise in China. [The Hoops Market]

In preparation of the ACC tourney: Why UNC slumped big-time this year. [News & Record]

Ha. Via Hot Clicks

Tweeted this two days ago, not sure how we forgot to include it.

Then Keith Olbermann weighed in.

Simmons flung back some angry tweets in his direction.

Olbermann came back at Simmons yesterday. Hard:

Mr. Simmons resumes:

KO, please know the feeling is mutual. You’re my worst case scenario for my career in 12 yrs: a pious, unlikable blowhard who lives alone.

3:13 PM Mar 5th via UberTwitter

This assumes that Mr. Simmons’ career now is where mine was twelve years ago (anchoring SportsCenter, then my own MSNBC political show, anchoring NBC Weekend Nightly News, writing a best-selling sports book, etc). In fact, this assumes that this is Mr. Simmons’ career, which is remarkable. Also, anybody who could write as many words without saying anything of consequence really should throw around the word “blowhard” as frequently as he would a street sewer cover.

Also, I don’t think “pious” necessarily means what he thinks it does.

Having made his point 50% of his words ago, Mr. Simmons still continues. As usual:

I feel bad about saying Olbermann lives alone. I forgot about his cats.

3:30 PM Mar 5th via UberTwitter

Mr. Simmons apparently uses, for factual research, old parody sketches from “Saturday Night Live.” I’m not surprised. That was Ben Affleck. Thanks for playing.

I am surprised, however, to be able to shed some light on something that has been a prominent topic of late around the internet: the prospect that Mr. Simmons is leaving ESPN. Admittedly I am something of an authority on this process. Nonetheless, I was stunned to receive several emails from some of Mr. Simmons’ bosses there, thanking me for pointing out the absurdity of, and the embarrassment to ESPN provided by, the Woods/Ali comparison.

About five years ago, I guess, somebody said Tony Kornheiser was the most uncontrollable, unmanageable talent in the history of ESPN. I was, of course, crushed (although I believe I got honorable mention). When ESPN bosses are writing me for helping them about somebody they claim has now lapped Tony and myself, I am left to conclude only that if Mr. Simmons does leave ESPN, it may not be entirely of his own choosing.

Simmons bowed out last night which is a wise move because against a guy like Olbermann, you’ve got ammo for days, and nobody wants Rebecca Lobo’s name dragged through the mud. And with nothing to gain for Simmons, what’s the point? The problem with being in Simmons’ position is that everyone is going to come at him for everything he writes, in hopes that they can draw the Sportsguy into a “feud.” Want to get noticed? Go after the No. 1 online draw at the No. 1 sports entity in the country. Simmons has absolutely nothing to gain by swinging down. (How he continually is able to hold back at some of the stuff written about him online is the first question we’ll ask him, should an interview happen.)

[Ed. I called it "swinging down" because Olbermann took his jabs online. How many people read his blog religiously? Whatever the number, it is infinitesimal compared to Simmons' twitter following. By reacting, Simmons put many, many more eyeballs on the blog post. If Olbermann had taken a jab on air, then I think it is a completely different story. ]

The biggest question is whether or not Olbermann actually had “Simmons’ bosses” emailing him. [UPDATE: Via CRM comes this tweet from one of Simmons' three bosses.]For a guy who “napalmed” bridges on his way out of Bristol a decade ago, is it possible Olbermann still has good connections there? It seems hard to believe. On the chance that it is … risky move to align yourself with a loose cannon like Olbermann, Mr. Corner Office email sender. [Baseball Nerd]

Your complete list of Oscar winners. Hollywood stuck it to James Cameron for being a prick, eh? [Oscars.org]

Athlete and celebrity pitchmen: Trend not stopping anytime soon. [Adweek]

It happened Saturday, but we’re still in awe of Kyle Kuric’s 2nd-half performance against Syracuse. [ESPN]

Research paper questions the validity of the Wonderlic test “in the NFL employment setting.” [AJC]

Magazine tries to claim online criticism is defamation. Pathetic. [Tech Dirt]

You’ll laugh: Read this column from 1995 where the author mocks the internet as a non-factor and how it’ll never matter. Somebody should track the guy down and get a reaction. [Newsweek]

Now you want Jim O’Brien fired? This has been needed since December. [Indy Star]

For fantasy baseball purposes: Russell Martin of the Dodgers will be out 4-6 weeks. [LA Times]

Get crunk, Cleveland Browns fans: the team signed offensive lineman Tony Pashos and linebacker Scott Fujita. [Plain-Dealer]

The story behind the “Kanye moment” at the Oscars. [Salon]

Ohio State’s Jim Tressel talked to Outlook Columbus for its “Queers & Sports” issue. [Big Ten Blog]

Matt Cooke delivers a forearm shiver to Marc Savard, who doesn’t get up. For awhile.

That’s talent.