Bill Simmons and Rachel Nichols Should Probably Keep a Safe Distance from This Guy

Dude whipped out an dynamite and blew Bristol off the map … and then he hunted down Bill Simmons and popped him, execution-style.

"Do you hear me, Ed Werder? Do you hear me, Rachel Nichols? Do you hear me, Chris Mortensen? Do you hear me, Marc Stein? Do you hear me, ESPN producer schmucks? You didn’t break JACK SQUAT. Some real journalist at a newspaper broke that story. You’re nothing more than a bunch of pathetic piggybackers, trying to fool that gullible sports audience out there – of which you have legions of the duped tuning in daily. Oh, and here’s a little shout out to guys like the Bill Simmonses of the world – guys who never did the real work of journalism but just love to sit from their on-high funnyman thrones and crack wise on the doings of those who could: Hey, I’m from New England – I AM YOUR DEMOGRAPHIC – and I’m even tired of your act. Thanks, Bill, for the 113th “column” on a Vegas trip last weekend. Hench, J-Bug, the line at McCarran, Seventh Circle of Hell, oh, it’s all so fresh and funny, my man. Yes it was, the first 23 times I read it."

Ordinarily we’d stop there and let you have it, but after the jump, there’s one more hilarious paragraph, and Dater used ALL CAPS to make his point …

“And here’s my answer to my still respected friend, that I should have said right away: hell yes, I’m glad I’m not some ESPN stooge, who might make more money than me, but spends his/her entire day preening around the athletic arena, microphone in hand, makeup case in hand, hair spray in hand, ready to ask an inane, suckup, kiss-butt question to a player that, at the end of the day, at the end of this life, at the end of this universe, HAS ABSOLUTELY NO RESONATING IMPACT ON THE MEMORIES OF ITS VIEWING AUDIENCE, AND ABSOLUTELY NO LASTING IMPACT ON ANYTHING REMOTELY ASSOCIATED WITH THE ART CALLED “JOURNALISM” WHICH YOU FALSELY ATTACH YOURSELVES TO.€

For the second time today, we’ve been rendered speechless. That sound you hear from newsrooms everywhere? A standing applause for the now famous Adrian Dater.

Kiszla hearstsSakic, Dater does not heart ESPN (Jibblescribbits)
All Things Havs (Denver Post)