Dan Wetzel, Please Step Away From the NCAA Bracket

" It was like a woman standing at a bar who looked so good in her skirt your head snapped and your brain stopped functioning. This was promising, you figured. This had potential, you thought. That skirt alone was enough to ignore that she was chain smoking while drinking vodka, no ice, straight out of a smudged glass. It made the fact she was simultaneously playing three keno cards endearing. And yes the guy’s name tattooed on her back did correspond to the oversized mixed martial arts enthusiast playing pool across the way, but he was an “ex fiancèe” after all. Once you introduced her to your parents at your sister’s wedding next week, he’d be forgotten. You don’t just pick a Final Four team, you consummate a relationship with them. They become your team even if you have no prior attachment – you didn’t attend the school, you barely know where it’s located. Especially when you take a non-chalk pick and believe you’ve outsmarted America. "

Filling out brackets is fun, but it shouldn’t require thought, particularly thought and analogies that are this creepy. It shouldn’t require pantomiming and voiceovers. There’s no science. The man or woman who hasn’t watched a game all season is just as likely to win as the person who watched every night.

Have fun. Be measured. Join the pool. Pitch in your $10. Don’t get emotionally invested. No one, male or female, should be “consummating a relationship” with a Mens’ college basketball team.

Mr. Wetzel, I would suggest a step back, a deep breath, and, if necessary, an assortment of prophylactics.