The Easter Candy Batting Order
By Jason Lisk
TSH- pastel blue; TBL- red; Duffy – purple
Leadoff Hitter: Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs.
Okay, I know Reese’s makes peanut butter cups, so I may appear to be violating my rule distinguishing Easter candy from candy you can get on Easter. But I don’t think so. It’s not just the packaging change. The peanut butter egg is an improvement on the peanut butter cup, providing greater peanut butter volume to chocolate surface area ratio. It’s unique shape also provides enjoyment, and the peanut butter egg is going to always be the leadoff hitter in my book. Some old school types may not think it’s scrappy enough because of its lumpy shape, but it has a very high on-base percentage. First candy eaten.
TSH – Any candy with both chocolate and peanut butter holds a special place in my heart.
TBL – Not a fan. As you will soon find out, I’m not that big of a chocolate guy. Butterfinger? Sure. Chocolate glazed doughnut? Yum. I won’t even tell you my thoughts on Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
Duffy – Love chocolate/peanut butter combo, but these are always better in conception than reality. I would call them the Jacoby Ellsbury of candy.
#2 Hole: Solid milk chocolate egg in tin foil.
It doesn’t have the pop of some others, but it is consistent and basic and does the little things well. No easter basket lineup is complete without several, and it is a true table setter for other big hitters in the lineup.
TSH – Simple, effective, timeless, and easy to travel with. A true classic.
TBL – Sure did look great in the basket. But I’ll pass.
#3 Hitter: Cadbury Caramel Eggs.
Sure, it was a big money free agent. Yes, it feeds popcorn to Starbursts at the Super Bowl and doesn’t respect the unwritten rules of Easter candy-dom. All it does though, is deliver a high slugging percentage with a very good on base year after year after year. Caramel inside a conical shape is the gold standard.
TSH – The Rolls Royce of Easter candy.
TBL – Being a Caramel guy, this was in my wheelhouse. I’d often trade the “other undesirables” in my basket to relatives for the Caramel eggs.
Cleanup Hitter: Solid Chocolate Bunny (Large Variety)
Can the solid chocolate bunny strikeout sometimes if the chocolate isn’t just right? Sure, but it is a necessity in the middle of the lineup to keep people from intentional walking the Caramel egg. Any easter basket without it is struggling to keep up.
TBL: No thanks.
#5 Spot: Large Bubble Gum Eggs.
Here, we are concerned about our righty/lefty balance, or in this case, the chocolate to fruit ratio of our lineup. The Bubble Gum Egg provides protection behind the Chocolate and Goodness filled boppers in the middle.
TBL: Not entirely sure what this is. If we’re talking about the gumballs akin to those you find in the .25 cent machines at the grocery store, I usually polished these off within :45 seconds of digging into my basket.
Duffy – I’ve never seen the purpose of anything bubble gum related, except when I was 11, playing little league and it would put a huge wad in my mouth so it looked like chewing tobacco.
#6 Hitter: Cadbury Creme and Solid Chocolate Eggs.
Not quite as high on my list as the Caramel center, so they get moved down the lineup to keep balance and not put to similar hitters next to each other, but these varieties still pack a wallop and can drive in the runs.
TBL: Pass
Duffy – These are my two favorites, assuming the solid chocolate eggs are the mini ones with the candy shell. Have kind of soured on the Cadbury Cremes since candy companies decided they needed to “reduce the calories” by selling smaller candy for the same amount of money. They’re like 75 percent the size they used to be. The filling is not quite as creamy. Instead of ruining unhealthy treats for the rest of us, how about we tell tubby people to have some self-control?
#7 Hitter: Hollow Chocolate Bunny (Large Variety).
It’s at this point that our lineup starts to take it a hit. Yes, the Hollow Chocolate Bunny wrapped in tin foil is definitely a member of the all-Airport team and makes your team look good when you are in batting practice. But get into the game, and he is the high priced free agent mistake that often leaves you wanting more and wondering why you didn’t notice his propensity to work the walk.
TSH – Biting a hollow ear of one of these things is a disgraceful disappointment. Worse than learning wrestling is fake. F-.
TBL: No.
Duffy – Agree with Hernia on this. They’re always a tease. The chocolate is never as rich as it looks.
#8 Hitter: Large Jelly Bean Bird Eggs
These sugary monsters may not have the taste of the smaller modern gourmet jelly bean marvels, and are a little heavy on the food coloring, but they still are a staple of any Easter basket lineup and can come up with the occasional hit to start a rally.
Duffy – I hate jelly beans. The only jelly beans that are enjoyable are the starburst jelly beans, which somehow manage to taste better than the original starbursts.
#9 Hitter: Marshmallow Egg.
Since many managers like to interchange the leadoff and bottom of the order guys, the marshmallow egg goes here. Sure, it looks like the peanut butter egg at first glance. Then you bite into it and realize it has a .300 OBP and is not someone you want up with the bases loaded.
Duffy – Marshmallow “is what it is.” You don’t choose it with high expectations, but you’re seldom disappointed.
Late Inning Veteran Pinch Hitter/Corner Infielder: Nestle Crispy Rice and Chocolate Eggs
Sure, he’s behind the Cadbury Creme Egg because they play the same position, and he’s been around the league for a while. But the Crispy Rice Chocolate Egg knows how to handle the fastball and send it back the other way. He’s probably a better hitter than some in the lineup, so he gets to come off the bench in key situations.
Fourth Outfielder: Robin Eggs
I can’t get over the fact that, as charming as these little suckers may appear, they are still a malt ball. I’ll let you pinch run and play defense late, but that’s about it.
Duffy – I hate these. Overrated. Awful. You see them in an easter basket you’re bothered someone even thought to buy them. They’re the Dodger-era Andruw Jones of candies.
Backup Catcher that Gets to Play in Day Games: Bite-sized Solid Flat Chocolate Bunny
This guy doesn’t have the volume of tastiness of the circular chocolate egg, but should get in the game about every fifth day or so to give the other chocolate varieties some rest.
Duffy – Waste of calories.
Scrappy Utility Infielder that gets too many at-bats: Peeps
Just like managers that fall in love with the little guy that does the little thing right, somebody out there must love peeps because they constantly show up everywhere at Easter. But they are filler. Does anyone actually go to them first? Disgusting little scrappy creatures. They can change the colors and the shapes, but we all know that they are all the same. Peeps are have a negative VORC (value over replacement candy) but always find themselves on a roster.
TSH – Awful. I’d rank buffalo chicken chocolate bunnies higher than Peeps.
Duffy – I get flooded with nostalgia for my sugar-fiend days, bite into one and am reminded that I’m an adult. Still enjoy watching them blow up like Shawn Kemp when they get microwaved though.
[photo via Getty]