Weekly Top Five: NBA Lockout, Federer, Cliff Lee, and Stats!
By Tim Ryan
Because we happen to be generous souls, here’s Melissa Satta in a thong. And because we are dicks, here’s JWow making Skeletor look beautiful. Ok, we’re sorry, here’s Kate Upton’s ass.
1. NBA Lockout!
TSH — I heard some guest on PTI, not sure who it was, say there’s a 75% chance that there will not be an NBA season next year. I love how this lockout has barely begun and we already have writers predicting its fate like Carlos Beltran discussing his latest hamstring injury. Probably best to let this play out for a bit while we worry about the NFL getting the damn thang done.
CRM — I’m not optimistic about any of these work stoppages. Maybe if we hadn’t lost half an NBA season and full NHL and MLB seasons in my lifetime I would have a sunnier outlook, but I don’t. Until someone specifically says, “We are playing” I’m going to assume we’re going to have to find something else to argue about.
2. Stat Fight!
TSH — Jonah Lehrer turned the baseball world upside down with his piece on Sabermetrics. My only solution for this is to go to Lionel Kiddie City and turn that frown upside down.
CRM — I stay out of all the stat arguments. Not because I don’t care about the advanced statistics, but because I judge all debates using the eye test and this one seems pretty cut and dry.
3. Down Goes Federer
TSH — I thought lucky number seven was on the way but then Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, otherwise known as some dude, got in the way. I had no idea Federer is only 29 years old (30 in August). He’s got a few great runs left in him. He’ll take the US Open in September because winning in New York would make for a dramatic scene in the perfect theatrical backdrop. Why? Because it’s the biggest stage. New York brings the sizzle. That’s why Jordan always played so well here. You may now load your slingshot with a feces-covered rock and fire it in my general direction.
CRM — Oh, shut up about New York. Nobody gives a shit. Right, Jo-Wilfried?
TSH — No.
4. Cliff Lee’s Ridiculous June
TSH — Cliff Lee’s month of June consisted of 42 IP, 1 ER, 8 BB, 29 K, a hilarious ERA of 0.21, and a scoreless innings streak of 32. He has allowed three extra base hits in June*, the least given up in a month since Pedro Martinez in July of 1997. Any time a pitcher has a stat followed by “most or least since Pedro Martinez in 1997” you know it involves something tremendously impressive. [*Courtesy of commenter SouvenirCity]
CRM — You want to talk ridiculous? Cliff Lee and the Florida Marlins both had 5 wins in June. That’s ridiculous. I hate baseball.
CRM — The picture of Snooki usually runs further down in this post, doesn’t it?
Honorable Mention
LeBron is back! … a picture of an athlete’s bar tab! … Newsflash: Pittsburgh Still Lame … a fucking hat!
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CRM — /runs around with sparklers
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This Week in Retarded Pictures of Snooki
TSH — Snooki’s bag says “MK” which quite obviously stands for Musty Kooch.
CRM — I suppose with a new season of Jersey Shore around the corner she deserved multiple pictures. Now where can I get those glasses?
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If this outstanding response from Eazy-E came out today, it would have been huge thanks to the existence of the internet. Eazy’s label was basically buried when this diss track came out in 1993.
Monday is Independence Day, but today is Canada Day
[Photos via Getty]