Weekly Top Five: The Super Bowl, Gronk, Irsay vs. Peyton, Prince Fielder, and Other Stuff
By Tim Ryan
Pictured at right is Kate Upton. She’s new to the Internet, so be nice.
1. Super Bowl XLVI
TSH — We made it through the first week of the two week layoff before the Super Bowl, and while I haven’t sifted through every article, it’s assumed that most avid football fans have learned of a random offensive lineman’s surprising tie collection, some coordinator’s love of yoga, and a long snapper’s off-season job as a toll collector. We’ve also heard from a camel named Princess, who picked the Giants. I’m just glad we survived the week.
CRM — Man. I’ve got a huge party planned for Sunday. Wings, beer, pizza… everything. It’s going to be awesome. Just me, that food and the TV. The most important game of the year. The Pro Bowl. Winner gets home field advantage in the Super Bowl.
2. Rob Gronkowski
TSH — Four things: Yo soy fiesta, the Gronkowski rap, the above video, and this photo. Rob freaking Gronkowski. That is all.
CRM — This guy is a monster, but I think it’s safe to say that Vernon Davis and Jimmy Graham are both in his class. If only curling were treated with the same reverence as hanging with pron stars then Davis might get the proper love.
3. Jim Irsay vs. Peyton Manning
TSH — Peyton Manning has been a class act throughout his entire career and a true pleasure to watch, so I’ll absolutely be rooting for him wherever he goes. Can the Cardinals make Kevin Kolb’s contract magically evaporate so 18 can throw the pigskin to Larry Fitzgerald 15 times a game? As for Irsay, he’s always been an outspoken, colorful figure, but I’ve been a little disappointed in how he’s gone about this whole ordeal, even for him.
CRM — If Peyton Manning doesn’t retire as an old man and a career Colt, it won’t seem right. It just won’t. I don’t want to see Peyton as a Jet. Not just because I don’t want the Jets to ever win anything, but because Peyton is a Colt. Brady is a Patriot. Alex Smith is a 49er. I may have gotten off track. The point is, Peyton needs to stay in Indianapolis or retire. He’s already got that coin-tossing gig lined up.
4. Terrell Suggs, American Hero
TSH — This really is an outstanding moment. It’s not just that Suggs calls Skip Bayless a douchebag, but his calm, cool and direct tone made it all the more satisfying. I’m surprised this victorious moment didn’t get more play around the world wide internet.
CRM — Come on Terrell, you’re just making him more famous.
5. Prince Fielder is a Rich, Portly Vegan
TSH — Nine years and $214 million to a human Weeble Wobble. Scott Boras is a masterful marksman. I wonder how lengthy the list is of mediocre players begging for the maestro’s services. He just waits, waits, and waits a little more until someone drops a briefcase full of cash on top of a dizzying, 90-page binder highlighting everything his client has ever done to better the game of baseball. It’s tremendous.
CRM — Prince Fielder and Miguel Cabrera will definitely anchor the infield. Get it? Despite the fact that Fielder got paid (absurdly well), you have to feel bad that by the time he signed everyone had forgotten he was still a free agent.
Honorable Mention
A Jeep Wrangler crashed JoePa’s funeral … Blake Griffin still excels at dunking … the Colin Cowherd you don’t know … Big Lead Sports Got Acquired by the USA Today Sports Media Group … Steve Tyler’s tits … a fucking hat!
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Last Week’s Query Poll Results:
Bill Belichick destroyed Dexter as the more convincing serial killer by a commanding score of 120-30. By the way, signing “Livin’ on a Prayer” with Tim Tebow or “The Beautiful People” with Tom Brady ended in a tie 82-82 two weeks ago, and now it’s tied 86-86. We will not rest until we have a winner.
Query of the Week…
[poll id=”319″]
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TSH — If Snooki and Steven Tyler had a baby it would look like the world’s ultimate fortune teller.
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Because It’s Been Awhile
[Photos via Getty]