Game of Thrones Recap: The North Remembers

Joffrey Lannister – King Joffrey is still very much a douche. He starts the season with his expected wackness by throwing himself a birthday party and forcing a fat guy to chug wine. Joffrey would make a heck of a fraternity house president.

Daenerys Targaryen – Oh, Dany. Beautiful, badass, dragon-birthing Dany. Her group is down to a handful and I have no idea what she’s going to do. If I were her I would be a little more worried about what kind of meat those dragons eat…

Sansa Stark – She seems so despondent and broken, but still manages to control Joffrey a little. Maybe there is hope for her yet.

Jon Snow – If he wasn’t so emo, I would expect him to sleep with all the wildling wife/daughters.

Winter – Still coming. According to the meteorologists at King’s Landing, it is going to be a doozy.

The Hound – Keeps doing Hound-ish things like beating the snot out of lesser men and throwing them to their death. Also, dispenses helpful advice to the King. Remember The Hound’s words the next time you consider hazing someone to death on your Name Day.

Theme Song – Still awesome. Oooh! Dragonstone!!! Has there ever been such a badass name of a place? Sure we see it’s just a weird beach party, but what a name. Dragonstone appears to be the home of Stannis Baratheon and this red-head POA sorceress named Melisandre. She can drink poison and everything.

Hodor – Hodor.

Tyrion Lannister – Is there a rule about how many Emmys we can give Peter Dinklage? I would give him all of the Emmys.

Cersei Lannister – As awful a person as she is, you have to admit that Cersei is a real G. She showed Little Finger what was up and she even slapped the King. Is there anything in the world better than Joffrey getting smacked in the face? She keeps carrying on like this and she’s going to end up dead. Hopefully.

Little Finger – He’s still very clever, but as I mentioned above – you don’t muck with a Real G like Cersei Lannister.

King Robert’s Bastards – *tugs collar* Well, that was certainly uncomfortable. The Robert Baratheon Bastard Death Montage was certainly thorough. I mean, that’s a lot of bastards. Dude stuck it everywhere. If he did the pull and pray, it was to the wrong Gods.

Arya Stark – I have a feeling Arya and Gendry are going to have some great adventures on their way to the wall. If they they kill Arya I swear I will cry like a little Joffrey.

Next Week: More violence, nudity and binge drinking no doubt.