Sweaters & Saxophones: Six Cheesy NFL Music Videos That Haven't Aged Very Well

Sweaters & Saxophones: Six Cheesy NFL Music Videos That Haven't Aged Very Well


Sweaters & Saxophones: Six Cheesy NFL Music Videos That Haven't Aged Very Well

In 1985 the Chicago Bears Shufflin’ Crew released the “Super Bowl Shuffle.” The world — and our ear drums — were never the same after the Punky QB known as McMahon, Samurai Mike and Mama’s Boy Otis were released on the world. Chances are you’ve heard it.

Did you know it sparked an entire cottage industry of NFL teams deciding to try their hand at rapping, or specifically lip-synching over studio beats?

On this lazy day after Thanksgiving, let’s take a look at these knock-offs. It’s clear the Shufflin’ Crew are, and will forever be, the gold standard. The rest have, in one rare exception, aged worse than a vat of processed neon orange nacho cheese.

“We Are the New York Giants”

williamrobertsTeam: New York (Football) Giants
Year: Circa 1986-7
Sounds most like: An uninspired, unreleased Rick James beat mixed with, Constanza sweatpants, a Giants tailgate and some studio session vocals.
Most ridiculous outfit: William Roberts’ mahogany fur coat and shades makes him look like a proto-Rick Ross minus about 50 pounds of bling. Fun fact, Rick Ross’ real name is William Roberts.
Who choreographed this?: Probably the same person who did the Van Halen “Hot for Teacher” video. (Also, why they are tossing around a deflated football inside an NFL stadium is another question we’ll never have answered.)
How much would you have to pay me to listen to this song again: At least enough money to fill up my tank at the Vince Lombardi Rest Stop.
Cheese factor: About a 6.5/10. Believe it or not, there is a full 22-minute VHS tape for this song that features about 400 “man on the street” interviews with New Yorkers, including a 400-pound construction worker imitating Jim Burt with a pirouette. Track it down.

“Buddy’s Watchin’ You.”

greggarrtymustacheTeam: Philadelphia Eagles
Year: Circa 1988
Sounds most like: Whodini mixed with a Bad Sweater Party and some DOPE bass loops.
Most ridiculous outfit No. 1: It’s a damned disgraced Jerome Brown’s red-leather pantsuit isn’t enshrined in Canton. Better yet, it deserves to be preserved in a museum like the Smithsonian.
Most ridiculous outfit No. 2: Randall Cunningham’s Sonny Crockett inspired t-shirt/blazer/chest hair combo that is somehow still stylish and likely helped him hit the high notes.
Best lyric: “Reggie White, defensive end, hit quarterbacks like they’ve committed a sin. Like a good minister, when I’m through I help them up and say god bless you.”
How much would you have to pay me to listen to this song again: Zero dollars. Heaven is this jawn on a loop.
Cheese factor: About a 100/10. In fact, Gregg Garrity’s mustache birthed hipster-ism.
Were Buddy Ryan’s Eagles retroactively the Greatest NFL Team in history: Yes.
Does Luis Zendejas have the greatest MC flow ever?: Yes.

“Silver and Black Attack”

mattmillenTeam: Los Angeles Raiders
Year: Circa 1986 Saxphones
Sounds most like: If Motley Crue wrote songs about sacking the quarterback, rather than chasing floozies on the Sunset Strip.
Most ridiculous outfit: Sadly the Raiders wore their uniforms to this, as if it were Little League picture day so the pick is Howie Long’s crew cut. It’s always Howie Long’s crew cut.
How much would you have to pay me to listen to this song again: About as much it would cost to upgrade the O.co Coliseum.
Is Matt Millen a better rapper or GM?: Push. This lyric is almost as bad as the Mike Williams pick: “Matt Millen’s my name, I’m from Penn State, those turkey’s on offense are creatures I hate.” … Note he raps with jazz hands.
Target audience: A young  rosy-cheeked Roger Goodell is probably the only person on the planet who wanted a six-minute, 80s metal jam about football.
Why is this over six minutes long?: Because God hates us.
Cheese factor: About a 3/10. I’ll listen to the actual Raiders Theme Song (The Autumn Wind) 1,000,000 times before this abomination.

“Can’t Touch Us”

dolphinsrapTeam: Miami Dolphins
Year: 1990
Sounds most like: MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This” or Rick James’ “Superfreak” rapped by a lame white dude named Cody. Exactly like it.
Most ridiculous outfit: Cody and the Fins frontman, Cody’s white-tux/bow-tie without a white is VHS porno-riffic!
Is that a football player playing a Keytar?: Damn right it is.
Zubaz pants, yea or nay?: Only if you’re wearing a fanny pack.
How much would you have to pay me to listen to this song again: The price of two crates of Isotoner gloves.
Cheese factor:  6/10. Imagine back in 1990/91 how many bad MC Hammer parodies where floating around the FM airwaves thanks to the rise of shock jocks? It’s a shame the Dolphins didn’t embrace the Miami Bass rap scene and cut a 2 Live Crew-inspired song. Oh well.

“Locker Room Rock”

seahawkssaxTeam: Seattle Seahawks
Year: Circa 1985
Sounds most like: A rejected Don Johnson B-side mixed with ‘Yakety Sax.’
Most ridiculous outfit: The elderly woman in a Seahawks visor.
Can we learn from this video?: Yes, the locker room should be reserved for hijinks and guys playing rollicking saxophone riffs in the showers — not harassing teammates.
Why does this exist?: Beats me. The 1985 Seahawks went 8-8.
Why is Michael Jackson in this?: Because he played linebacker AND could sing. Get it?
Cheese factor: As for cheese? The sax alone makes it a 8/10. It also gets a solid 9/10 on the homo-eroticism scale.

“The Patriots and We”

patsvideoTeam: New England Patriots
Year: 1985
Sounds most like: A peppier “We Are the World.”
Most ridiculous outfit: Too many to pick.
Is this more offensive than allegedly spying on an opponent to help you win a Super Bowl?: Very close, but no.
Why does this exist?: The Patriots made Super Bowl XX and tried to respond to the Bears ‘Super Bowl Shuffle’ with this video. It’s probably why Ditka allowed William Perry to score a touchdown in the 46-10 blowout.
Cheese factor: 1/10. If you ever needed another reason to hate the Patriots, this video is it.

A Couple Bonus Videos:

Deion Sanders, “Must Be the Money” is to athletes what Eddie Murphy “Party All the Time” is to actors.

Marv Levy’s attempt for a new Buffalo Bills fight song is both hilarious and depressing at the same time.

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