Pigskin Pigsplosion Week 8 NFL Preview: Houston and Tennessee Duel in Best QB Beard Battle of All-Time
Last Week
Ryan: 6-9
Stephen: 6-9
Jason: 9-6
Season
Ryan: 56-49-1
Stephen: 54-51-1
Jason: 52-53-1
San Diego @ Denver (-8.5)
Ryan: It was the Peyton Manning-est thing ever to choreograph the Keepaway game, and I’m mad at myself for falling for it. Should’ve seen that from a thousand miles away. I have to do better and I will. That being said, I’m never picking against Manning again until it’s legitimately cold outside. Broncos.
Stephen: “If Tom Brady ever did that…” Tom Brady has to get close enough to a record to possibly break it first. DENVER
Jason: Philip Rivers and his bolo tie will keep this one close. Now that he has set the record, I don’t think Peyton Manning will be motivated to score anymore. Chargers.
Atlanta vs Detroit (-3.5; game’s in London)
Jason: Rememstronger, this game will actually stronge played in the morning here in the United States, so if you needed an excuse to start drinking at 8 am, here you go. Of course, and I mean this only half jokingly, perhaps we shouldn’t collectively watch. If the ratings are too good, you just know that there will stronge a weekly Sunday 8 AM game from Europe every week strongy 2016.
There’s a decent chance, strongy the way, that the Falcons can’t find the stadium in this one. Lions.
Stephen: There’s no way this isn’t the first of many more Sunday morning games. DETROIT
Ryan: Fine by me. I’ve been meaning to get around to thoroughly documenting the NFL pregame shows to prove that they’re worthless, but that’s a pretty thankless task. Lions.
Minnesota @ Tampa Bay (-2.5)
Ryan: Tampa Bay hasn’t exactly earned the right to be favored by anyone not named Oakland or Jacksonville. Give me the points. Vikings.
Stephen: I hope no strange circumstances lead to me having to watch this. BUCS
Jason: This line baffles me, merely because Tampa has the worst pass defense in the league and has looked inept at times. Not saying the Vikings are any great shakes to win here, but I don’t think we see Leslie Frazier getting carried off the field. Vikings.
Chicago @ New England (-6)
Jason: Patriots fans have had a decade of sustained success to learn how to deal with winning and trash talking. When these two teams met in the Super Bowl after the 1985 season, though, things were much different, and New England wasn’t ready yet. This video shows just how ill-prepared the Patriots fans were, when it came to countering the Bears’ Super Bowl Shuffle. Bears.
Stephen: I heard a guy wearing a Bears hat wanted Chicago to draft Tom Brady, but they didn’t so now there are going to be some blog posts about that. PATS
Ryan: Brian Urlacher’s been hating on Jay Cutler this week. Despite the fact he’s been doing that for years, it always makes the rounds because it’s an easy headline. Even though he’s probably right this time, if I were a Bears fan Urlacher would be annoying the shit out of me since his retirement. Brett Favre was a tougher blow at first, but the Urlacher resentment is lingering longer. Bears.
St. Louis @ Kansas City (-7)
Jason: How long has it strongeen since the Chiefs played at home? The Kansas City Royals hadn’t even played a playoff game yet, and I was getting a solid 7 hours of sleep at night. Chiefs.
Stephen: Come on Rams. Put those asshat KC fans in their place this weekend. CHIEFS
Ryan: I was an early passenger on the Jeff-Fisher-Is-Kinda-Mediocre bandwagon, but that fake punt last week was glorious. He would have been MURDERED for that if it didn’t work, even if it was more or less inevitable that Russell Wilson was about to march the Seahawks down into field goal range if the Rams had punted. In honor of that decision, I’m picking the Rams this week.
Seattle (-5) @ Carolina
Ryan: For whatever reason, bad news that one would think is a DISTRACTION during the week always seems to be a catalyst for a dominant performance on Sundays. The Panthers looked worse than awful in Green Bay last week, and might be reeling, and you know Russell Wilson’s grand plan for media dominance involves a stupefying performance to help pundits retroactively decree that there was NO controversy in Seattle’s locker room. Seahawks.
Stephen: If the Seahawks played in the NFC South, they’d be tied for first. Think about that for a minute. PANTHERS
Jason: This is one of those lines that is based on what the Seattle Seahawks were last year, and not so far this one. Even with the Panthers’ inconsistent play, five is a big number to lay on the road against a roughly average team, especially for one that just lost like the Seahawks. So I make this pick expecting Seattle to play better. Seahawks.
Buffalo @ NY Jets (-3)
Stephen: Vegas obviously doesn’t respect Kyle Orton. Or maybe its the fact that the last three people in Buffalo who tried to run – including regular citizens – got hurt. Now the Bills travel to New Jersey to play one of the worst teams in the league. Assuming they can field 11 players on both offense and defense, they should be able to win. Easily. GO BILLS
Jason: Remember last year when the Rex Ryan was being praised for how that Jets team won 8 games? We always talk about how close game performance tends to not last, and is often a form of luck. Last year, the Jets were 5-1 in close games. So far this year, 1-4. I could make a case that this team is playing about the same or better than a year ago, considering the early tough schedule. Bills.
Ryan: This Bills team is quietly 4-3, and not getting a whole lotta respect.
Miami (-6) @ Jacksonville
Stephen: In the battle for Florida, there are no winners. DOLPHINS
Jason: Well, if this resolution for splitting the state passes, it will instead become the battle of South Florida versus South Alabamgia. I’m going Skynyrd over Estefan. Jaguars.
Ryan: Are the Dolphins good? MAYBE.
Houston (-2) @ Tennessee
Jason: This may not be the game that America wants, but it is the game that America needs. With Zach Mettenberger being moved to starter, this instantly becomes the best QB beard matchup of all-time, or at least since the Civil War. Titans.
Stephen: Winner should get to change its name back to the Oilers. TEXANS
Ryan: That’s not a bad stipulation. Titans.
Baltimore (PK) @ Cincinnati
Ryan: Still waiting for the “Ravens Overcome Ray Rice Adversity to Lead AFC North” COLUMN that draws a huge blowback. Maybe that’s been written, but the backlash mob missed it? Or maybe it’s still coming? Either way, this Ravens team is really good, and they’ve been flying under the radar for whatever reason. AJ Green’s status is still up in the air, and the Bengals’ offense is pretty wack without him. Baltimore.
Stephen: Bengals will need at least 200-yards to stay in this one. I know it’s asking a lot, but I think they can do it. RAVENS
Jason: This would be one that I would love to wait until Green’s status was certain to pick. I mean, the Bengals had no first half first downs last week. Ravens.
Philadelphia @ Arizona (-2.5)
Stephen: These teams are both 5-1. Even though I am looking at the standings I don’t quite believe it. Still, I guess it’s true. Because I am looking at it. And that is what it says. “It” being the standings. I think I’ve written enough words about that. Bye. EAGLES
Jason: Building on your point, one of these teams will be 6-1. Or maybe 5-1-1. Cardinals.
Ryan: Neither of these teams is peaking at the right time in the year. Eagles?
Indianapolis (-3) @ Pittsburgh
Jason: I missed most of the Pittsburgh Monday night game while running around to get credentials for the World Series, running the kids to practice, then heading back to the stadium for the pre-game Gala. I watched exactly two minutes of the game before heading out the door. That would be the two minutes where the score went from 13-3 Houston to 24-13 Pittsburgh. I think I caught all I needed to see. Colts.
Stephen: Reminds me of the time I missed part of a sporting event because I was at the Oscars. COLTS
Ryan: The Colts are still undervalued because the Vegas SHARPS don’t like them for some reason.
Oakland @ Cleveland (-7)
Stephen: The Raiders are the only team that has yet to accumulate 100 total points this season. BROWNS
Jason: The Raiders are also the only team not to have a win at this point, because the Browns managed to lose to the Jaguars a week ago. Raiders.
Ryan: Still can’t go against the thought of the buried football. Raiders.
Green Bay @ New Orleans (-1.5)
Ryan: This feels like a trap game for the Packers. The worst thing for them is when everyone’s saying how great they are. It’s a kitchen sink game for the Saints who need the win to have any hope for their season. The SuperDome is LOUD. Also, I’m gonna be at the game and I’ve had kinda bad luck at Packers games since seeing them win the Super Bowl. Saints.
Stephen: Everybody knows the Packers struggle indoors. That’s why none of them live in enclosed spaces. PACKERS
Jason: Wait, Ryan will be at the game. /changes pick. Saints.
Washington @ Dallas (-9.5)
Stephen: Colt McCoy will start, which means he won’t have to come in for an injured Robert Griffin III. Meanwhile, I have to assume that there are people who actually bought Kirk Cousins jerseys. The good news is, there will probably be another guy named Cousins to play for Washington at some point before the world ends. And he might be good! COWBOYS
Jason: Colt McCoy is 31-6 playing in the Great State of Texas over the last decade. Doubt him at your own risk. Washington.
Ryan: Now that the Cowboys have lulled Stephen into picking them in primetime, this is when BAD (or at least not otherworldly) Tony Romo will show up. Washington.