Pigskin Pigsplosion NFL Week 13 Preview: Thanksgiving Day Gives Us No Breaks

Ryan: 6-9
Stephen: 6-9
Jason: 7-6 (yes, I forgot to pick 2)

Season

Ryan: 89-86-1
Stephen: 87-88-1
Jason: 85-88-1

Chicago @ Detroit (-7)

Ryan: If you stop to think about it, it’s pretty rude of the NFL to make all three games on Thanksgiving be compelling ones. Though a motive would be hard to discern, it seems readily apparent that the league is involved in a sinister plan to cause relationship strife around this holiday. It’s a fight you always kinda need the requisite foresight to get out of the way early. If you have any bargaining power, you can usually plan No TV Time around the dud game, which is this one unless you’re an NFC North fan, which disqualifies me.

It’s a blessemng a curse for me over the holemdays that watchemng football ems my job. On one hand emt means I get to watch football wemthout TOO much resemstance. On the other, emt means I have to watch football. Consequently, I’m gonna be on my laptop duremng Seahawks-49ers at nemght emnstead of lyemng on the couch emn a blemssful food coma. Every job has emts perks and emts downsemdes, and emt’s weemrd when they happen at the same temme. Bears.

Stephen: Yes, the NFL is so devious pitting a Lions team that has scored a blistering 17.9 points a game this season against the 5-6 Chicago Bears at 12:30 on Thanksgiving. Many meals will be left untouched tomorrow because of this one. LIONS

Philadelphia @ Dallas (-3)

Stephen: Keeping with the holiday spirit, I have again enlisted some online family for some help on the picks this week. Today, I’ll be leaning heavily on Roman W. Helmet. Any thoughts on the Giants’ division rivals rivalry? “Sanchez vs Romo. Romo has long lived in the shadows of Mark Sanchez and his superior playoff record.” That’s just cruel. COWBOYS

Jason: I need to enlist some help for this one. Anyone? Feel free to add your comment below. Cowboys.

Ryan: It’s boring when we all pick the same thing so I’m gonna roll with the Eagles on this one.

Seattle @ San Francisco (-1)

Jason: Is there any chance there won’t be something eventful happening at 11 pm at night with this one, when we have all passed out on the couch? The first meeting since Richard Sherman went HAM on Michael Crabtree in the post-game interview, which you might not have heard about. Seahawks.

Ryan: Yeah, people forget about that. Seahawks.

Stephen: Remember when this was the next great rivalry in the NFL? Last year I think it was. Sure, both teams were passed by a Cardinals team that was led by Carson Palmer (in the year 2014 btw), but I’m sure it still applies and both teams will somehow make the Super Bowl again. 49ERS

Jason: Robert Griffin III versus Andrew Luck! Seriously, my condolences. I haven’t been a fan of the most successful franchises over my lifetime, but this Washington mess would make me reevaluate my life choices if I were a fan. What a disastrous and toxic organization. Washington.

Ryan: Yeah we’ve entered into a binding agreement that can be mercilessly cruel. Thank Dad I’m a Packers fan. Washington.

Stephen: As Roman points out, Colt McCoy is playing the Colts and this is the match-up we have been waiting for since Colt McCoy’s parents named him Colt. Headline hacks will have a field day with this one. COLTS

Tennessee @ Houston (-6.5)

Jason: Ryan Fitzpatrick is back. Which means his beard is back. Like many of you (and all of the contributors to the Hard Pass Podcast), I have gone full beard this month. It looks pretty good when I go with a turtle neck and look like I’m coming off harvesting oysters in the bay, but not so much with my typical old man sweats/non-matching shirt work combo. My wife just had me pay someone to trim it before Thanksgiving, a first for me. Looks like I wasn’t the only one. Titans.

Jason: Well, the wife was happy, if you know what I mean.

Stephen: Eww. TEXANS

Cleveland @ Buffalo (-2.5)

Stephen: Brian Hoyer and Kyle Orton are facing off in a meaningful game in week 13. In the NFL. In 2014. I know. Seriously. BROWNS!

Jason: Brian Hoyer mastered post-game press conference and grit from Tom Brady. Bills.

Ryan: Hoyer being visibly upset with himself after a win last week was probably the Hoyerist thing of all-time. Bills.

San Diego @ Baltimore (-5.5)

Stephen: Meanwhile, the Chargers and Ravens face-off in a game matching two of the AFC’s seven 7-win teams. I’m not sure what significance that holds, but any excuse to travel from San Diego to Baltimore in late November sounds great. RAVENS

Jason: The Ravens’ redemption stories are coming. Ravens.

Ryan: What’s taken them so long? Also, will the Ray Rice announcement come in between when this is published and this evening? Sure feels like it. Ravens.

Ryan: The NFL running nine early games on Sunday and just two in the late afternoon for some reason is hard to immediately identify, but almost certainly makes them more money. Packers-Patriots should be awesome and everything, but seven and four would be the optimal Sunday mix. While I’m complaining, I’m still upset that nobody invited me to kick in their Jaguars poolside cabana. That looks like a bitching time. Giants.

Jason: Last week was the Giants’ Super Bowl, hosting rival Dallas, and almost winning. This is Jacksonville’s “bad team getting to host a home wildcard game” game, and I expect them to come out accordingly. Jaguars.

Stephen: The NFL sucks. There is no reason to not split the early/late games evenly. Or to stagger game starts at 1, 3 and 5pm. There are a billion better options than the bullshit 9 and 2 splits. Let’s throw it over to a Giants fan for a breakdown of the actual game: “The Giants are poised to bounce back off of last week’s last-minute loss to give the Jaguars that convincing victory they have been looking for all season.” It’s been a long year in New Jersey. JAGS

Cincinnati (-4) @ Tampa Bay

Ryan: This line seems way too obviously stilted in the Bengals’ favor, which must mean it’s a trap. Bucs.

Jason: Counterpoint, the AFC North has outscored the NFC South in a few games this year. Bengals.

Stephen: “For 60 minutes you get to see Lovie Smith and Marvin Lewis look down at giant laminated playcards, watch the play, shake their heads, grimace and look back at their laminated playcards.” BENGALS

Ryan: In the course of my daily responsibilities, you wouldn’t believe how much dumb sports content I have to read (and admittedly sometimes create). In no particular order, these are a few of my least favorite things.

1. Anything about Jose Canseco.

2. Trick-shot videos that aren’t that cool, but are hailed as awesome.

3. Aggregated lists of hateful things that irrelevant people said on Twitter.

4. Critiques/critics of Skip Bayless that take themselves too seriously.

5. Taiwanese animation treatment.

6. Baseball Hall of Fame debates.

7. NFL Draft grades.

8. Floyd Mayweather gambling wins.

9. Compilations of athletes’ tweets on various sporting events or social matters with no added value.

10. EXCLUSIVE FIRST LOOKS at commercials.

11. Longform stories that try too hard to be literature. (There’s a delicate balance; I won’t name names of writers or publications that annoy me, but places like GQ and Deadspin do a good job in their long work of being informative and engaging without being indulgent.)

12. Takes about Derrick Rose

/Raiders.

Stephen: I hate anything that wasn’t written by Mike Cardillo. Especially these posts. RAMS

Jason: Hey man, I’m not going to talk about what content I do and do not love. That said, I’m taking the Raiders for the win!

Jason: Since the Saints can no longer win at home, that must mean they are a good road team now. #science Saints

Ryan: Who the hell knows? Steelers.

Stephen: Both teams could make the playoffs. One of them has 4 wins. STEELERS

Carolina @ Minnesota (-3)

Stephen: I guess maybe 9 early games were scheduled to ensure that no bar had enough televisions to consider showing this game. BOOM! VIKINGS!

Jason: That’s an interesting point. The Game Mix channel only shows 8 as well, so which ones getting the shaft? Sure, this is a candidate, but I think Oakland/St. Louis and Tennessee/Houston are on the list as well. Maybe we just agree to not show any of them. Panthers.

Ryan: Sounds like you’ve got some #content on the docket for early Sunday afternoon, Lisk. Vikings.

Arizona (-2.5) @ Atlanta

Jason: Mike Smith will call timeout in the pre-game coin flip because otherwise Bruce Arians might have done it. Cardinals.

Stephen: As Roman points out, both of these teams are named after birds. In nature the mighty falcon would ravage the tiny songbird. In the NFL, Mike Smith is in charge of the Falcons. CARDINALS

Ryan: This is definitely a Vegas trap. Falcons.

New England @ Green Bay (-3)

Stephen: What I would give for Tom Brady to show up to a mid-week practice 15-minutes late because he was saving a family from a burning building just to see Belichick bench him for the rest of the season. No one person is bigger than the Patriots. PATS

Ryan: Here’s what anonymous scouts were saying about Aaron Rodgers at the 2005 Draft. Wish we could learn their names. This is the part of the column where I pick against the Packers as a minor emotional hedge. Patriots.

Jason: On Sunday, Ryan thought that a team that has won its last two home games by 3,567 points would be a home dog. He really likes to downplay Green Bay’s chances. I think their chances are slim too, but I think this plucky group of underdogs might finally pull one out. Packers.

Jason: Seriously, get better, Eric Berry. Cancer sucks. Chiefs.

Ryan: This feels like it’s gonna be an Andy Reid clock game with everybody watching. Aren’t we due for one of those? Broncos.

Stephen: Tom Brady and Peyton Manning facing off in RATINGZ. BRONCOS

Miami (-5.5) @ NY Jets

 Jason: Last week, in this spot, I picked against the Jets, saying “the team that has better prepared will win.” Of course, it was a joke about the Bills’ inability to practice all week still being better than whatever the Jets were doing. Truer words were never spoken. Also, I’ll just leave this here and say, no, the Jets would not have won too many more games with Vick. The Jets are the gift that keep on giving, and you get to get gived to again in primetime. Yippee. Dolphins.

Ryan: Lisk, I’m gonna be p. upset if I have to work this one on Monday night. Dolphins.

Jason: done.

Stephen: Tebow time, I reckon.