Jorah – So many broken moral compasses on this show. We’ve got Jorah running around, kidnapping dwarfs, knocking out fishermen and stealing boats. Plus, he doesn’t even bother to have wine for his guests.
Jaime – Solid gold hand is not much for rowing, but is surprisingly useful when someone is swinging a sword at you. You just have to be awake. And not dead by a snake.
Bronn – Rich people hate when poorer people are so much smarter and perceptive then they are.
The Dornish – They seem like fun people.
Cersei – Lotta ins. Lotta outs. Lot of moving parts. She’s playing chess and Margaery is playing checkers. Sexy checkers…
Lancel Lannister – This guy went from cousin-effing to being the craziest person on the show in record time.
Ser Loras – Who hasn’t been thrown in jail because his sister and her mother-in-law are fighting?
King Tommen, First of His Name – First thing this kid gets on his Honey-Do list is freeing his brother-in-law who is being held by religious fanatics who are backed by his mother. Honest question, when was the last time Tommen was ever asked to do anything? Remember Tommen, happy wife, happy life. Kid better get a face-to-face with the High Sparrow soon or he’ll be spending many lonely nights with Ser Pounce.
Margaery – Stupid, sexy checkers.
Stannis – In the end, he’s just a dad who loves his kid. A Stannis sitcom would be the most boring GoT spin-off, but it also might be the most relatable. You know, minus the whole fire god nonsense.
Jon Snow – Sworn to keep a vow that means no free sex and having to ask the guy who killed his brother for supplies.
Sansa – Just don’t get killed and you’ll be Wardeness of the North. Famous last words.
Baelish – Best storyteller in the Seven Kingdoms? My only question would be, what does Cersei want with him? He probably just gets thrown in a cell next to Loras, right? I mean, now isn’t the best time for a smut-peddler to return to King’s Landing.
Ellaria Sand – The “Sand Snakes” are straight out of a Quentin Tarantino movie.
Tyrion – Stuck on a boat. Not much to say about that. Jorah doesn’t seem to appreciate the happy coincidence that they were originally headed to see the same person. Is Bronn the only one who truly gets Tyrion’s sense of humor? One person in the whole damn world.
Rhaegar Targaryen – All he ever wanted to do was make an album. Think about how history would have changed if someone had just listened to his mix-tape.
Grey Worm – I really hope he pulls through. Even if it’s just because I don’t want to see Missandei sad.
Ser Barristan – He was screwed as soon as he started talking in paragraphs. I worry about any tertiary character who suddenly gets more than 1-line in a scene.
Unsullied – I always laugh when a group of Unsullied run.
Sons of the Harpy – Where did they get all those masks? I bet they have somebody run around and collect the masks off the dead guys.