Game of Thrones Recap: "Hardhome"

Game of Thrones Recap: "Hardhome"


Game of Thrones Recap: "Hardhome"

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Dany – She certainly loves the pagentry of her office. Everybody get cleaned up and come stand at the bottom of the steps in Mereen’s Great Hall of Listening to Complaints, Eye Rolling and Heavy Sighs.

Tyrian and Jorah meet with Dany

Tyrion – This episode was a lot of the show doing what it’s at its best doing. Listening to Tyrion talk is one of those things.

jazzJorah – The Jazz to Dany’s Philip Banks.

Cersei – Would you like some water with that comeuppance?

Water Lady – /smacks you in the face with ladle

Arya with her oysters

Lana – Industrious little seafood merchant who has a dark secret. That secret? Vanilla.

Jaqen H’ghar – Or whatever a man calls himself. Was he supposed to be captured way back during Arya’s original trip? Was that all a trick? Does he know what happened to Gendry?

Bran – With two episodes to go, I realize that I haven’t missed him one bit. I mean, I wouldn’t be opposed to a short scene with him sitting there doing nothing with Hodor Hodor-ing around in the background, but I’m also cool without it.

Kevan Lannister – Back. I vaguely recall him. His name still sounds like Kevin McAllister. This still amuses me.

Sansa and Theon

Sansa – Thank you for giving Sansa this. Sure, she’s still a captive to a violent rapist husband, but at least she knows her brothers aren’t dead. There is not much in television or movies more frustrating than one character not sharing important information with another character. Just makes me want to scream and shake a character just like Sansa did with Reek. This scene didn’t even last a full three minutes, but it was deeply satisfying.

Reek – A brief glimpse of Theon. I can’t wait to find out how he lets everyone down again in the last two episodes of the season!

Ramsay Bolton – It was about time to reboot the Expendables franchise, and I think Ramsay and twenty good men have loads of potential.Tyrian and Dany meet

Dany– Not the most fun drinking buddy. Especially, when she steps in after one cup. Seems that late in every season, Dany starts to get badass again. Then in one of the final episodes, she does sometime superduperbadass. Then the next season starts and she’s wandering and listening to land disputes and tax code violations. The Break the Wheel exchange was a great start to the superduperbadass cycle. I’m sure it will end with Dany trying to procure her dragons internships at the Iron Bank of Braavos early in season 6, but still.

Tyrion –  I’m not 100% certain Tyrion will enjoy the working conditions she’s going to impose on him. I’m also quite worried that Jaime is on his (very short) list of people he trusts.

Jorah – He heard Dany was into Gladiator cosplay.

Jorah gets kicked out of the city

Water Lady – /smacks you in the face with ladle


Sam and Gilly – Couple name? Silly or Sally.

Olly – Anyone else worried Jon saves the realm of man, returns to his post and gets stabbed to death in his bed by Olly? Just me?


JON FUCKIN’ SNOW – This was a half-hour of supercharged, Fury Road awesomeness. It felt as big as anything the show had done. From Blackwater to defending The Wall from the Wildling army last year. Even the conversations were intense. And Jon Snow got another sarcastic nickname! King Crow!

The blocking from shot to shot seemed a bit off – Tormund seemed lost in the background of every shot – but that’s to be expected when you’re dealing with what must have been a thousand extras. The geography of the set could have been a little clearer – they have a fence around the bay? And why was everyone on the other side of the fence?

At first I thought it was an avalanche. Then maybe an earthquake. There was no way the timing of the White Walkers arrival could be so perfect. Who cares. It was a full 15-minute battle. This is why we watch.


Lord of Bones – RIP. You had a really cool outfit. No one can take that away from you.

Tormond – Voice of reason. Also, beat a man to death who was wearing a suit of bones. Now let’s gather the elders.

White Walkers – Finally answering the question – “What if something actually happened in an episode of The Walking Dead?” They’re like zombies from World War Z, infected with the Rage Virus from 28 Days Later, but with weapons training. Need to set them on fire.

Karsi – I hope the badass Wildling female returns as a high ranking White Walker. I’d expect nothing less of Birgitte Hjort Sørensen. She was also in Pitch Perfect 2 and you’ll be happy to know that her character’s name in PP2 would have also worked as a GoT name – Kommissar. I really wish Jon Snow told her she smelled like cinnamon.

giant wants to know what youre looking at

Eddison Tollett – I did not know his name without looking it up. After drawing cleanup duty and getting yelled at by a giant, I think he deserves to see his name in print just once.

Dragonglass – Maybe don’t leave it sitting around the hut like loose papers being left behind at a conference? Seeing as how it is apparently your most precious resource. I wouldn’t have let anyone leave until all the dragonglass had been turned in like a teacher asking to get all the pens back before the kids head to lunch.

Bearded White Walker – Thank goodness he didn’t have a Jon Snow in his life to teach him to stick’em with the pointy end.

Four Horse Walkers of the Westeropocalypse – Super scary!


Brrrrgrrrr King – Great. Another king. He obviously hasn’t heard about what happens to kings in this story. Also, it’s taken him 5 full seasons to get here. I need to see a map with the White Walker sightings, but I think they may actually be going north – away from the living. Also, if you have a crown growing out of your head …

Castle-Forged Valyrian Steel – You’re the real MVP. #meme

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