God, benevolent deity who loves almost everything under his dominion, clearly has one sore spot: the San Diego Chargers. Yes, the father of all creation clearly hates the 57-year-old football franchise headquartered in “America’s Finest City” and has given theologians dozens of reasons to believe so.
In this episode of “God Hates The Chargers,” his most high majesty unleashes the pestilence of torn knee ligaments and robs San Diego’s football team of its two most important skill players in consecutive weeks.
Yes, after Keenan Allen’s right ACL fell to pieces in Week 1, now running backDanny Woodhead will miss the rest of the season with his own torn right ACL. Woodhead and Allen are both gone for the year and no one on San Diego’s roster can replace them. The two guys quarterback Philip Rivers has come to rely on as much as anyone over the past two seasons have now departed, leaving him alone with largely low-rent backups. And that comes after Stevie Johnson needed meniscus surgery that ended his year before it began.
While running back Melvin Gordon has finally shown he might not be a horrific bust, Woodhead was a much more versatile option Rivers could trust in any situation. Now that security blanket has been cruelly ripped from him by an unforgiving God. Gordon will now take the majority of the snaps and will be backed up by something known as a “Kenneth Farrow.” I’ve never heard of that either.
Meanwhile, with Allen gone, the Chargers’ receiving corps consists of a rag-tag group of guys you’ve rarely heard of. Travis Benjamin had a nice game on Sunday, with six receptions for 115 yards and two touchdowns. That likely means the free agent acquisition’s Achilles tendon is only hours away from snapping in two.
Yes God is a cruel being. He allowed the Chargers to bask in the glow of a blowout victory over the lowly Jacksonville Jaguars only long enough to deliver the body blow of Woodhead’s season-ending injury. Much like how the resolution of Joey Bosa’s contract mess was quickly followed by his hamstring injury.
If we needed another reason to believe the supreme power of the universe had it in for Dean Spanos’ franchise, we were handed one on Monday. I guess when your team’s owner has been worshiping false idols — Roger Goodell, Carson’s landfill, Stan Kroenke’s hideous toupee, etc. — in order to get a sweeter deal for an impending move to Los Angeles, you can expect God’s wrath to touch those around him.