2017 New Year's Resolutions for Every NFL Team

2017 New Year's Resolutions for Every NFL Team


2017 New Year's Resolutions for Every NFL Team

Resolution: 1. a firm decision to do or not to do something; 2. the action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter.

Dallas Cowboys: We’ll do a better job finding an edge rusher who doesn’t have off-the-field problems.

New York Giants: We will finally get a running back, because we haven’t had one since Tiki Barber.

Washington Redskins: We won’t let Daniel Snyder dance anymore.

Philadelphia Eagles: We will find a #1 receiver for Carson Wentz.

Green Bay Packers: We will decrease the reliance on Clay Matthews, who is a menace when healthy but turns the defense to mush when he’s not.

Detroit Lions: We will fully commit to finding a running back.

Barry Sanders

Minnesota Vikings: We’re going to find defensive players who listen to Coach Zimmer.

Chicago Bears: We will do something about the Soldier Field turf this year. It won’t be like every other year. This time we mean it, we’re going to make some improvements.

Tampa Bay: We promise to not melt down at the end of the season for the third year in a row and actually get into the playoffs.

Atlanta: We’re going to try and be good enough to give our fans something to cheer about – so we don’t have to pipe artificial noise into the stadium.

New Orleans: We’re going to get our defense to be at least as good as Atlanta’s was this year.

Carolina: We’re going to teach Cam Newton how to slide. Also, he’s going to work on his hat game.

Cam Newton funny hat

Seattle: We will score more than 15 points a game on the road next year and finally develop an offensive line.

Arizona: We’re going to make sure David Johnson doesn’t burn out too soon.

Los Angeles: We’re going to find Todd Gurley so he can finally come off the milk cartons in LA.

San Francisco: We’re going to try and eliminate fights in the stands at our stadium, and definitely stop being the worst franchise in the Bay Area.

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New England: We are on to the playoffs. Next question.

Miami: We will convert a 4th down because it’s embarrassing being the only team to not convert one in 2016.

Buffalo: We’re going to find a real coach (and a GM, if he isn’t reading this).

New York Jets: We’re cutting junk food and working out. Oh, wait. You mean football? We can’t stop being a 2nd rate franchise until Woody Johnson sells the team.

Pittsburgh: We’re going to make sure nobody gets suspended for drugs.

Baltimore: We’re going to try to have a season where our great kicker isn’t the Team MVP.


Marvin Lewis Bengals

Cleveland: A quarterback, an owner, a defense, and a wide receiver, in that order if possible.

Houston: Find a team desperate enough to take Brock Osweiler, even if it means paying a substantial chunk of his $18 million next season for the privilege of unloading him and starting over yet again at the quarterback position.

Tennessee: Keep Marcus Mariota’s bones and ligaments intact at all costs.

Indianapolis: Find Andrew Luck a lucid owner, a competent coach, a smart GM, and capable offensive line, and a decent defense.

Jacksonville: A brain, for Blake Bortles.

Oakland: Discipline. We won’t be the most penalized team again next year.

Andy Reid is shocked

Kansas City: We’re going to get Andy Reid some confidence in the red zone.

Denver: See if Drew Brees can be pried away from the Saints for a shot at another Super Bowl before the window closes on the dominant defense.

San Diego: We resolve to be in a new stadium.

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