America's Catfish-Related Criminal Justice System is Irreparably Broken

Jacob Waddell, a Nashville Predators fan who apparently doesn’t mind walking around for hours at a time with dead fish stuffed into his pants, has been charged with disorderly conduct, disrupting a meeting and possessing instruments of a crime after heaving a catfish onto the ice Monday during Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Final in Pittsburgh.

Waddell’s stinky throw delayed the game briefly early in the second period. It was the culmination of a brilliant plan that included crossing state lines with the vaccuum-sealed contraband in a full pair of compression shorts. Even as a Detroit Red Wings fan who finds the whole thing a bit derivative, I’m somewhat impressed by his dedication. Waddell suffered for his art — and may suffer legally.

And that is exceedingly lame.

Look, as a society, we don’t want to encourage this type of behavior. Who wants to live in a world where catfish conceal-and-carry is a reality?

But Waddell has suffered enough. Missing the majority of a Stanley Cup Final is a giant price to pay for fish-based shenanigans. So is the actual shame of being a fish-in-the-pants guy.

Obviously, he broke the law as written:

"§ 5508. Disrupting meetings and processions. A person commits a misdemeanor of the third degree if, with intent to prevent or disrupt a lawful meeting, procession or gathering, he disturbs or interrupts it."

The thing is, it’s a hockey game, not a meeting. Plus, he is only being singled out because he is a Predators fan. These, of course, are not winning arguments. Prosecutorial discretion is a hell of a thing and one cannot speed just because others are speeding.

On the other hand, how transparently weak is the suggestion Waddell’s crime is worth addressing more than the numerous times Penguins fans have delayed games by throwing hats on the ice following a hat trick?

Hmm.

What’s the statute of limitations on this offense? There’s a lot of Penguins fans out there that should be nervous. Plenty of incriminating evidence out there on YouTube.