Game of Thrones: "Beyond the Wall" Recap

The Magnificent Snowven – It sure is beautiful North of The Wall. And it sure is beautiful listening to all these wonderful characters talk, get to know each other, threaten friendly same-sex heat-producing sex, whinge about being sold to a witch, talk about dead fathers, hope each other’s girlfriends were dead. You know, normal beyond-the-wall bro stuff.

Arya and Sansa – They could really use a beyond-the-wall bro-sesh. Just tell each other their entire stories. Or just sit down with Bran. Have Bran explain where everyone was and what they all want. Really clear some stuff up. So the sisters aren’t plotting to murder each other.

Lyanna Mormont – She deserves Longclaw. Her presence looms large over everything. If she went North of the Wall the Night King would have bent the knee. Do you think it’s called Bear Island because bears live there or because it is shaped like a bear? Or both?

Tormund and The Hound – OK, new way for the series to end. Brienne and Tormund get married. The Hound is both the best man and maid of honor. Bachelor party takes place beyond the wall.

Tyrion – Not a hero. Not listened to.

Daenerys – All the heroes love her. She loves most of them, but she does not love succession plans.

Hats – You know what this show needs? Some f—ing hats. Somebody should really invent the hat in Westeros. They could really use them in the North. I mean, I get cold just watching these scenes.

Dead Bear – Have you seen my heavy metal band’s new album cover? We’re called Flaming Ice Zombie Bear.

Red Shirts – RIP dialogue-less guys on this mission.

Littlefinger – Whatever his motives are, he again gave Sansa good advice about Brienne. And I don’t really get his motives. Is marrying Sansa really the only thing in the world that really matters to him? Because what can’t he do as puppet master of the Lord of the Vale that he could do as King? He’s seen like 12 kings rise to power and die.

Thoros of Myr – RIP. The legend-building of this fellow was pretty good. Somebody had to die on this stupid mission and having the drunkest man Jorah ever saw die from a bear bite is pretty good. He only appeared in 10 episodes but he seemed much more central to the story than he ever was.

White Walker Ranger Party – So we now know why it took so long for the dead to get to the wall they’ve been reportedly walking toward since season 1 – they’re constantly breaking up into small groups to search for untended campfires. They’re not trying to kill the living. They’re trying to prevent forest fires. No wonder that bear was so pissed earlier in the episode. Remember, only YOU can prevent wildfire.

Gendry – How does Jon know that Gendry is the fastest? And how far did Gendry have to run to get back to Eastwatch?

Why do the dead wear boots and gloves? How is there any ice thin enough to break North of the Wall? They were talking about freezing their balls off during the daylight. When was the last time it cracked 40 beyond the wall.

Where are the damn dragonglass weapons? Why isn’t Beric Dondarrion’s fire sword more effective? Why isn’t everything touched by Longclaw exploding? Seriously, what happened to the dragonglass? I know Gendry said Jon wouldn’t need a sword, but maybe the blacksmith should have made some weapons out of the super-metal before this trip? And why didn’t the dragons set everything on fire. Why do they never set the right things on fire?

Dragons – Don’t complain about a dragon dying if you spent the last 6 years wishing they’d just use the damn dragons and burn stuff. This is what we wanted. Dragons melting zombies.

Night King – He’s got a hell of an arm. Between his javelin, Arya’s story about archery, Jon’s swimming, and Gendry’s marathon, this episode made a great case that Summer Olympic sports should take place in the Winter.

Uncle Benjen – Hi. Thanks for showing up at the opportune moment to save another nephew. Bye.

Sansa – She’s going to kill Littlefinger next week, right? That’s why Arya gave her the dagger.

Jon Snow – So he legitimately died once. He’s been all-but-dead three times including twice in this episode.

Daenerys – So she can’t have children like Davos can’t fight. Meaning we heard it a dozen times in a single episode. And Jorah told Jon to have kids. And now these two cousins this aunt and nephew are falling in love and Jorah almost fell off a dragon. Wait until he hears about them doing it and having a kid and Cersei and Daenerys can bond over their pregnancies. If Jon and Dany do do it, is she more likely to call him Drogo than he call her Ygritte?

Ice Dragon – So where did they get those giant chains? Remember at Hardhome when he made like a million dead rise? He couldn’t do that with a dragon? Who went down there and tied the chains to the dragon? How does a show with witches and dragons and zombies still make so many people scratch their heads?

Next week – Cersei is totally going to try to form an alliance with the Night King. He might show up at the big meeting. In a Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts.