Fart Waft Methods? Predicting the 2017 NFL Quarterbacks With Anagrams
By Jason Lisk
Once upon a time, Doug Drinen of Footballguys and Pro Football Reference wrote “A Sad Fact I Envy”, engaging in serious NFL analysis through the use of anagrams. And while I’m sure there are doubters, I think you will change your mind when done here.
So today, I’m going through the NFL QBs to see what we might be able to divine by looking deeper into their names (using an anagram finder, trust me, I didn’t do these alone.)
Before we go to the quarterbacks on teams, let’s test out the anagram theory on everyone’s favorite unemployed quarterback. What do the NFL owners really think of Colin Kaepernick behind closed doors? Like Cancer, Pinko.
I’d say that nailed it and we are a full go to press onward.
AFC East
If you paid attention to the anagrams, you might have foreseen that Jay Cutler would be in play to come out of retirement, because a team would have to React July. Eh, so the anagram was a few days early. Nobody’s perfect.
After the injury, should Ryan Tannehill plan on staying in Miami? In Any Hall, Rent. We’ll mark that down as a “No.”
How long can Tom Brady continue at this pace? My Rot Bad. Sounds like it could end poorly, but we still don’t know when that will be. Maybe we should check with Jimmy Garoppolo to see when he takes over. April Mojo Op Gym.
I would avoid working out with Jimmy in the spring, Tom.
Tyrod Taylor, do you have any thoughts on the Bills’ uniforms? Yo, Try Old Art. Seems like throwbacks to the 1990’s uniforms should be in order in Buffalo. Have to try something to break the cycle of missing the playoffs.
Is there any hope for Christian Hackenberg and the Jets? A Shrink, Betcha Cringe. It shouldn’t be surprising to learn that Jets fans are going to need professional help and face many cringe-worthy moments.
At least there’s always next year, and the possibility of Sam Darnold. Where will he be playing? Sandal Dorm. Sorry, J-Mac, Sounds like another year in college to avoid the Jets’ circus.
AFC South
Will Blake Bortles ever start again? Best Role: Balk. So that’s a maybe– as a pitcher who forgets his form in key moments.
It looks like the Colts and Titans could stronge in a rivalry, where Marcus Mariota has Cot Samurai Arm. We’ll find out if that’s a good or strongad thing. Andrew Luck has something to say in response to the Oregon Heisman winner: Warn El Duck.
The anagrams have their own word of warning for DeShaun Watson: Not Use Handsaw. Always good advice for athletes in-season.
AFC North
As far as former Texans’ quarterbacks go, we wonder if Brock Osweiler can possibly be any worse than last year. Worse, Rock Bile. Hmmm, Rock Bile, whatever that may be, sounds like it might actually be an improvement over what happened a year ago. Meanwhile, rookie Deshone Kizer should Heed Zone Risk and watch where he throws against savvy defenses.
Ben Roethlisberger could be at the center of controversy this year. Hobble, Re-enter, Rigs. Is Big Ben going to manipulate a betting line by feigning injury? It’s not out of the realm of possibility that Big Ben limps off then comes back in a game–it really is the perfect cover since he does it weekly–and we should dig a little deeper when he does.
Is Joe Flacco elite? That’s actually something that we’ll never know, since his name is immune to the anagram.
What about Ryan Mallett, who could be pressed into starting if Flacco’s back remains a problem. Mentally–Tar. Rough but fair.
What does Andy Dalton need to do to improve? Only Add Tan. Seems like a cheap shot at his ginger complexion, and not sure how a tan will help his game, but you have to explore all options.
AFC West
Alex Smith will be Lame Sixth. Is that in the sixth game or next season, which would be his sixth in KC? Just to be safe, might want to add Patrick Mahomes in October, even though the gunslinging rookie is likely to Throe Picks, Mama.
If Trevor Siemian is the Veriest Marino, then I’ll buy everyone Isotoner gloves. I think the anagrams might be confused on this one. As for Paxton Lynch, Lynx Cant Hop. Don’t count on cat-like moves if he gets in a game.
Philip Rivers, unfortunately, is going to Rip Liver, Hips in his first season in L.A. If that happens in a Monday Night game, it could rival the Joe Theismann injury. It will be compounded by trying to recover in a house with nine kids.
Derek Carr is looking to pull more Aces out of his sleeve this season. Can he do it? He’s still a Rarer Deck.
NFC East
Dak Prescott is going to have a lot more attention on him this year, so thinking Cat Dork Pets could be dangerous. Cat lovers buy Dallas Cowboys gear too. There’s also concern about what will happen in year two, but Darts Pocket suggests he can handle it.
Kirk Cousins will be facing a key fourth down decision this year in the red zone: No Us Kick, Sir.
Carson Wentz might be in for a good season, because he will have Won Ten Czars. Not sure exactly what winning ten czars entails, but it’s also possible that’s #fakenews involving Russia.
Eli Manning has Brandon Marshall now to join Odell Beckham. He will be Nailing Men. If he goes down, what will Geno Smith do? Something. Thanks for that.
NFC South
Cam Newton had an off year, last year, but with Christian McCaffrey added to the team, he will be back on the path for a Canton Mew.
How should Matt Ryan rebound after 28-3 in the Super Bowl? Try Mantra.
Drew Brees has been going strong forever as the Saints rack up 7-9 season, but in a key moment with 8-8 on the line, it looks like the Dweeb Errs.
Jameis Winston and the Bucs came close last year, and it looks like Joins Team, Wins in 2017.
NFC North
Aaron Rodgers is a So Rare Dragon, and as we know from Game of Thrones, if you have a dragon, you have an advantage even if the rest of your roster isn’t the best.
Matthew Stafford was amazing in crunch time a year ago down near the enclosed spaces of the red zone. How did he do it? Fart Waft Methods. Surprised that didn’t leak out until now.
Sam Bradford came to Minnesota last year and led the league in completion percentage, but not in big plays. Will he celebrate this year? Dabs, Rad Form suggests that Bradford will be behind the times on his TD celebration but at least will do it well.
Controversy over Mitchell Trubisky continues to Blithely Stir Muck in Chicago. Had they asked Mike Glennon what he likes in a woman, they would have seen that it was foolish, and they should Ink No Leg Men.
Meanwhile, their rookie could have opted to continue to go by Mitch Trubisky instead, a move that would have been Mythic, But Irks.
NFC West
Russell Wilson had some injuries, and so it’s likely he Loses Will Runs going forward and tries to stay in the pocket.
Carson Palmer is getting older, a Carpal Sermon will keep his hand intact for one more year.
What does Jared Goff’s future look like? Def For Jag. Hmmm, next Jacksonville quarterback?
Brian Hoyer has moved to San Francisco. How will he react to his new home? Bay Hornier. And we’ll end on that note.