This harrowing tale begins on the final Sunday of the NFL season. Feeling sympathetic that nobody would go to the great Wisconsin bar Will’s Northwoods Inn in Chicago to watch Brett Hundley and a ragtag team of backups lose to the Lions, my wife reluctantly agreed to join. It was then that we saw a sweepstakes for this phenomenal ugly sweater that–as the headline spoiled–I would win but doesn’t remotely fit.
We returned to Will’s the following Thursday night, eager to ideally both win these sweaters. The contest entailed buying a 22 oz. Miller Lite draft, and entering the code from the plastic cup online. I know I will be met with derision from the craft beer crowd for saying this, but I really like Miller Lite, and it is almost always the beer I will choose if I have a choice. I also love the Steinie bottles that they’ve had the last two seasons, which inexplicably make me enjoy the beer even more. What I’m trying to say is that I didn’t just covet this sweater for ironic novelty purposes.
Anyways, on my third beer I won the sweater! While I was ecstatic, my wife did not win one, which meant that I would spend 70-some-odd dollars at the Miller Lite online shop on one that she received within a week and fit great. We would have matching sweaters to wear to like a Brewers game or an ugly Christmas sweater party or something and it would all be very cute.
Alas, I would not be so lucky. About three weeks after I won, I contacted Miller Lite about the status of my prize. To their credit, it was shipped out a couple days later. To their discredit, I ordered an XL — if you read this far, you may care that I’m right around the L/XL border? — and they sent me a 2XL that I would need to gain at least 50 pounds in order to fit right, which would defeat that whole “less filling” slogan for which Miller Lite is famous. It goes down to my thighs, is several inches too wide, and has sleeves that are about four inches too long.
Surely, this was a mistake. I contacted Miller Lite again, hoping that they would address the issue. Unfortunately, they told me, the contest specifically stipulated that they did not have to send me a proper size. I asked again if there was any way they would send me a sweater that fits. They said they would check. Then they got back to me and said no, reiterating that “all Prize sizes and design elements are subject to Sponsor’s sole discretion.”
There’s no real moral to the story, except that even though I’ve already been told no twice I’d sure love to have a proper-fitting Miller Lite ugly sweater, and that my spirits have been dampened by this whole ordeal.
UPDATE: Thank you to Will’s Northwoods Inn for providing me with a lovely XL sweater that fits wonderfully.